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Happily Married And Falling In Love With Another Woman

I am a happily married 38 year old man. I love my wife and daughter. My wife is beautiful and sexy, and we have a great time together sexually and as friends. I can't stress enough how good my marriage is. Recently, we got a new intern where I work. At first, I didn't really think much about her. She is cute, but at first glance, she isn't exactly drop dead gorgeous. We select interns based a lot on personality (we are a small shop and need to have people get along), so we chose X because we liked her personality. Now, it seems like we may have too much in common. She is a very pretty 25 year old woman. She is the physical opposite of my wife (which I think is a big part of the physical attraction). If this was just sexual attraction, then no problem. I'm sexually attracted to women all the time. Occasionally they make it clear that the attraction is mutual. This can be frustrating, but easy to resist. The problem is that I fantasize about holding hands with X in our favorite museum, looking into one another's eyes and smiling (god help me this has happened a few times and it scares the hell out of me), and having long existential conversations. I can sense that the feelings are somewhat mutual, so this is maddening. The last person about whom I felt this way was my wife. Counting X, I have felt this way maybe four times in my life. I never thought it would happen again after getting married.

I have been analyzing this situation, and I have come up with some modifications to my initial perception. I do think my feelings are genuine, but I also think that they are inflated by the following factors. X is a lot younger than me. I love the freedom of her life, and--as happy as I am in my marriage--I miss having my future as wide open as X's. I think that she represents a passed period of my life that I enjoyed a lot. As I mentioned above, she is the physical opposite of my wife. My wife is 5'7", red hair, blue eyes, very white, large breasts, juicy ***, and very intense. X is 5'2", black hair and eyes, Peurto Rican, really thin with small breasts and *** (but cute), and she has a very mild personality. I have never had "types" to which I am attracted. I find a wide variety of women attractive, so its not that I prefer one over the other physically. I just think I like the idea of the variety of experience that she represents. I have been married and faithful for nearly ten years now, so difference seems exciting. Now the most obvious factor. She is my intern. How tacky, right. I agree. I take my responsibilities to interns seriously. We don't take advantage here. Interns are not free labor. I spend a lot of time teaching and answering questions. But it is a huge ego boost that this girl that I'm attracted to thinks that I'm super good at what she wants to do. She is constantly seeking my approval, and I am capable of making her happy with just a few words of praise. It gets me excited just thinking about it. Tacky.

Lately i have been thinking about X a lot. I listen to sad music on the train and have a wistful look on my face. I'm like a ******* teenager and it makes me sick. I see myself feeling and behaving this way and I can't stop it, even though I know its ridiculous. I feel like a fool.

I am not posting this because I seek advice. If you think that you have some advice worth posting, I would live to hear it. Otherwise, I'm not really looking for a bunch of trite adages about the grass being greener. I am mainly posting this to get it off my chest. No one knows. My wife is my best friend, and I can't tell her about it. I hope that there are a few people out there who have had similar experiences and who would like to share them with me.

* * * * *
It just occurred to me that I should post my updates here in the body and not just the comment section. Here are the two that I have posted over the years:

For some reason there has been a little interest in this story lately. Maybe EP has changed their algorithms? Anyway, I thought i would add a very brief update.
We have hired X. The decision was not completely mine, but I did advocate for it once someone else suggested it. Also, it really did make sense. Plus I felt bad at the idea of not giving this girl a job she deserved just because of how I felt. It didn't seem fair. Hmmm, sounds like I'm trying to convince myself. Anyway, we have been working together for a little over a year now. We share an office on a separate floor from the rest of the company. I can't go into too much boring detail (because I haven't got the time right now), but despite a lot of flirting, hurt feelings, and close calls, nothing has happened.
X and I have grown quite close, and we have finally reached the point where we can both enjoy our relationship for what it is. My take on it is that I get to have a relationship with a beautiful younger woman, without the risk or guilt (not too much anyway) of actual cheating. She gets the thrill of beguiling an older man who values her (unlike her younger suiters) and who knows how to make her feel pretty, wanted, and taken care of when she's with me. When we go to lunch she holds my arm as we walk. Sometimes I hold her hand or put my hand on her thigh when she is feeling down about something and we are talking. There are far too many embraces, and they are often lingering and inappropriately intimate (not coping a feel intimate, just close and familiar). Her skin is so soft and she smells so good. She has amazing eyes, and sometimes they look at me with adoration or lust.
I love it.
Some day, she will fall in love with someone else and I will be heartbroken. Then I will be happy for her. The way I see it (and this has been proven to me over time), we all have special connections with some people. I don't just mean lovers, but also friends. When you have that connection and also sexual chemistry, that is very special, but not unique. You can meet your wife and have it, and then ten years later meet someone else. That person has nothing to do with your feelings for your wife. She is her own thing. I decided to remain faithful.
The relationship with X has not been easy. As a matter of fact, it has been quite turbulent, but I believe that we do have something special and I'm not willing to throw that away. Besides the connection and the chemistry, we share something else. We have very similar outlooks and experiences. She is young and in a lot of pain. She needs help and I can help her. Also, by helping her I have gained a greater understanding of myself. I don't believe in God, but I do think that somehow we were placed in one another's paths. Instead of fighting it we are trying something non-traditional.
So far so good.

and also:

I rarely visit this site, and I see that since my last visit that there has been some interest in an update. I think it is a good idea since it has pretty much come to an end.It is actually pretty tame and anticlimactic. Over the years, several things have occurred. First: nothing ever happened. For some time things continued in the same vein but never progressed. There was a lot of flirting and longing, but no more than that. Eventually things cooled a little at a time on their own. I think she was a little disappointed in me for not finding some way to progress things. She sort of looked up to me and she was also kind of needy, so I think she saw me as the person who should figure it all out. When I didn't live up to that, she became a little disenchanted. That is always how these things go. There is a girl at the deli up the street that flirted with me too, but when I didn't ask her out after a few weeks, she stopped. She wasn't mad, she probably figured I was taken or whatever, but she cooled off. That is just the way of things. There is passion and if it is not kindled, it dies.The second thing is that she got fired. It had nothing to do with me or our relationship. If anything, I think she would have gotten fired months earlier if I hadn't been constantly covering for her and cheerleading for her to our employers.That was about 8 months ago. We have had little contact since then. She kind of came out of the woodwork a few weeks ago and we had an email conversation in which she admitted that she had ended contact with me for a while because she was embarrassed about being fired. I felt like there was some nostalgia for the romance in her communications, but it really was looking back fondly and not a desire to pick it back up. Neither of us feel that way anymore.That is it. I haven't seen her since she left last fall. I do have another mid-life crisis/flirting with disaster story I have been meaning to post though. It happened a little over a year ago. I have been pecking away at it over time, but I forgot all about it until right now. Let me see if I can dig it up and post it.

I just went through all the posts and felt like I need to edit this to answer a few questions and concerns.

My wife never really suspected anything. There was a brief moment at the very beginning when X posted a response to almost every FB post I made and my wife was like "who the hell is this girl?!". But she didn't think anything was happening, she was just a little jealous. I don't even remember how that got resolved, haha. But if there was any drama over it I'm sure I would remember. I feel like a lot of people read this post and then project their own situation on to it. Many responses begin with some version of "this is just like me" and then go on to describe a situation that is very different from mine. That is fine. I am glad that some people have felt a connection with me, and I feel it back. But for those who are concerned for my wife, I can only say again that I love her and we have a fantastic relationship. We spend a lot of enjoyable time together and our sex life is fantastic. How I felt about this other girl had nothing to do with my wife. My feelings for her never changed, and so I never changed my behavior.

Another common response is to say that I am selfish. Yes, this is selfish. I said as much several times. It has also been pointed out that this is immature. Again yes, I have said as much in my posts. We are all imperfect. That is why we are here sharing our stories.

Ultimately I have done what I thought was best all along. For those of you who can control your feelings like robots or who can just "get over" things by wanting to, please understand that we are all not able to do that. I think the most that we can hope for is to be self aware and to try to make the right choices in the face of passion and confusion.
TooOldForThisShit TooOldForThisShit 36-40, M 55 Responses Dec 21, 2010

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So the title to your story is telling. I can say writing this is an outlet for me as I have found myself involved in a situation that is progressing into more than I thought. It all started a year ago when I met a married man at a lounge. He was coming from a wedding with his business partner while I was coming from the funeral preparations for a family member. Suffice to say I wasn't expecting meet anyone. I thought nothing of the exchange as he and I played it really cool. We hung out all night and we had great conversation. I had his card and decided to call him. It was wrong from the start but I was so drawn to his energy, aura, intelligence and aesthetics. The first few weeks I tried to stay away but couldn't I am engaged and we both knew we were involved but the chemistry was undeniably present. We hung out with his business partners and on our own. He was always a gentlemen but when we were around each other the attraction was magnetic. We kissed spent time with each other and at one point didn't see each other for months. We would check in with each other by text and would call it a day. He wanted to reconnect over dinner and we did. The feelings I thought were gone came flooding to the surface. Months prior he told me he doesn't want to like to much but his actions proved different. He was always trying to share opportunities and information with me. Fast forward to a year after we met we had sex. The experience was intense with the eye contact throughout the act. I was completely satisfied. When are able to see each other our intensity is indescribable. I am thinking of him all the time. But cannot figure out my feelings. Not sure its lust or love. He says he has been thinking of me and when we meet up to talk and have a drink we don't want to leave each other. He has said from the beginning he doesn't want to like me too much. He has asked me to go on business trips with him so i can easily experience his work ethic in action and so we can enjoy some time together uninterrupted. Currently he and I see each other often due to the proximity of our offices. He tells me I'm difficult to read. He also told me he likes me but I have a wall up so I don't get to bonded to him if that makes any sense. Our connection is deep and difficult to put into words and is frustrating.

I am the X in my situation, directly my bf has a daughter and wife. He is living a double life I guess. I am so happy to read this because he experienced all that you have. He loves his family, and I would never make him choose, let alone allow him to leave his wife. It wouldn't be fair at all. We have a special connection, and I guess with us, it is a worse because we decided to pursue the relationship even with the factors that be. He also knows that I will someday have to let him go and find myself a partner who will belong to me, and it hurts him deeply. He love me, I do not doubt it. He goes above and beyond to make me happy and is especially sensitive to me because I do get insecure and often relate all our disagreements with the arrangement. We do not discuss his family much, sort of like suppress that topic as much as possible, but I do believe he does not act any different to his wife and daughter. It is very interesting to see that just when you think the connection with your marriage partner is he highest connection and only one that is out there, the universe brings in a wave of all sorts of confusion. I applaud you for staying faithful. I, on the other hand, am waiting for the time at which my relationship with my bf platos, and things go back into place.

first thing to say you are a normal person ... psychologically a man can love more than a woman at the same time so dont be cruel to yourself...
if you didnt make love to X yet so you are a faithful man .. till now..
the real problem is your wife as she will never understand your feelings ..
keep your secret , and try to avoid sex...
But if one day you have to choose .. choose your family
and then everything will be forgiven...

it seems like we both went through the same course i am the same age the girl is the same age we work together but she is not needy nor weak. she is more stronger i know i just made the biggest mistake of my life after married for 10 years. love my wife and kids but this girl was too comparable with me it was unbelievable. but i can't see where this will end because she is my right hand in business and i actually begged her to stay and she agreed if i never bring any of our relationship up conversation. we'll see what happens.

You seem to be adding a lot to the store that may actually be true. Like for example, when you say that she feels this way or thought that way but you don't give actual examples of her saying this. If she is as captivating as you say, I doubt she wants you as much as you want her, just your wishful thinking. Be grateful you have a wife, and make do with that.

I think this is unhealthy. Just because you don't tell your wife she will sense through your change in behavior that someone else is on your mind. You are creating excuses to justify your actions and if you are allowing another woman to hold your arm just picture her doing the same behind your back and see if the idea would bother you... I think it would.

Wow, sounds familiar. I started to fall in love with my massage therapist, she was at least 20 years younger than me, a Russian girl, and married as well. I just stopped going there, I told her I had found a practice closer to my home. I lied of course. She was not at all "drop dead beautiful". Not in the least , but she was so intelligent, had a nice body, and was very funny. When I first met her I didn't even care that much for her, six months later , she was all I could think about. It's funny how life is, that is what makes it so interesting.....

It is nice to know I am not going crazy. Seems like this happens, almost like it is suppose to. I am 54. Marriage has been trying for past 8 years... lack of sex for almost... god I don't want to say...14 years... mostly her hang ups and issues.

I didn't want to have an affair but now I do... but I never tried... didn't want an escort. Okay so how this relates to the above stories and replies..

My supervisor started flirting with me. I liked her from the minute I met her about six months ago but just as a friendly person to work with who is female ( I am male).

But once she started showing interest in me it really triggered a lot of emotion because I really started to fall for her and it made me realize that I had not been attending to my marriage issues.

But yes at 54 I felt like I was in high school or in my 20's. Thinking I was in love. Feeling great when I saw her. Wanting just to be with her... doing anything I could to bump her or touch her skin. She was married, having some issues of her own and actually started counseling to try to make things better with her husband.

I told her how I felt and she bascially said , I am so sorry for flirting with you I just wanted to have a friendship with sexual tension. I was heart broken but I also suffer from obsessiveness and anxiety, so the continual thoughts I have of her and the fantasies and the feeling of love may have just been all part of having an obsessive attack.

Problem is I am on medication, I did my relaxation exercises and I am over the episode. Problem I speak about is that I still can't get her out of my mind. Even though she said she would never be in love with me; I still hold out hope.

So love is foolish and it does not matter how old you are... love's chemistry even oneside is a really powerful thing.

Oh how I wish we could control what we felt all the time, feelings this strong seem to come up out of nowhere.. We are all imperfect humans trying to live our life and love the best we can. Thanks for sharing updates.

I cant thank you enough for posting your story because its so uncannily similar to my situation. I was wandering about in the world wide web searching for a kindered spirit and found it in your story. Its interesting to read the updates because its like a prediction to what will happen to mine.

I don't believe that ur either selfish or immature. Feelings are somethng u can't control but ur actions R. U chosd not 2 act on ur feelings in the conventionally unacceptable way. I truly envy ur wife. She's one hell of a lucky lady.

A very interesting story. I am a 61 year old male, 5 11, 175 lbs and a Physiologist.

I have been married and faithful to my wife for 38 years. We have 2 grown up and married kids who we both adore and 1 grandson who is the joy of our lives. In the past 2 years our sex life has taken a major plunge, we have talked about it and my wife’s interest in sex has diminished to almost nothing since menopause and my interest in her body is less than it was, it’s now been over a year since we made love. She is 5.10 trim healthy, very small breasts but great figure. We camp together, hike, travel extensively, always together. She supports my Motor sport passions and we live very comfortably. I would describe myself as passionate, romantic and extroverted.
For the past 30 years I have enjoyed a weekly massage which my wife is all aware of, never done by a man always a women. 12 months ago I attended a new clinic that specialized in Chinese cupping, its great treatment for an aching back. After several visits I began to feel very sexually aroused by the 32 year old women massaging me. She is Asian short fabulous body, large D cup breasts and a great arse, on top of that she has an amazing personality, is kind thoughtful and very sensual. On one of my treatments when she turned me over she removed the covering towel and began massaging my legs, my heart was racing and although I felt somewhat uncomfortable I was feeling ecstatic about what was happening. Nothing happen, the massage was over and I left. I couldn't stop thinking about the whole experience and couldn't wait to get back the following week to see what might happen. The following week arrives and I am almost shacking as I enter the clinic, the same thing happens again and this time a lot more attention is paid to my more private parts. To save you from all the unnecessary details 4 weeks on and things have escalated. She has openly indicated several times that she has feelings for me and would be open to a relationship. Last week I booked a 2 hr appointment, quite usually and at the start of the session asked her if she would like me to massage her, I could almost not get the words out feeling overcome with passion and short of breath. Within 3 minutes this Asian bombshell was on her own table naked other than a small pair of panties. This has now happened for the past few weeks. I am struggling with HUGE guilt and sadness knowing that this path leads to a slippery path. I almost feel trapped like a fly around a light, but I can’t seem to be able to walk away. Last week same thing, I massaged her all over, this time she was noticeable very aroused, she touched me and said I want this. I stopped dead in my tracks and said I can’t do it. She then guided my hand between her legs and I bought her to climax.
This 32 year old women is driving me crazy, I can’t stop thinking about her, I go for my next appointment walk in to the treatment room and she has her arms around me and pushing my hand against her breast. On one hand I am ecstatic about the feelings I am experiencing, on the other hand I am troubled with guilt, shame and fear. On Tuesday this week I asked her what she wanted from me and she wants a relationship. I'm not sure what these feeling are, all I know is on one hand I'm enjoying my time with her, enjoying erotic passion that I haven’t felt since I was a young man, yet at the same time know this has to stop. Yesterday I was back feeling very emotional and had to tell her that I won’t be coming back to the clinic as I don’t want to hurt her, nor more importantly do I want to hurt my darling wife, I’ve already crossed the line. She was noticeably very upset with my announcement that I won’t be coming back. I can’t stop thinking about her, but I’m not prepared to destroy what my wife and I have worked for the past 40 years, or ruin my reputation as a physiologist. No advice please I know all the right words to say, like others I just need to get this off my chest. In the end it’s an old 61 year man being made feel erotic by an attractive 32 year old, of course there is no future in it other than destruction for everybody.
Feeling sad

I rarely visit this site, and I see that since my last visit that there has been some interest in an update. I think it is a good idea since it has pretty much come to an end.It is actually pretty tame and anticlimactic. Over the years, several things have occurred. First: nothing ever happened. For some time things continued in the same vein but never progressed. There was a lot of flirting and longing, but no more than that. Eventually things cooled a little at a time on their own. I think she was a little disappointed in me for not finding some way to progress things. She sort of looked up to me and she was also kind of needy, so I think she saw me as the person who should figure it all out. When I didn't live up to that, she became a little disenchanted. That is always how these things go. There is a girl at the deli up the street that flirted with me too, but when I didn't ask her out after a few weeks, she stopped. She wasn't mad, she probably figured I was taken or whatever, but she cooled off. That is just the way of things. There is passion and if it is not kindled, it dies.The second thing is that she got fired. It had nothing to do with me or our relationship. If anything, I think she would have gotten fired months earlier if I hadn't been constantly covering for her and cheerleading for her to our employers.That was about 8 months ago. We have had little contact since then. She kind of came out of the woodwork a few weeks ago and we had an email conversation in which she admitted that she had ended contact with me for a while because she was embarrassed about being fired. I felt like there was some nostalgia for the romance in her communications, but it really was looking back fondly and not a desire to pick it back up. Neither of us feel that way anymore.That is it. I haven't seen her since she left last fall. I do have another mid-life crisis/flirting with disaster story I have been meaning to post though. It happened a little over a year ago. I have been pecking away at it over time, but I forgot all about it until right now. Let me see if I can dig it up and post it.<br />
<br />
I just went through all the posts and felt like I need to edit this to answer a few questions and concerns.<br />
<br />
My wife never really suspected anything. There was a brief moment at the very beginning when X posted a response to almost every FB post I made and my wife was like "who the hell is this girl?!". But she didn't think anything was happening, she was just a little jealous. I don't even remember how that got resolved, haha. But if there was any drama over it I'm sure I would remember. I feel like a lot of people read this post and then project their own situation on to it. Many responses begin with some version of "this is just like me" and then go on to describe a situation that is very different from mine. That is fine. I am glad that some people have felt a connection with me, and I feel it back. But for those who are concerned for my wife, I can only say again that I love her and we have a fantastic relationship. We spend a lot of enjoyable time together and our sex life is fantastic. How I felt about this other girl had nothing to do with my wife. My feelings for her never changed, and so I never changed my behavior.<br />
<br />
Another common response is to say that I am selfish. Yes, this is selfish. I said as much several times. It has also been pointed out that this is immature. Again yes, I have said as much in my posts. We are all imperfect. That is why we are here sharing our stories. <br />
<br />
Ultimately I have done what I thought was best all along. For those of you who can control your feelings like robots or who can just "get over" things by wanting to, please understand that we are all not able to do that. I think the most that we can hope for is to be self aware and to try to make the right choices in the face of passion and confusion.

You are never too old for a great adventure, isn't that what love is? We would like to think that once married our hearts travel together in some locked box. Truth is....we change, we feel, we still long for something, no matter how happy we are with what we already have. I think your story was beautifully stated. You already kicked yourself in the butt so that proves that it wasn't intentional so your apology is not necessary. I wish that people understood life, but they don't unless it happens to them. I am four years late with my comment.

I'm really curious how a happily married man fall for another woman...There's someone here who happened to be my employer confessed that he was in love with me...When I first heard it i really don't believe it...i think it's ridiculous and shameful...

I have somewhat of the same situation. I'm happily married and have three wonderful boys (kids). I just got a new job (9 months now) and I met a woman (single mom) there that I just can't shake off from my head for some reason. I can't go on a day without talking to her. I try to avoid her sometimes because I know what i'm feeling is wrong but i find myself wanting to go to her just gets worst. When I see her smile it just brightens and makes my day. It wasn't like that before but the more i spoke to her and the more i knew about her the more attracted i get. I don't even know if she knows or if she has feelings for me. I am so confused but I can't help myself. I'm not very religious but I do believe in honesty and to some respect honour. It's not like she was the first attractive woman i've ever worked with. Some I probably had a good chance with but i just avoid them and all is good. I have to admit the obvious that there will always be temptations and that sometimes you'll be attracted to somebody. I just avoid situations with those women and everything turns ok. I never thought there would come a time where i'm the one who's trying to make it happen. What to do, what to do. I feel for you guys. I know people will ridicule us for what we are feeling. What ever happens. What ever you decide to do. Be responsible for your actions.

What to say my friend.. Im also in this terrible situation which i cannot handle ! I think, if i completely stop my love to this new woman in my life, my family will go safe but not smooth as it used to be. Why we can have a passion to everything in the world but not to a woman or man outside the marriage !! I rally have no Idea what's wrong and what's right...

Your wife will find out as I am a wife knowing my husbands feelings for someone and if you allow this to continue you will get in too deep. Already sounds as though you have.

there is a woman,, one whi thought you were her husband posting this ^^^ who describes what i was trying to describe about your wife& how your wife is feeling. In her mind she feels, and I quote "The fear that my husband was secretly longing for her was just as bad and heartbreaking as the fear that he would actually cheat on me!! I want my husband's heart all to myself. I want his passion to be for me, and I want and need for him to do what it takes to keep it that way." <<< so .. <<< even if you are screwing the other woman,, in your wifes mind it wldnt matter or wont matter when or even if she never finds out. unless she is a ROCK, your wife feels it. There is a good reason why somebody a LONG LONG LONG time ago wrote that once you have lusted in your heart or mind, your head,, you have already committed adultery,,& it is because you have come AWAY FROM THE PROMISE WHICH YOU MADE TO HER. She has become an old shoe which you keep because you still like her enough not to throw her away. AND IM SURE SHE KNOWS IT. :'(

your update makes me sick.. so in other words, your wife will never know& thinks that she is going through her life with you with an honest abiding, faithful man& love,, one who will not forsake her,, one who would choose her above anybody else,, yet you are spending your days fantasizing& looking lovingly at / with someone else? You arent actually WITH your wife but she believes you are. TRUST ME, your wife can feel this, & she is going through hell every day worrying& wondering what went wrong& hiding it out of fear of losing you. She is suffering. She is suffering long& hard because of it& because she made a promise& is keeping to it( which you wldnt understand)& keeping going because she cant give you up. THIS is because he loves you THAT much, and its miserable.. (a deepdown gurgling kind of miserable , in the pits of her heart& stomach, that she constantly SQUELCHES) bcuz she loves only you. you say you love her... you are selfish&taking the love of another woman while faking out your wife. YOU need to examine yourself& learn what LOVE truly is. you may not believe in God,, but there is a Devil in one form or another& he has got you. I say all this not to be nasty,, but as somebody who is hurting for the long haul& just like you say about yourself, has not got a choice& have no control over my love& knowledge that i made a promise,, long ago, which still stands& that was to LOVE him for better or worse. THIS promise holds me. I am of the mindset, that the correct way to look at a situation like this is that it comes down to integrity or lack of it... and if one person decides eeeeh! oh well,, what does integrity matter,, everything is fine so far, she doesnt know about it & talks about it with others, & posts it on boards,, then the fever spreads..& we are all screwed.. and that is the root of what is wrong with the world.. on a simple level LACK OF INTEGRITY is the root of all evil. and EVIL is a real thing.. which boat are you in?? hey! i can go stare lovingly into ghe eyes of 10 men per day if i want to.. I CHOOSE not to even with the boat that I AM IN.. read my story... am i a fool? some would say yes,, but I am honest, people can trust me, i am a rock somebody could go to..& if some ego stroking& excitement TRUMPS all of that for you... again, look at yourself. its ok if nobody is hurting,, but she may& probably( your wife) is HURTING or will be someday..& your children,,& your good name...& your reputation..& who YOU are..& the man you will go to your grave BEING FOREVER.. in your own mind& MAYBE HERS. does this scare you? if it doesnt then you most likely are a narcissist.

I'm 44, happily married going on 20 years. I recently met someone that I'm just completely absorbed by. She's 3 years older than I. I can not get her out of my mind. It's not even sexual. I'm just in love from the start. I have two wonderful children with this person and a home that we built and a very supportive family and friend base. I'm not afraid of losing everything! What is wrong with me? I'm in the process of talking to a preacher, but I don't want anything to change the way I feel about this person. I love my wife, but it love this person more. Is this possible? What to do?

I've been hating on my self thinking I was the only one. My god I feel alive again my wife of thirty years noticed the change in me right away. It's her 25 year old friend she is 54 I'm 51 god I'm so pathetic my fantasy is ( I see Jen sitting on the couch crying and I go sit by her and ask her whats wrong. She's puts her hands on her belly and says "I'm ugly and look fat". She's pregnant. I put my head on head on her belly and the baby kick my cheek I tell her she's beautiful and I love her and everything is good then. I'm such a *****. But I can't help how I feel.

i am just happy reading this as i am in the same situation which i treat myself as selfish person...I am 48 yrs old and been married for 20 years...HAPPILY MARRIED,..
i dont know how it started, i am working abroad for 7 years and this is the first time it happened.....i fall in love with 37 yrs. old lady whom has a broken relationship....what is awkward is that i even missed her over my wife and family...this is really odd...
best move for me is to shift to another house to stop seeing her, but honestly, this damn feeling is strange....
its hard to expect something you know might not happen, but its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want....today... i am still trying to overcome and ask my boss to grant me leave to see my family and hoping this stupid feeling will end.....

All of you men need to start dating your wives more and go back to what brought you together in the first place. Impulsively having fun and surprising your spouse. Keep it interesting and sweep each other away or help out without being asked at home just out of nowhere. This will bring each of you to appreciate on another again and rediscover your relationship in a new light. Being apart in distance or busy at work with your time starts to separate what you had prior to children and household responsibilities.

I personally think that the whole thing is extremely egotistical. You are being selfish and fantasizing about this young woman when you have a beautiful wife who is dedicated to you and your child. Think about if your wife was fantasizing about another man like this, how would it make you feel? I say you should get over this high school crush and grow up. Realize that if your kid came to you someday with a similar problem that you would stress the importance of staying true to your spouse. We can easily kept swept away daydreaming about things, but having control and awareness makes a world of difference when it comes to handeling this.

I am on the other side of this train- and it is interesting to hear your position because I lack the courage to address these things head on. <br />
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I am a 23 year old woman- who has fallen for a 30 year old married man with a son. We immediately had a connection that was so electric and rare that I didn't even know how to handle it. When I discovered he was married I felt foolish- and thought I had imagined this seemingly soul connecting moment I thought we had shared. Then in a series of happenstance events ( and maybe a glass of wine or two) we ended up sleeping together. I remember asking him "aren't you married? And is your wife open to this (It's a new time- lots of people have more open relationships it seems)?" But as alcohol tends to assist with... the answers to these questions were lost in bare skin and raw desire. <br />
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I never thought I would be in this kind of situation- and that I would be addicted to it despite my efforts to torture myself by looking at pictures of his wife and son and guilt myself into racing away from the whole situation.I deeply appreciate your perspective. I have been trying to understand why he seems so unhappy.. His wife is beautiful and they seem to have something special. However; Just like your situation she is very much the opposite of me. So in some capacity you have given me some peace of mind despite my ongoing "relationship" with a man I can never truly have.

I told the woman in my husbands life if she felt there was an opportunity for them then she needs to be the stronger one and respectfully step away from what they both messed up on and tell him you can't entertain this any longer. You must leave your wife if you want me because no matter how you slice it you are in the wrong both of you. More him you don't owe her anything however the wife has much more invested just to walk away from everything they worked for and if you don't you will be a doormat yo yo with no respect for yourself as you get deeper involved and he doesn't need to choose or for that matter doesn't want to leave his wife as he loves her just as strongly. Good luck with that it is torture & will continue if the women don't take charge of themselves and their boundaries.

I'm in this situation right now.
I have been in a relationship now for 9yrs and have never strayed, in the last 6months I have been very unhappy and I feel as though we have lost our path together I have tried everything to make our relationship work but it seems to be a one way street, I'm in a new country and have no one to turn to for advice or to talk. Having no one I have joined a dating site to reach out to people for help I'm lonely unhappy and at wits end. And go figure the site matched me to a Girl not expecting anything except to talk I have found myself falling for her now confused more than ever. I gave thought about leaving my gf of 9yrs I have tried to talk to her but in honest opinion Girls don't listen I keep getting ignored or laughed at and it really hurts. The new girl that was matched to me has made me feel like I did when I met my Gf 9yrs ago and some dear I say a true soulmate

Goodness! Same here. It's just that the other woman I'm in love with is two years older than me and that we've been really, really good friends. It started off as a personality-based attraction, aside from her eyes and smile and laugh. She's the type of woman I don't usually go for, and her looks are quite the opposite of my wife's. But she's extremely stunning to me. I'm not even thinking about her body or sleeping with her... I'd love to sleep with my arms around her, but not f***. I would love cuddling and just talking and laughing all night with her.

I'm a 38-year old man, by the way.

Glad to know I'm not in this boat alone. I'm fixing to give up everything I built in the last 20 years. I hope I'm making the right move!

I will be married 20 years in the next few weeks. Finally going to councielling as a couple but he wants to see my husband to get to the root of what is attracting this love so strongly with this other women. Oddly we are very much alike with everything. We are both pressuring him to just get rid of each of us and he won't let go. He loves me and he loves her. I have NEVER been more understanding and patient and we r actually appreciating each other more now. However the trust & betrayal has gone so far I don't know how it will ever get back as I think he is trying to wean her off But just can't. The therapist after meeting him alone a few sessions will then figure if it is even worth trying to heal us any longer as his indecisiveness has gone so far that we both hate him and he hates himself. It needs to be cut off like a smoker or drug addict has to quit cold turkey or just go on his own completely with no communication to clear the racing thoughts in his mind. Be alone instead of selfishly holding on and thinking it will fizz out bc it won't. You will either get more caught and fighting constantly or be more confused and angry with yourself.

I too am in a situation like many of you. I'm a 30+ year old male nurse, happily married for 10+ years with two great kids. I have fallen in love with a coworker who is in her 20's and also is married for 10+ years with 2 wonderful children. We just make each other so happy and its so hard being apart. Both our spouses know about our infidelities but we continue to have a relationship. I feel that I can't say goodbye to her and work on my marriage. She makes me feel like no one ever has, including my wife. I do love my wife but not how it has been. Its become so hard lately but hope that my decisions are he right ones. I never wanted to cheat on my wife, never mind fall in love with another woman. I guess I'm not the only one with these issues and find relief that there are others in my situation. Wondering how everyone is handling their situation though. Maybe it can give me a direction to go for the future.

I'm in a very similar but yet not similar situation. I am 51, my wife is 27. We have been together for 5 years and have been married for 2- 1/2. We are so close it is unbelievable. We have always been into having sex with other people but only with the other present, mostly 3somes. This summer my wife became very attracted to a coworker of mine and she started texting him and tried to have sex with him while I was present but he would not do it. He wanted her alone. She ask me if this would be ok and I was hurt that she would ask and said no at first. After talking to her in length and having some very heated discussions, we decided to allow each other to have sex alone with someone else. She asked me to be the first, so I called up a girl we had been talking to for a 3some and ask her if she was interested and we had sex alone. My wife then did the same and things were fine. We have been doing this for about 6 months now. Problem is, this girl I first slept with has fell in love with me, and I think I have with her. She is married 32 years old and a mother of a 9 year old. Her husband doesn't know anything abound us. I am so confused. I love my wife so much and don't know hoe to proceed. My gf wants me to leave her and make a life with her. Just had to get that off my chest.....

I am 51 in a good happy marriage; she is 37 in a good happy marriage as well (let’s call her CL). I am a dance instructor and for the past 3 years I have meet CL at the dance floor of several local dance joints. CL has been complemented on her dancing skills; she tells everyone it thanks to me. I am addicted to dancing with her because of the sexual tension that is always there, looking for each other as soon as we enter the place, hand holding and interlocking our fingers while we go to the dance floor, smelling each other, commenting about our separate lives, always looking forward to seeing each other and not wanting to separate to dance with other people, but we do to avoid people talking, which maybe too late now. When I go dancing I don’t stop dancing at all, woman always ask me to dance; it’s a great ego bust for a 51 year old when you have beautiful women wanting to dance with you. So if CL is not dancing with me she will wait until the song finishes and run towards me to make sure she gets to dance with me; sometimes cuts in front of other ladies; I don’t want to let her go.

We never plan to meet. A few times I have accompanied her to her car after the dance, we both exercise self-control, we once had coffee. I can't get her out of my mine. I know that taking the relationship a step further will hurt a lot a people. We have exchanges kisses on the dance floor, not in the lips; on the neck, the hair, and the hands and close to the month. Once she gave a butterfly kiss. We hug each other while we dance; we squeeze our hands or arms and ask each other “Want did that squeeze, hold or comment mean?” and sometime we just smile and don’t verbally answer and repeat the squeeze, hold each other or maybe make a funny comment. Sometime we do answer I the answer is great.


My wife will now is staring to go with me to the dance, I enjoy dancing with my wife, but I love dancing with the CL. They know of each other and CL has asked me about her and I may ask about her husband, but we come go back to talking about each other. I told CL my wife will be coming to the dances, CL just smiled and said “I hope your wife will let me dance with you” and I said I would dance with her. I have been with both of them and her husband at the same time in the same place very early in “our relationship”. CL went up to my wife and asked permission to dance with me and I later did asked her husband and that was it. Another time her husband was present and she looked at we smiled like saying “I’m sorry” no dancing tonight. I know it is a matter of time before we all find each other in the same situation again; when it happens I will be giving all the love and attentions my wife deserves, but in my mind will be thinking about CL and wondering what will happen next. I am taking it a day at a time. I needed to get this off my chest was well.

Well, I am a Philosopher by profession, I am highly interested to write my comments, as this subject is my favorite research area, and I am really keen to understand the causes of repeatedly recurring love feelings among men and women, which could be crushes, infatuations or long-term indulgences despite having good and loving partners and happy married lives.


It is infatuation what you have written, I think; why it happens, I do not have certain and single answer, but I kind of have analyzed it. Humans want change, that sometimes works addictive to seductions. In my view, it is rampant in human society, monotony creates boredom to the psychotic levels. It can be healed in a variety of ways, some people get cured soon after they go ahead with the indulgence and satisfy desires. While some smarter people soon share their infatuations with their close friends, get other perspective and learn from the advice. However, the smartest ones are those who are prudent, who can foresee the future of their feelings, they are aware that like every emotion, infatuations too wear out.. They know that in life these situations are like bubbles of water, popping up into one’s heart, and disappearing soon after. The smartest ones are sure at the onset of such indulgences, that the feelings would disappear.

all of these problems stem from knowing the value of your wife& the relationship that you are blessed to have with your wife and what God brought together in the first place. many people put no importance on this view of man& wife& so from the getgo the spirituality doesnt build ,, in the bed or in the relationship and strength together day to day over years...if you really honestly value a good woman& know the beauty in her,, what she gives to you everyday,, her love& working for you,, being tired and still keepin going,, women dont do that for nothing...& her faithfulness& loyalty... it takes strength, dignity,,& an all encompassing BEING to be a woman who stays to those characteristics every day in this day& age... we are also able to go out& CHEAT!! theres probably PLENTY you dont know which she has avoided or not gotten into with other men,,, for the sake of your relationship TOgether... time proves that it is worth it- at the end of your life together,, when one of you is dying in the bed and the other is there,,, will you wnat to look at her knowing that she dsnt really KNOW who you are or who you were...how awful! is your melting heart over her smile rlly worth all of that???cut the crap& go make love to your sweet loving faithful wife..& be greatful. i know... its not worth it in the end when they find out. the fun is great,, but to be an honest man, who keeps his promise& has integrity.. that is what matters. TRUST ME.

Great advise. Helps!

having somebody ELSE besides your spouse of many years,, find you attractive ..makes you feel good.. i know.. even though i never thought about anybody else for even a split second from 20-37, i understand. I started out with the man i am married to at 18.. i was 16 when i first dated him for a month& he was supposedly NUTS about me.. nothing much went on, i broke up with after about 6 weeks because he was so serious for his age(16 also)& it scared me..i didnt know what real men were yet..i was a very happy but shy girl who had been taught to work very hard& be happy about it, in my parents household along with my two sister& my work ethic was developed at a very young age.. my parents were always happy, didnt fight& were married at 18 with nothing& worked harder than anybody for each other& for us.. they started with nothing but their heads , with nobody to rely on& took nothing from anybody& i always knew it. They were my example, along with two incredible grandmothers& my grandfather who never criticized. However, ,,I was 5'2, 102 lbs& in shape like nobodys business from hard work had a 21 inch waist, 33 hip& 34 chest.. long auburn hair& green eyes..& didnt know that i was attractive.. no matter what anybody said i wld never believe it. He made me think i was good enough in that respect& he made me feel like somebody thought i was special& that was everything for me. I stayed that way until 37... i am of half italian and half german descent... lol..I cld sew(1986 i was 14) and embroider& make costumes, do woodwork& knew how to use tools , and run a large house from the age of 6-8.. i was capable, i had confidence in the things i could do on my own... and i stayed that way,, if something needed to be done and he was busy at work,, thru ONE - then TWO- THEN 3, THEN 4 babies( GORGEOUS!! all big & healthy& smart& angels! ) i went through each pregnancy& was in shape, cldnt tell the pregnancy was there from behind, baby straight out from keeping the gardening& raking& landscaping a 30 foot hill, building kitchen cabinets&wideboard floors, tiling& putting in new ceilings , wallpapering by myself restoring the golden oak woodwork , demolition / moving doorways- I DID IT and took the load off him...ON & on through 4 babies who are seven years apart,,with no family around hours away from me in another state, i gained the 45 lbs.. had the 9 lb babies, and dropped all the weight down to 105 EVERY TIME within 2 months... hardwork makes it come off.. at night i would come in out of the garden or yard work& make the nice dinner, porkchops& peppers, roasted chicken with mashed potatoes, gravy everything homemade, beautiful beef stews , homemade croutons, constant cookies& homemade birthday cakes, etc etc etc..i kept myself with bath powders& lipgloss, young outfits& hair always curled& long. HE responded by being drunk almost every night for 15 years.. he is a functioning alcoholic who would NOT give it up& btX he was bad enough that he got physical... i hd four kids& nothing but him& our life as My life... so i kept on hoping& hoping& tried everything short of being a ***** to ask him to stop..his response?? leave if you want( nowhere to go& he knew it) but i will never give up alcohol for you. heartbreaking but he had me so convinced that i was his only one,, that i figured hes just being mean- hes a prtty mean guy but had incredible integrity towards friends& loyal to everybody would immediately stop to help somebody.. etc etc...i hoped he would see me... the bed was always special/ hot/ different& flirty& playful while just smoking at times.. you see, i spent my highschool years avoiding the hell out of every guy at school , because i was not up for stupid bullshit& these guys had so many lines& sooo many girlfriends that you just had to either want to get used or need tons of attention.. i was just not that into guys.. i thought they were cute& all,, but i wanted somebody to talk to and to admire& look up to..he was it& he always knew i worshipped him. i thought he respected me. i did EVERYTHING i did , for 4 years of dating& 14 years of marriage,, for us& to make him happy so he could be proud. September of 2008, i woke up& he wasnt home, he was working. I took the computer& multitasked and searched for a dress for a wedding we were attending at the Park Plaza in boston,,while i was running laundry through. This was to be the first year in 15 where i had no little children at home, youngest in 1st grade& oldest in 8th... and we had been tlkn about how we could now go out for lunches etc in the middle of day and stay in bed together some mornings. He runs his own business now& we finally had enough money to relax a bit. I CHANGED THE SCREEN TO SIGN OUT& there! right in front of me was a list of emails... Ashley Madison . com dating site,, emails from all kinds of women.. i read them& almost fell down.. i literally felt my chest BURN& heart drop& almost fell down... then , because i am not dramatic.. i composed myself for my two kids who were still home because of a cold& a late schedule& sat down& didnt panic.. i went to the website for Ashley Madison& checked it out. i thought heyyy so women are emailing him.. its **** mail etc. well i happen to know enough about him, that because of his physical characteristics, & his line of work& height build, certain things i know he wldnt like, such as non smoker.. i was able to create a fake profile& narrow down his area of potential 'partners' by zipcode etc& i found his account. THERE HE WAS , my husband, the love of my life, the only one i could ever count on, my man& the big strong smart handsome love who had held my hand through the births of our FOUR babies at 22, 25, 27& 29 while nobody else was in the room,,& had stayed up by my head& looked in my eyes and cried when he met each one& kissed me FIRST& said how much he loved me& who had picked me up( UNREHEARSED) off my feet after our vows in the church.. was THERE.. in his shorts& my favorite shirt,, his picture staring out at me.. with an ad next to him,, offering himself to the world.
i literally crumpled down on the floor,, like the trade towers where i lost my best friend from all my lifes years in 2001,, straight down. THIS CRY came out of me.. from so deep this SOB.. which grew and grew& HURT like the feeling i feel i will feel when i sit some day at my own fathers funeral.. i felt the shag of the rug,, i felt my life all flash before me& i thougt would DIE right there. My oldest daughter heard me,,& came in& said nothing, because i dont really cry i keep GOING usually,, and reached down& picked me up off the floor. What could I say? what would I do? I had lost him& that was all that mattered in the world to me.. my daughter thought, just how i described it " has Papa died?" and now i can still feel it.. it was five years in september& i have had nightmares every night,, of he& she, together, her touching him& him saying all the things wrong with me,, all of everything he ever told me, everything we ever did,, was a lie. inhabe no idea WHEN it started?.. i have no idea HOW many?.. i have no idea what i am or was to him. we are still married& he lied his way outbof it. HE said he never met anybody, he said he thought about it& then decided he would re- dedicate himself to the relationship. It had always been one sided& at that point I should have known WHY. I managed to stay& managed to try to trust him again,, he acted as if he loved me& a year later asked me
for another child.. i said yes, i loved him& he had been dreaming of him. He is beautiful. I MOVED ON& was admittedly always nervous, but let the relationship start to heal... THEN, when the baby was abt 2 years,, i started to clean out a bureau drawer& found a receipt,, dated late winter of 2008, from before i had found him on the dating sight.. and it was for a gold bracelet from a jewelers several towns away. I didnt own this bracelet as you can guess! i waited three days& gathered up another receipt from the ***** club down the street! :( dated April of 2008 , right before i found the dating ad. I had to PULL it out of him,, buy he confessed that he had been luring a ******** from the club with gifts... too sick to talk about,, dont know if i believe they are related, and that she wouldnt leave the club for him..." if she had,, he dsnt know if he would have left me or not." He says he was a scumbag, he says he just wanted to **** her,, he says hes a man afterall.. oh .. thanks so much.. so what does that make me? just a wife... just a wife... well i figured i might have the girlfriend on the side& the nice " wife at home". oh great... thanks... im a nothing.. a dishrag.. somebody for you to use to make people think youve got it good. GROSS.
and no other explanation but the truth.. NO GOD, no past, no future, no nothing everything just ERASED. i am so sad.. everything we had meant nothing to him. &now he knows that i KNOW IT..&. its just Awful. he says he would take it back, he says she meant nothing.. but he lied even after i forgave him.. he let me forgive him based on lies.. i bore a child based on lies..& i still love him. SAD HUH? he was everything for me& i was nothing to him... maybe because she made him feel young.. i dont know .. i was young.. i was only 16, then 18, then 22, then 25, then 27&29& then i was still young in my 30's... its all really about one thing& thats ***..& i have to say.. the one thing i know is that mine is great! lol... it was all about his EGO& reaching& reaching for the ultimate dream girl.. was it worth it ? probably. all for the ***& nothing about love. MEN WHO HAVE INTEGRITY .. they go to their graves knowing that they do..& i just feel sad. sad for him& sad for me because i can never give his back to him. i so so so wish i could. our past present& future HAUNT ME every night& stand there next to me every day.& because he lied& didnt give me a chance to fix whatever it was ,, i can never change it. :(