Love Em But I'm Not Allowed To Kill Em

I have a small immediate family but a massive extended family. My extended family are fabulous, fun to be around and very tight - that is wonderful. My immediate family are a pain in the rear! My father is a bigot, and a racist and a mysoganist, as is my brother - an alcoholic on his 2nd DUI conviction - 3 strikes, you're out bro! My mother is passive agressive, controlling and gets off on being a matyr.
They have all interfered in my life to the extent that I have now moved to the opposite end of the country. My personal development, as a result of having these people in my life, has been stunted - I am having my second adolescence at the ripe old age of 39.
I can't change them and have no desire to. I can however change myself and I focus on this. I am proud not to be at all judgemental of others unlike myself, I keep my heart open and my mind positive. This is my two fingers to the family I grew up in - **** 'em! I will be me and they can stay shut off, miserable and complalining as they are.
Out of the lot of them, my mother is my favourite. With her I do get the odd moment of love and understanding however fleeting they may be. That's lucky, and cherished.
My way of dealing with my miserable upbringing by a pack of cold and closed off individuals is to completely ignore them - which is much easier from the other end of the land! LOL. I don't participate in family squabbles or in their attempts to get into my life - I blank them and stay calm and rational, treating them with respect always but keeping them firmly at arms length. I had counselling which was extremely helpful in teaching me how to deal with their passive agressiveness. I fully recommend it!
I must admit, the rebel in me totally enjoyed getting my first tattoo last year and parading around when my father visited with it fully on show!! (It's on my leg). He was completely disgusted but unable to do anything about and when he did comment he was met with my firm resolve not to react in any way. I actually laughed at him and cracked a joke then changed the subject.
I enjoy doing naughty little things I know he would disapprove of and take time to enjoy these moments secretly to my naughty little self. As for my brother - what an *******! Just like the old man! I have completely switched off to him.
And that's what you have to do - switch off. It's tough, they're family and it's supposed to be exatly as it is on the ads for various food substances... all sitting around the table enjoying one another's company, smiling sweetly and looking gorgeous. But real life is, of course, totally different and there are no guarantees that we will all get along simply because we share a gene pool.
It's a really common situation, which is fortunate for those of us living it as we will have lots of understanding. There's a lot of emphasis on family in our society. Unfortunately it's not always practical to acheive it though most of us have all the best intentions in the world.
I hope that I'm doing a better job with my hubby and kids - my marriage is a million times better than that of my parents - the kids? Well time will tell and only they can say. But I am hopeful.
BBWKiwimouse BBWKiwimouse
36-40, F
3 Responses Jul 19, 2010

*hug* Good for you, cutting free the dead weight, Minnie! And it's good that there are facets of your family you still care about, even after all the troubles.

Hey, all the best to you too! Thank goodness we get to choose our friends, huh? <br />
I've given up on the guilt, it used to weigh heavy, but is such a destructive and unproductive emotion so I've let it go. I'm lucky in that my mother is on my side most of the time and I can actually relate to her now and then. SOme people don't even have one family member onside. You gotta be thankful for small mercies, y'know?<br />
Yea, it's those rebel moments that bring it all home LOL. I know I'm on the right track if my father is pissed at me LOLOL! Sounds terrible but it's true and even Mum agrees!! <br />
But there are things about the old bastard that I love too so it's not worth all the fighting and anxiety I see in other families. My philosophy is to enjoy the good and ignore the bad as much as possible. I'll be devestated when he dies, I know it! Families are so bloody complex! <br />
Good luck with your own trials, I'm always here for those who need an understanding friend. I'm glad you're finding a healthy balance for your own situation, that's what it's all about really - learning to deal with them in a way that doesn't send you crazy! <br />
Lots of love to you. :)

Thank you for sharing Minimouse71. I like your attitude, which doesn't come across as bitter, and where i'm coming to, at last at the ripe 'old' age of 46! Your story made me smile because you sound as rebel as me. You don't sound the least bit guilty though, which is great...i'm finally letting go of mine. I'll take a leaf out of your book, as your attitude seems more healthy than where i've been for the last few years. I've moved away too but not far enough!.....out of the country is next. All the best to you and family.