Or Maybe I Just Don't Know It...

I've got a pretty f***ed up family: i don't know my father, well actually I only saw him 3 times, my mother died two years ago, she was an alcoholic and a drug addict, I'm fat and I used to be very shy.

 When my mother died, I felt so alone and so jealous of my sister who had her husband to share that with, I seriously considered doing drugs myself. I had already thought about it when I was younger, thinking that if my mother did it then why shouldn't I ? I had the same right than her to be crazy and to escape my problems with heroin or crack. But I didn't do it. Never. Instead I slept with my mother's roomate. He was 14 years older than I was. He was ugly, boring and stupid, and yet it lasted for several months. I finally decided to put an end to our "relationship" because I felt disgusted with myself.

Now I'm trying to forget this period of my life but it's not easy. He was the first and only guy I had sex with, it was so not tender and loving but mechanic, almost like p**n stars, that now I'm afraid to be with someone I love and realise it's the same. I want to get physical with someone I love, but I'm afraid to be reminded of this sooo bad experience.

But I'll get over it. And I'm still not insane. Yet

fightstronger fightstronger
18-21, F
Mar 7, 2010