"trust Is The Most Important Factor Of Any Relationship." -dad

One thing about me: Im a very understanding person. Too understanding that its sometimes hard for me to get upset with someone.
This is probably something I learned from my dad, since I was younger he talked about understanding people and not judging. He said time and time again that communication was very important. But what he stressed over the most was "trust". He despised lies, any form of them. He said "trust is the most important factor of any relationship", and since i was 10 years old that quote has ringed in my head. Since I was younger he'd let me know I changed his life and he became a different person since I was born. Things that till this day I believe shouldn't be told to a 7 year old. Its inmense pressure being put onto a child. He'd always mention death in his conversations to me, how one day "he might not be there". He expected me to push my family through and be tough enought to make it.
Well thanks to all the conversations, I did grow up expecting the worse and pushing myself beyond my limits. It wasnt until a very important day that I told a miniscule lie and was caught. The lie was so small that even my father said "dont do good things that appear bad", because he knew what I had done wasnt bad at all. Point is, he ruined that day for me. He acted disgusted towards me for lying, he acted distant and cold; a day where all fathers were hugging with their kids and taking loads of pictures. It's a day I'll never forget.
More over, a few days ago; about a month after the incident. We had family visit from out of state, and they all got to drinking. My father had more than a couple drinks and soon enough he was taking me away from everyone else and being over emotional. I was upset that he smelled like cigarattes and all he said was "sometimes the load is too heavy to carry". I stood there, taking it in, knowing that he was probably about to tell me something I knew I shouldnt know.
He stood in front of me, holding my shoulders and with a grin in his face,"do you want to know what I'm talking about?", "it can change your life forever", "are you sure you want to know?". He continued with the mysterious remarks and smile, I stood being half upset that he wouldnt tell me when of a sudden he said "what would you think of a little sister?". It hit me, my stomach dropped. I looked over at my mom, past my father. She was laughing, talking, and enjoying my aunts' conversation. She was oblivious to was going on. I knew she was unable to have kids, it was for certain. She wasnt pregnant, we werent adopting; my dad had an affair.
He stood there with a smile, and all I could do was tell myself "understanding? trust? one day he'll be gone?" all of a sudden it felt as his all his past conversations were being led to this. I didnt make a scene, I didnt act out of ordinary. He asked what I thought and what I felt. All I could say was "I dont know Dad.", we decided that we'd talk about it whenever I felt ready. The day hasnt come, and to be honest I dont want to know the details of how things came about. All I want is my little sister's address and number, nothing else.
My father talked of trust like gold, but contradicted himself heavily; I dont judge him and I dont disrespect him. He's human, and though he freaked out on me and my little lie, I refuse to not try to understand.
As to the sister I have yet to meet, I want to be there for her. Because I dont know how much longer my dad will keep her a secret and she deserves someone by her side. Then there's also my little brother I live with, he'll find out one day, and I dont know how he'll take it in. But as my father taught me "carry the family through".

asoftoday asoftoday
18-21, F
Jul 12, 2010