For The First Time I'm Looking Forward To My Future

My woe comes mainly from school. Since middle school I've struggled with keeping up with classes. I'd be at the top of the class, straight A's, then halfway through just lose it all and I'd be lucky to pass. Like I lost motivation. As the years went on the problem got increasingly worse, and it became much harder for me to even go to classes. It was so difficult being around people all day, I shut myself in my room when I got home, so no real strong friendships. By college, it got much worse. I did great the first half of my first term, but then started getting full blown panic attacks. I'd managed to okay, and get to the finals (and earn A's and B's) but the next term I wasn't so lucky. I had to withdraw from a class, failed Japanese, got an A in econ and barely and mysteriously passed a writing class with a C.  The Japanese was killing me. I loved, and still love, the language. I was by far the best in my class, aside from my shyness preventing me from speaking up more. I liked the class. I just physically couldn't go, each time it would feel like I was having a heart attack - even when I tried to work on homework it would start up. I wanted to major in Japanese. I have always been smart enough to do well, but something mentally was blocking my ability to do it.

Each term it got worse. I kept making attempts to stay in school. But I felt like I couldn't drop out, because then my parents wouldn't ever help me again (my dad said this, but later recanted it) and I was ashamed to be doing so bad; too embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on. So I ended up flunking out of college with agoraphobia. I wouldn't even leave to get the mail from the mailbox, or to get food when I was hungry and ran out. I had full blown agoraphobia with panic disorder, major depression, and no friends (at least close ones that I kept in touch with on a regular basis) It was definitely a low point. Before this I even tried getting on anxiety meds, but it didn't work fast enough, and the panic was too strong so I never got it refilled.

This past winter, after doing nothing through fall, I went to a community college. I got back on meds, more of them this time. I had a roommate which was really nice; I had a friend to talk with and get the social interaction I needed. I had signed up for three classes; 1 online, 2 on campus. I had to drop one. Even with the meds, fighting panic disorder w/agoraphobia while taking that load was too much. I missed a lot of the other class, not the online one, but I managed to get 2 A's. I felt good. I signed up for 3 classes the next term, and I went for 4 weeks (half term) and got all A's at everything, but I could feel the badness coming on, and had to drop them all. I got depressed again. I didn't know what to do, I didn't think I could get or keep any job.

And then, my sister suggested that I live with her. I'd need a job to do that, so I applied to a few places. I got a call for an interview the day I moved out of my apartment. I went to the interview the next day, got hired the next. I was overjoyed; I really thought no one would want to hire me for anything, so even though it is only a minimum wage job at a grocery store I was, and still am, very happy.

And now it has been over a month I've been working. Since I didn't have to pay rent my first month, I was able to pay off my college debt and some credit debt. By the end of the month I will have no debt, and because my rent is so cheap with my sister, I can save up a decent amount of money. I've been keeping up on my meds, and more importantly working, which has vastly improved my self confidence. I also feel more responsible, and capable of doing things; I've noticed I've even got household chores done quickly and such. I feel like I can do anything.

I have even been able to make a map for my future. I can't change my mistakes in the past, and I find I no longer am day dreaming about that. Instead I am planning on going back to school either in Spring '11 or Summer '11. I'm going to pick up Japanese again. I'll go for a year at a community college and 2 years at University. With all my credits I will have a double major in Economics and Japanese, and a double minor in math and linguistics. And that is going 12 or 16 credits a term, so if it is too much for me I can easily cut back and not feel overwhelmed. I have even planned for money, if I spend liberally, and for time since I'd have to work. And it looks like I can definitely make it. For the first time since I was a young child, I'm looking forward to my future. I'm no longer living in my past.
MundaneButterfly MundaneButterfly
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 18, 2010

Congratulations ! I am glad you overcome the difficulties and I hope you will do better and better!

Yay you! Good for you to keep fighting. I'm really glad you're doing better and have a plan. It's an amazing feeling to suddenly realize that you've got a future again, and I'm so happy you've found it. *hugs*