Mirrors Have Always Freaked Me Out...

I sort of have a crush. Mind you, it's one that has been brewing for a while now, but only recently has emerged from the recesses of my heart? Mind? Anyhow, a crush it is, and like all crushes, thoughts of him consume me constantly. The familiar ethereal state of perpetual bliss is a comfort to me, as i can still taste the memory of our last encounter on my lips.

However... this crush isn't a normal one. In that, this guy isn't a normal one. He is polyamorous. And while that in and of itself does not faze me in the slightest, it does bring up so many insecurities i can hardly see straight. How can i feel special or unique, when i know i am not, nor will i ever, be the only one? And for the first time in my life, I'm not sure that it's the thought of not being the only one that truly troubles me. It's something deeper. Something for which I have used men and my relationships with them for as long as i can remember...

Over the last few days, the thoughts have consumed me. Liking him has forced me to examine those demons I keep put away with the holey underwear. Lodged tightly beneath a happy fascade that i am desperate to keep hidden. However, as i know, eventually, those issues of self-esteem always find a way of bubbling to the surface. And so now i'm faced with those questions: Can i find some semblance of self-worth? Can i find a way to reassure myself of some fantastically dazzling qualities that must be attracting him to me when i am convinced that i have none?

I feel strongly that this situation, knowing him, no matter WHAT the outcome, is crucial for my sense of self. I've spent far too long doubting my sense of worth. And this situation will force me to be strong and find it as those usual crutches I use to measure myself (i.e. his attention, his commitment) are different this time. I can't decide if i'm good enough by how much he calls, or how often we see each other. Nor do i want to. I want to be free of the clutches of perpetual self-doubt. Dum spiro, spero.
uscnicci uscnicci
26-30, F
Jul 24, 2010