I Fell Apart When I Was 19.

I have battled with depression from the age of 14 roughly. I never told anyone, I kept it to myself and became very good at masking the difficult moods and odd thoughts and darkness from anyone that would worry about me. I had a troubled teen life and made many mistakes that only served to deepen and worsten the depression and fill me with huge senses of emptiness and loneliness because they became secrets I couldn't tell anyone. I kept going, and going, and going.

Things began to break down when my childhood friends and I started to walk in different directions at age 18, taking different paths, now I realise people grow at different speeds, walk their paths at their own pace, But at the time, no matter how fast I walked they all seemed to be so far ahead of me. While they all went to University I had opted to take extra A-level courses and re-take a maths exam at a different college, but it was never right and during that time I was put onto Celexa to deal with anxiety and depression issues. I left that college with no extra qualifications as planned, as I had gotten into the university I thought would turn me into the person I so desperately wanted to be.

At age 19, I moved to my first shot at university, a grand old 45 minutes from home. Term began and it wasn't long before everything began to crash down around me. I knew I had to let go of my secrets but didn't know how. Term started in September and by October I was back at home, where I crawled into my bed, and didn't get out until February next year.

In Late November my mother took me to see Paul. Paul practises Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) and I just spilled most things out to him, left and resolved to never go back, it was weak to accept help and I could fix myself. Back to bed I went.

My parents did however, manage to prise me out for a trip to New York over christmas, where they dragged me around with Valium in their pockets to calm the anxiety attacks and panic attacks in an attempt to make me realise life could be good again. It worked. I returned home, and I went back to bed for a month, but this time planning what I thought I might want to do when I was better. I would eventually get up in the day and sometimes get dressed. I looked into other universities and submitted late applications to give myself an aim, I knew I needed and wanted to study, when I was better.

Then I made the decision that would change my life. I phoned Paul. I made another appointment and my mother took me. I would then go weekly to see Paul and within two weeks I had changed from housebound to having a job. My friends, who had never quite abandoned me, coaxed me out and I forged a social life. I begun driving again, I found some freedom. Paul and his art (I view it as an art) allowed me to live normally instantly while I fixed all the things that had gone wrong, slowly, privately, in my own way and at my own pace.

I made it onto the course of my choice at the university of my choice. This time i moved 250 miles away from home, to a new city where I knew no one. I made friends I forged a life and I have had nothing but success in my course and looking forward to graduating in a years time. I am now with the man I love and am going to marry. I am proud of who I am, what I have become and all that I have accomplished. 

Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Paul (and Myself) saved my life. And that is why I want to become a councilor and train to become an NLP practitioner myself. I want to help people who need it, because I had to fight for help when I needed it and wanted it most. No one else was there (professionally) to help me, besides throwing anti-depressants at me of course.... I can't change the fact that I have depression, but Paul taught me how to be the boss of it, instead of it being the boss of me.

And that is my story.
xFireflyx xFireflyx
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 2, 2010

I don't need god to make me feel better, I can make myself feel better. I don't need god to validate my life. I validate my own life.

I was depressed until I was 20. I have visited behavioral health hospital before. If you pray God will listen and heal you and you will feel better.