Things Change... For Better Or Worse

Looking back on the last 23 years, so much has happened. I guess things started going wrong when I was around 5 when my father got remarried. My father was an alcoholic prior to this marriage, but it seems as if alcoholics stick with each other. Anyway, I remember being so excited when my father asked me to be the flower girl in his wedding. I felt special.

It wasnt long after my father moved to a small town where all of my step family lived. I met my step-cousins, step grandparents, and step aunts and uncles. I dont remember the first time i was melested, but I know I was young. Things got worse from there, it went from being melested by one person to mutiple in only a few short years. I was so broken, then my step cousin took it to the next level and raped me for the first time. I remember this day very vividly in my head. We were in an abonded house that was right across the street from where he lived. I cried and screamed and begged him to stop. The rape went on for about a year im guessing before I finally decided that I had to tell. I told my father after I was tourchured one day. He didnt believe me. He was drunk. I waited about two or three months then told my mom. My mom finally got me the help i needed.

Looking back on those scary times of being melested, raped, being torchured, and living in fear... Im glad I told. I dont know if i would have ever have gotten myself out of the situation that I got myself in to. I never have asked for sympathy in any of these situations... I just saw myself as a survivor that was happy to be alive. This didnt stop me from feeling alone, feeling different than everyone else, and the rumor mill that started when i was in school. The whole town knew what happened to me. It was so embarassing. I still know that there are people ten plus years later that still look at me as "Oh thats the girl that was melested." You can see it in their eyes.

I was raped multiple times up until the age of 22. I changed my life. I went to extensive counseling and decided I would never put myself in that kind of situation ever again. Up until then, I was a total mess. I used to cut myself, make myself vomit, cause harm to myself any way possible. It was my outlet.

I woke up this morning with a totally different outlook on all of this then I ever have. It hit me like a rock with all of the unanswered questions I had about all of this. I finally feel like im finding peace in everything that happened. I feel like I was put here to help others through the same types of things. I share my story to help others, not make them feel sympathy for me. I have found that strength to work through everything I have been through. I see myself as having a reason to be here. I dont know if I can honestly say up to this point I have felt that there was a reason I was here. I have potential in a big world. I told myself since I was little that I needed to make something of myself.

I dont hate myself, I cant say I ever have completely, but the thought has been there. I cant change who raped me, melested me, or made my life a living hell. The only thing I can do is not let it get me down anymore. My life seems so much clearer than it ever has been before.

jasminemarie86 jasminemarie86
22-25, F
Aug 2, 2010