Unfortunate Mistakes Occur, And You Find Yourself Down That Afterpath, But It's Never Too Late To Do Right.

What's to say really. I spent most of my life as a shy, socially awkward, introverted boy. At lower school, I would just circle the playground myself, not having the confidence in myself to believe others would want to treat me like an equal , and not having the confidence to think I deserved it or COULD experience true friendship. It eats away at you, I pretty much accepted this as my fate.

I mean yes, I had one or two people considered friends, but I'm talking about that real friendship connection.

I pretty much became reduced to tears every day as well, likely a physical representation of the upset inside.

It continued on into secondary/high school, when I got a little closer to some people I went to primary school with, who had a friend, who kind of became my first real best friend. Our friendship for 2 or 3 years, felt like a whoel childhood. We were like brothers, or hetereosexual life partners.

Things stayed the same until around the fourth year, when some "co-workers" of mine that were the nearest things I had to friends, made friends with some, considered cooler and more popular, people. My first real group of friends.

For the first time, I found myself "part" of something, like I really had an indentity, it felt nice. I was still pretty shy and underconfident, but at least it felt like i had a chance, people said they appreciated my company, people KNEW who I was for positive popular reasons, rather than just "that weird kid". I became more and more like someone I wanted to be, as people recognized me, and accepted me as an equal.

I woke up happy, I went to bed happy. I became more charismatic. I met a girl who, at least for the duration, was sweet, adorable, had a heart of gold, was terrific company, I loved her to bits, and it hurt whenever I wasn't talking to her, and it was an interpersonal attraction. I was in a state where I attracted people to me, that for me was overwhelmengly revolutionary. I'm not even sure how it happened, we just crossed paths, and it hit.

I had close friends, that WANTED my company. It wasn't just a case of putting up with whoever was around at the time, and then becoming friends through time, I genuinely felt comfortable.

One day though, I woke up, everything changed. My girlfriend dumped me for someone else, the friends I considered practically a family to me, considered me second best in light of new people they saw as more interesting, now I was a third wheel, fifth wheel, or even seventh wheel in social situations. I was torn between a once likable charismatic person, and being what I once was (sociall awkward outcast). Even new people just didn't seem to want to know me anymore.

To this very day, I'm still unaware of why this all happened. Whether it was my fault, or whether fate was just supremely unfair and cruel on me. For a compromise, I tend to view it as both sides of the coin, it was unfair, but there were probably things I could have done to handle it better.

My whole world was torn apart, and somehow by me not putting up with being an inferiro support act, I was apparently ungrateful, and making things dramatic.

I had to do what I had to do, and distance myself away from the hurt, so that I could attempt to rebuild myself without that baggage. Find those that could really help me.

I became really judgemental, hateful, and cynical of what I considered a betrayal. Getting angry at those that didn't see things my way, pushing people away if I didn't need them at the time.

But that's not the killer.

This next part, is the part that plagues me to this very day.

I met a girl, again like the previous, it just happened out of nowhere, we just crossed paths, and clicked, still unexplainable. She was IN THE SAME SITUATION I WAS, or at least similar, I almost fainted, it was incredible to think that fate could be a total ***** to you, but having it be a rather clever blessing in disguise, to help you meet someone that was better, or more right, for you.

Of course in my "woe-is-me" selfish state, I didn't see it like this. I was still angry and pissed at my "so called former friends" for doing this to me, that rather than really doing something about it, I took it out on her, when SHE needed ME most, because she was the closest and more accesible at the time. I could hit myself for being so selfish and unconsiderate.

I hate myself for that more because that's exactly what my cowardly, absuive, father used to do. An angry man that took his anger out on those closest, a wife who wouldn't fight back, kids that were smaller than him, rather than stand up to those he needed to.

When I was a bit older, consequently a few years ago, my father and mother split, and alot of unwanted truths came out that hit me VERY hard. And, because I was older (naturally) and (in a sense) more mature and knowledgable, I began to be aware of what was really plaguing me subconsciously.

Fathers are supposed to be the psychodynamic role model of how men should behave or grow to be, a symbol of morality. In the sense of the pig of what my father was, an agnry abusive coward. I didn't want to be like this, and a part of me knew that inside. When I was being like this, it was undesirable, and that's what created the tension and frustration that led to me being anxious or reserved.

Oh, it's probably worth mentioning the coward left my mother and the family house A DAY AFTER MY 18 BIRTHDAY, because he legally wouldn't have any legal obligation to stay, I am not making this up.

But yet, he was still my father, and for a while after, me (like my sister) still wanted things to be on good terms.

He came by some time later to pick up stuff, and as a man that gets angry if people don't see things his way (of which, is a part of myself I hope to vanquish), he got verbally abusive, and a little physical aggressive (not on any of us, but rather the environment). That's the moment something clicked.

It came together.

I was old enough, the man had already set the foundations to bridge the gap between a legal father, and just a parent's violent ex.

I stood up to him, or tried to, I was terrified. I was facing the demon of what I realized I didn't want to be, a demon that was part of me. I can't quite explain that in words, but it was scary.

Needless to say, I broke down some time after, but I forever changed that day.

I looked at my past, saw everything I had done, after the unfortunate friendship incident, and hell even selfish stuff I did before, to past girlfriends I had mistreated (because of undealt turmoil, and them happening to be nearest), to the way I was jealous of my friends for ascending beyond me and leaving me behind in purgatory (rather than being PROUD that things were going well for THEM). I previous lost sight of what it was to be a good person, but then gained a slightly loose sense of what that once was.

The emotional baggage was intense.

I don't accept blame for everything that happened, but what I do know is that, now that I've had the experience to see the light of what the turmoil was, I'm supremely guilty and sorry for what I've been. I'v even had the change to say this to a few people.

Namely the ex, after the unfortunate friend incident, I mistreated because she was nearest. If I was in her shoes, I would want to hurt me SO badly. Yet she laughed in a kind matter, saying that was really sweet, and I didn't need to worry because it was in the past, and we got talking and reminiscing what we've been up to, and were up to, and would be up to etc.

Another was a previous friend of mine, the previous hetereosexual life partner, the former best friend, who I grew to resent because he was more popular than me, more skilled than me, more friendly than me, doing better than me. He was known for himself, but when I was in the equation it was always "me and him", like Batman and Robin, me being the tag along Robin, in his shadow. Well, after my recent realization, I realized that in my selfish whining, I never really told him how proud I was that he had done so well. I was just acting like a bitter brother in the end. Well, I told him this, and it almost enlightened him, saying it was amazing to hear that from me, and that we should catch up.

Heartwarming moments, if there ever were some.

It's my birthday in a few days, and I've invited as many people as I can from my past, I just want them all to know I'm sorry if I did anything selfish or horrible (subconsciously from my father, although I won't broadcast that there), and I'm just glad to have known them.

I hope in the future, if I do get a second chance at being part of a close friendship group, and meet a wonderful girl who shares attraction and a situations with myself, I won't blow it all out the window.

Having something, and then having it taken away through being careless and taking it for granted, is a horrible feeling. Next time I'm blessed, I won't let go.
Jiemusu Jiemusu
22-25, M
Aug 6, 2010