Can't Escape The Problems Caused By My Broken Family

Hey everyone. Today...I exploded and I'm here because I can't handle my problems on my own anymore, and I don't believe any of my friends can understand what I am going through. So I hope some people in the big internet world can help a brother out. I'm 23 right now, finished my bachelors degree last August and moved back home at that time. Today, I continue living with my parents and my sisters. I'd like to give you some background information on my life. I was born in Oakland, California to parents of Chinese descent. My dad was born in China and moved here when he was 17. My mom was born in Arizona and lived there until she was 10, before moving to Macau. My mom speaks both English and Chinese fluently, and my dad speak Chinese fluently and some basic-intermediate English. I have a twin sister and an older sister. Here's where it starts getting bad. When we were young, anytime my sisters and I fought as kids, my parents never broke us apart. I know all siblings fight as kids and its part of growing up, but me and my twin sister stopped talking when we were maybe 7 years old, and have only spoken for brief moments since then (and mostly when it was a necessity). I've had a pretty decent relationship with my older sister, though we can't talk to each other on a deep emotional level. I attribute the cause of my bad relationships with my sisters to my parents. They fed us, sheltered us, but didn't nurture us. They didn't teach me anything. To give you some more detail on my childhood setting, we were essentially a low income family in an increasingly affluent neighborhood. My friends were all asian, most of them Chinese. They came from nice families with a lot of money and parents who pressured their kids to do well...I was always the odd one out. I appeared Chinese so everyone expected me to be like them. But my parents never really did much for me in terms of instilling culture, traditions, or knowledge. I always learned things on my own, which has made for a very emotionally drenching life. Fast forward to today. When I was in college and I would come home for the holidays, my dad would actually talk to me. It seemed my family life had drastically improved since leaving for college. By fourth year, I was so excited to come back home, as I wasn't enjoying college so much, and I wanted to be close to my family. It was a big change...But when I moved back home, the joy didn't last long. I could hear my dad mumble stuff to my mom. He was talking **** about me...he had problems with me I wasn't aware of. Such as I wasn't closing the bathroom door properly, or that I had quit the job I had near university. So now we don't talk. Here's the bottom line: I have so much trouble keeping relationships with people. I think its the insecurity that I have gotten due to the way my parents raised me. I want to do everything on my own, never asking for help, even though I really want help sometimes. I get depressed just thinking about it. I've been hurt by my parents because they never care about me. Well they want me to do well, but other than that I get nothing from them. I ran away when I was 7, came back home a few hours later, and they hadn't even noticed. I was heartbroken, and from then on I told myself I would take care of myself. I have such a bad mentality for life right now. I feel like I can't trust anybody.
ryoung871 ryoung871
22-25, M
5 Responses Aug 10, 2010

Growing up I both loved and hated my parents. In some ways they were always tehre for me, in others they were clueless and we had so little in common. In 1996 my father died of cancer. For months I would look in the mirror and absolutely literally see my father's face looking back at me, until I realized that I looked exactly like he had at my age, my facial ex<x>pressions were his -- I realized if I had not before that I am my father's son. Of course I skipped nearly a lifetime in my desciption there. As I grew, matured, had children of my own, and learned about the real challenges of life, I realized that my childhood had been nearly idyllic compared to almost everyone I knew. I began to see in my own life, the struggles and challenges that caused my parents to act in certain ways, to say and do certain things. I recognized in myself, the fears and insecurities that I hid from my own children "to protect them."<br />
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The relationship between parents and children is almost always a difficult one. You have not yet lived enough of life and met enough challenges and difficult times to understand even a portion of what created. shaped, and molded your parents and their behavior to you.<br />
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Additionally, you are a man walking in two cultures while your father seems to a degree to still have his feet in his Chinese culture, which you do not fully understand.<br />
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It seems to me that you could benefit from some family counseling, alone at first, but possibly even including your parents later. Choose a counselor of Chinese descent who had dealt with other families of immigrants and the unique challenges they have faced and continue to face today. Whether such counseling helps your relationship with your parents, it may help you to better understand the daynamics and influences in your family and in you life and allow you to better understand and deal with those influences to achieve a happier life.<br />
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I have no doubt that your parents in their own ways love you very much and supported you in whatever ways they themselves knew and understood. Best of luck to you.

you are a strong man emotionaly. you are blessed there. Use it to your advantage, get out there live your life. Make your own family. you will meet someone someday, maybe have children of your own, and have that family you've dreamed of.

trust yourself hon. rely on yourself. that's all you can do. it's so true that you cannot necessarily trust your family, believe me i understand that one!

The truth is you can't trust anybody. Forget your parents. The truth is you don't need them, they need you. Taking care of yourself is a part of growing up and being a man. I have no parents, no family, and don't need either to survive. I paid my own way through college, graduated, and now currently work in my field. People always say "it's not what you know, it's who you know." Well, people are stupid and need to get punched in the throat from time to time. It's how you apply what you know. Having knowledge is one thing, but knowing how to use it is another. Relying on who you know is for the weak. <br />
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What you need to do now is start your career. You graduated. Now apply what you learned to get a steady income so you can support yourself. If you don't know how to apply what you learned yet then do more research. Don't rely on others to teach you the way, find it own your own or create your own way. You can worry about relationships later. First, you have to be able to take care of yourself.

I remember saying that to myself when I was 13/14 - that I would take care of myself.<br />
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It is hard to know what to say because one thing I have learnt is that just because people are your parents doesn't mean that you have much in common with them or that being around them can make you happy.<br />
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But everyone is different. Have you tried talking to your mother? <br />
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Would you be able to move out? Maybe share a flat with other people your age?