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Living By My Own Rules Now...

My entire life I have done whatever I can to make everyone around me happy. I have been taken advantage of, abused, raped, and left for broken. I have given up my dreams to support those around me and help them achieve theirs. I don't think there was a time in my past, where I ever felt that I deserved anything better or more. I always felt like an outsider- even in my own family. I always wanted to love and be loved- but learned that there is a huge price to pay when you open your heart up.

I'm ready to put the past behind me. It may have shaped who I am, and made me more cynical, but it hasn't destroyed me. I think I have been holding on to all of the negative things from my past- and letting it decide my future. The little voice in your head that says "you're not good enough... you will never amount to anything, you will never be anything, you're pathetic, a loser... " needs to be silenced. Because I know that I am a good person. I know that everybody deserves to love and be loved- unconditionally.  I need to focus my energy on myself... and finding the things that actually make me happy, instead of depending on others to bring me happiness.

I've always been a very independent person. I know I can 'survive' on my own. But, now it's time to do what I want. Enjoy life, the way I want to enjoy it. Not living it under the confines of somebody elses idea of what is good. This should be an interesting journey... trying to re-discover the things that actually make me happy. It's time to set aside the pain from the past. It's time to actually realize that there is a future... and that my future is what I choose to make of it.

I'm not going to live with regrets. I'm going to embrace all the wonders and joys of life. I'm not going to worry about what people will think, or what they will do. I am only going to worry about what I need to do for myself.
brokenangel913 brokenangel913 41-45, F 97 Responses Mar 30, 2011

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I love your courage and your outlook on life. I want to change myself and my life and you inspire me.

There comes an enormous level of relief and freedom, when we decide to live our lives for ourselves, rather than for others.

The key to success in this area, is learning the art of self love. That means getting in touch with our feelings, and deciding what serves us, and what does not serve us, and eliminating anything that does not serve us.

It's an old saying, but I must insist it's true - you cannot love others, until you learn to love yourself first.

Good for you and remember no relationship is ever a waste of your time if it did not bring you what you want then at least it showed you what you what don't want

so sorry but keep your head up from now on and always and always............................................................................

That is so GREAT to hear!! Keep your head up and dont let ANYONE bring you back down!

brokenangel you have stated your thoughts and feelings very well. I too am on this journey of unknown and frightening change.

you are where I want to be.

I couldn't agree more-sitting around feeling sorry for yourself doesn't accomplish anything-the good Lord put a big beautiful world here for us to enjoy so stand up, get out there and enjoy it.

All the respect to you....similar story...same solid decision as well for me....moving forward to re-discover, the best yet to come....

I am so very grateful for you. Thank you for sharing your story. It is encouragement to my heart and soul. Know that you are not alone. Hears to new beginnings!!!! :o)

This was written beautifully and touched my heart. I too am at the point where I realize that I need to stop putting the needs of others in front of my own health and my own needs. Thank you for posting this, I needed to read it. (((HUGS)))

broken angel, dont worry karma natural spirit will take care of you
when there is bad there is equal good fortunes for you. Some have very bad experiences early in life others later in life, its always good to have it early. Saying that keep a positive outlook and retrain your brain to think differently and to react differently you will totally new person.

I'm so glad to hear you silencing the nay-saying inner voices! We all battle those little bugars. I'd like to offer some advice to help you develope your new wings=) I can relate to your story and feel that so many people can. One way we overcome our pasts is to live and enjoy our now and let that serve as a witness to all those who thought we never would.
1. Negative thoughts come without effort. Positive thoughts have to be created on purpose. You've heard the saying "the mind is a powerful thing", and that is very true. The problem is, the human brain has a way of storing and recalling the negative way more than the positive. So it is very important to feed your brain positive thoughts and ideas. Take 30 minutes a day to listen to an inspirational/ positive speaker. My favorites are Joel Osteen and TD Jakes. They both are spiritual speakers and focus on the future and developing destinies.
2. Visual tools have been proven to help people accomplish goals. It's one thing to think something, feel something, or believe something. It's a whole other ball game to see something in front of you. You must first envision something before you can bring it to fruition. So I'd like to challenge you to make a "vision board". I did this for my company as well as for my personal life and have found it to be very motivating and helpful in both. It doesn't matter if you're not a crafty person. Just take a big poster board and cut out pictures from magazines or use pictures of your self to represent different areas of your life and the goal you want to achieve. I did mine in reference to where I want to be in five years. I set picture goals for my health/body, for my finances, my dream house, etc. Super fun project! I placed mine in my closet where I see it everyday when I get dressed.
3. Cut off the sucking branches. By that I mean, get rid of anyone or anything in your life that spends your energy without reciprocation. For instance, if you have a friend that is a negative person and is always draining you......cut them off. Life is too short to waiste any time or energy on someone or something that is an expense without re-pay. Let your mission be to have your cup full so that it overflows and blesses others in your path. Look at it this way.....if your cup is constantly empty, what will you have to give?

Well, that is all for now. I hope I have helped you in some way. Your story was a blessing to me and I know to so many others as well. =)

Thanks for your response. I agree with what you have to say and have made many positive changes in my life since I wrote this. I completely agree with you about ridding your life of all the negative people etc... It does make a huge difference. I don't think we realize just how much energy we spend on people that will suck you dry.
I am also trying to live more 'in the moment'. Meaning- appreciate each moment when I am experiencing it and not overwhelming myself with worry about the future. Yes, I am still planning for the future, but not in the stressful negative worrisome way I was before.
One thing I have also found useful is when the negative thoughts do come up- just being aware of it and looking for something positive to turn around the negative thinking. I think that awareness makes a huge difference on my outlook as well. As for my past, I have been able to accept it for what it is- the past. It isn't who I am today even if it did shape me. And it isn't who I will be tomorrow. Just looking forward instead of behind...
Thanks again for your insight and your kind words.

Thanks for sharing this, you deserve to be happy and to live life in the way that you want, wish you all the best with it! Xo

your story is similar to mine ....i am just mustering the strength to live life on my own terms ....it was very difficult to let go of the past ...but i have made a start ...thanx

Good for you!!!! I wish i had your strengh and wisdom and confidence! The first and second part of your story is my life and has been for many years! You keep it up and best wishes to you on easter!

Hi brokenangel1913, I have experienced all of the life experiences you have written about. I have been working on my life journey for a long time. Your thoughts and plans are excellent especially the desire to get to know yourself. I think you'll find that you are a great person to know. If you would I would like to be your friend. I would like to form a mutual support group. Smile

Thanks again for all your comments. It helps keep me motivated- and I know that I am on the right track. I think something that I just have to keep doing- to break free from my past patterns- is to keep reminding myself of my goal. (Which is basically, to be happy). Even when I fall back into the same patterns of giving too much, or trying to 'fix' too much- I need to remember that I don't have to. It's not ALL my responsibility. <br />
I wish I was able to maintain the empowered feeling I had when I initially wrote this, but I do know that even if I wander a bit, I am still moving forward. I am at least learning a lot about myself in the process. It is sure to be an interesting journey.

wish you a happy life ahead, do whatever what you deserve, its your life...

Thank you for sharing your pain. I have lived your tragedies. I haven't found a way to move on yet. I keep trying. Some things that you had spoken will help me move forward. I am so thank ful for this site. I am so grateful to be able to share with others.

similar kind of life i have had till now. always feel alone in my own family looking for somebody who can be there to listen to me when ever i feel low and ready to give me my life. but after reading your post i must say we are on same train to travel a long way of our life to make our life better and we except always .... truly best wishes from bottom of my heart.<br />
ping me if u would to take to me

how I wish I could be so positive just cant reallly happy for you havnt smiled in a while life is awful.

Good luck, that was truely a motivational story for me. Thnks for sharing.

I've been there. I am there. But please, please be cautious. There are some out there who only live to tear others down. It may be someone you thought was a friend. It maybe a particular situation. One of my biggest setbacks was to be "asked" to leave my therapy group in the hospital, because my behavior was "inappropriate." All because I tried to compliment a women, and try not to make it sound threatening. Some how she thought I sounded like her father who had sexually abused her. The senior shrink thought I was inappropriate, and had my shrink ask me to leave. I thought we were there to confront our problems and learn to deal with them. It has put me in one hell of a tailspin.<br />
I do sincerely hope the best for you. All the others here have good positive attitudes. They are the ones who you need in your corner. I'm just the grizzled, over cautious, distrustful, old trainers assistant, (I can't be the trainer...too good for me.) that advises you to, "keep your guard up" 'cause you never know where it could come from.<br />
Follow their advise and your instincts. Fight the good fight. Maintain that "new attitude." You will be successful and happy within your soul.<br />
All my Love and Hugs.

Thank you for shareing that .<br />
I am doing the same and move on with the future. <br />
And let the pass stay in the pass and move on .<br />
<br />
Thank you for shareing that with me .

i hope you survive this ,we love you take care of yourself sending good vibes and will pray you find some happy times you deserve to.

You have so many well wishers that have posted here. After reading your life's events I see something extraordinary in you. As myself I was told of the self same thing. You have in you what the Buddhist refer to as a Boddisattva or an enlighten being that unselfishly helps others. I recommend that you read some of the Dali Lama's books. they're written if he is talking directly to the reader. Yes, there is Buddhist beliefs mixed in but the most of the books are very helpful. <br />
May the highest blessings are bestowed upon you!

Love ur sprit , determination. It's really awesome !! I am somewhat similar situation not exactly coz I was not raped bt abused mentally, physically by my "bf". I luv to quote ur lines on my bedroom , It inspires me. Thanks a lot 4 sharin this story wd us. Wish u the best !!!

After lot of hard times and painful situations, now you have discovered a self defined world, which says you will never give up. You are the inspiration for lot of people.<br />
<br />
Keep it going with your positive flow of your heart.

Just had a visit from a relative I haven't seen in years who is very successful in the worldly terms of life. Learned a great lesson from him and he doesn't even know it. He has been amazingly adept at being able to differentiate between "knowing, loving and caring" and "but yeah, each one of us has our own individual life circumstances to be responsible for and take action on if we are to achieve anything in life. In other words, I have my stuff (hopes, dreams, natural abilities, responsibilities) as do you and we all need to move in a positive momentum to get there. My stuff is mine and your stuff is yours, we can always be caring of one another to a point, but utlimately the responsibility is to our own individual self. ..........I also learned from personal life experience that "working on others" is a veiled way of "not having to work on myself" I now want to work more on myself for my own good as well as to be more of a benefit to others. You know, be a whole person myself, not try to be a part of someone else. We are victorious in Jesus, not victims. GOD bless all of us!!!!!!!!!