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Living By My Own Rules Now...

My entire life I have done whatever I can to make everyone around me happy. I have been taken advantage of, abused, raped, and left for broken. I have given up my dreams to support those around me and help them achieve theirs. I don't think there was a time in my past, where I ever felt that I deserved anything better or more. I always felt like an outsider- even in my own family. I always wanted to love and be loved- but learned that there is a huge price to pay when you open your heart up.

I'm ready to put the past behind me. It may have shaped who I am, and made me more cynical, but it hasn't destroyed me. I think I have been holding on to all of the negative things from my past- and letting it decide my future. The little voice in your head that says "you're not good enough... you will never amount to anything, you will never be anything, you're pathetic, a loser... " needs to be silenced. Because I know that I am a good person. I know that everybody deserves to love and be loved- unconditionally.  I need to focus my energy on myself... and finding the things that actually make me happy, instead of depending on others to bring me happiness.

I've always been a very independent person. I know I can 'survive' on my own. But, now it's time to do what I want. Enjoy life, the way I want to enjoy it. Not living it under the confines of somebody elses idea of what is good. This should be an interesting journey... trying to re-discover the things that actually make me happy. It's time to set aside the pain from the past. It's time to actually realize that there is a future... and that my future is what I choose to make of it.

I'm not going to live with regrets. I'm going to embrace all the wonders and joys of life. I'm not going to worry about what people will think, or what they will do. I am only going to worry about what I need to do for myself.
brokenangel913 brokenangel913 41-45, F 96 Responses Mar 30, 2011

Your Response


i love that youre confident, thats great... but sometimes youve put yourself so far... you almost literally have to start all over to have the life you "deserve". keep your eyes open, and dont let people tell you how to run your own life... dont make it theirs.

Many times i thinks to share my problem with others but when i see around me i was alone, why i was alone? while i always stand for them which i consider mine, then why they disappear at the my time when i need them. plzzzz somebody reply...........

Well done!! You stick with your words and keep going and don't let nothing stop you.

it is quit challenging.

Thank You for sharing your soul with us. You are beautiful!

I have mad respect for you, ma for realizin the most important thing in life is you, yoself! *These are my cousin's words, verbattim (word-for-word)*<br />
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She feels your pain and understands where you are coming from as we both sat down to read this story together. I hope things work out for you and whatever you are going through, you will get past it. Much luck to you and your future!!!

Hi,<br />
<br />
God Bless!!!<br />
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What ever you wrote is perfect and do not think or focus on anything else, except for the happiness. You already had your share of sorrows, distress and to counter or balance the life, only thing left is hapiness to come in your life. <br />
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We define right or wrong and what ever your heart says is correct and you must do, is correct for you, please go ahead and enjoy your life.<br />
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Regards,<br />
<br />

laceset- thank you for your comment-and posting "without his own" That was very touching- and reading it again just reminded me that I am and have always been a very strong person. It reminded me that what I have gone through is nothing compared to the suffering others have endured. It also made me thankful that I have always had this 'feeling' that things would eventually be ok.

nalarekab- thank you. What you said about someone somewhere worse off- that is something I have always told myself my whole life. And it has helped me realize that things are not really that bad. I think it is what helped me get through a lot of things that happened to me. Especially when I was younger and just didn't know how to deal with any of it. I guess it was my source of inner strength. <br />
<br />
I guess now, I feel like I am in a place where I am actually capable of accepting the things that happened (instead of ignoring it- or acting like it wasn't bad, or a big deal). Accept, and allow myself to heal. I have been doing a lot of self discovery lately- just trying to make myself aware of where certain emotions come from, or why I react to things the way I do. It's not an easy process- but it is really helping me figure out where my emotions come from.

Ah! BrokenAngel, you are a gem, I agree with all the aformentioned comments, Be proud of yourself, love yourself, Life has given me some hard blows, and I have managed to keep my head above the water line, I now have several Grand children and they are a joy to know. ( there is always some one Some where, who is worse off than you are) so Now keep you courage to keep thinking Positive, my spirit is with you always in your Quest, good luck young Lady

I have a physical disability, and went through a similar life experience. I'd like to invite you to join my circle, and get to know me better. I can't express all my feelings, but I would love to become your friend, and communicate with you much more

I have to say one thing as a victim you have to realize once your an adult you have a new chance at life.<br />
We have to live the life we want and become a better person.<br />
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This isn't an easy process to go through. I agree that voice in our head " Your damaged goods'!<br />
It's a fight from hell in your own perspective and the family that brought you to your knees.<br />
<br />
without his own"<br />
Antwone Fisher: "Who will cry for the little boy, he cried himself to sleep / Who will cry for the little boy, who never had it for keeps / Who will cry for the little boy, who walked on burning sands / Who will cry for the little boy, the boy inside a man / Who will cry for the little boy, who knew well hurt and pain / Who will cry for the little boy, who died and died again / Who will cry for the little boy, a good boy he tried to be / Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me"<br />
<br />
IT's amazing experience when you open that door to live your life for you and no-one else.

My name is chrisantino I'm Rwandan I live in bad condition I really like to study but the problem of poverty so i read that you are kind. Could you help me as you e-mail is my phone number is 0783859475

i wish for u the best of course...but i think u will help and u should help but Only those who deserve ur help.after all trust and love must be earned and we are human being<br />
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dont help in a way that erase your personality and delete your spirit,presence and dreams and hope. protect these things, bcz when these things disappear u will disappear too.<br />
so dont let anyone use u.<br />
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i wish for u happiness and that u start a new successful white page.<br />
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like they say when there is a will there is a way , but u should always be wise in your decision :)<br />
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best wishes :)

I can totally relate to your story, I too have begun a journey to find myself. Life is to precious to just waste or let anyone deprive you from the right to live it. One day at a time is my motto, some days are good some are bad but as a whole the journey we are on is to find ourselves,and when that day comes, I will embrace and accept who I am, I will be able to love me and I will never let anyone destroy me again. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

There are 3 kinds of people: Sheep, Wolves, and Sheep-dogs. I just learned this at 38. I'm teaching myself to be a sheep-dog. (Previously I was a sheep) <br />
There's a book about "Toxic People".. and that you need to cut yourself off from them.. my mother was one of those person's (lying to me..when I was so gullible)(messing with my head.."I will buy these shoes for you, my son..but I won't buy new shoes for myself" ---this one bothered me each time I put on my shoes)<br />
So I finally put my mother in jail (for two years prior she would say that she would put me in an insane asylum (she knows the medical language and how to manipulate people/police) but this one time I pushed her buttons first and then called the cops. So finally she fears me and lives w/my brother now. (Yes.. I did have remorse...and prayed to God ..and God let her out of jail..I just dropped the charges)<br />
Name-calling, ignoring me, YELLING, ..these are bullying my wife..and I learned to just lock myself up in my room. ..My nickname ..I just gave myself is "Pedro" .. NOW ..the wife has changed in the way she treats me.. she sees that I'm powerful now and backs down from me for the first time. (I also "stopped sleeping in the couch" .. I took our marriage bed and moved it to my room ..I finally sleep very well.. and several times she has asked for "her bed back"... (but she can't lift it by herself)(and I'm finally using it ..after 5 years of owning that big bed)(plus I keep my room locked and carry the key around my neck)<br />
My life is beautiful now. <br /> <br />
This website has helped me.

I ask if theres any chance sum1 could help me with negativy &bein dumpd &the past is rulin me i just wonder how u get on that road angel cos i,m broken &lost i,ve given so much but every1 deserted me now &i ave no concentration,motivation anymore they all broke me &left me alone &ty 4 sharing x

To do what YOU want, regardless of the judgements of others. It's quite a simple notion, but one that hasn't really struck me until I read your words...Thank you Friend, I'm going to start living on my own terms now. Good luck to you.

I love it

<3 this.

Inpiring! Well done, if you keep such a positive attitude you will never go far wrong :)

i am glad to hear you are going to do that you need to take time for you i know you have been through a lot and i know the feeling i have been there myself a lot of the things that have happened to you are similar to what i have gone throughand i had to take time to regroup or i would have done something awfulso take good care of yourself and pamper yourself a little you deserve it

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
You've arrived at a milestone us all strive to achieved.<br />
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Keep on going girl. Stop only to look back and see how far you have come. All the bad things that happened can be served as real life lessons that help guide you forward.<br />
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I am optimistic that you will see a brighter future where you'll realize new strengths and possibilities.<br />
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Smile, you'll make it. You are half way there.<br />
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Like other EP members here on this page, I'm all for you :)

Hell yes

I can so relate to what you are saying here, I too in the same category including age wise. <br />
The need to feel loved and to be wanted is the main drive why people like us do this. You open your heart up because you think that it is the right thing to do, only to be abused, taken advantage of and made to shut up.<br />
In the end this makes us feel disappointed with the way our lives pan out. <br />
You find that words like love you and sorry mate don't have any more meanings to them or are just superficial mumblings.<br />
I feel myself that I am in the wrong world and left asking many questions as to why is this happening when I have tried my best and it never seems good enough. Always getting kicked from pillar to post. <br />
Made to feel bad when we so No.<br />
Question like what is going on here?<br />
How come the bad guys always get the lucky breaks?<br />
What about the law of karma? <br />
I could go on but I would end up dragging myself down and anyone else who reads this post.<br />
Yet I feel a ray of hope that maybe in this life or in the the after life or the next life, whatever that people like us will get our place and be able to experience a life that our hearts have yearned for.

I hear ya! It is amazing how family will walk all over you and trample you into the dust if you stand between them and what they want. And they'll do it to you while cursing your name, too. If they want to act like it's all law of the jungle, then they can go hang out in the jungle and they off my front porch. It's kind of all about putting up boundaries and keeping out trespassers.

Good for you - go girl<br />
have you seen this projec t -<br />
I read an article yesterday about someone who had taken a photo a day for a year of something they were grateful for - it changed her focus and move her from the negative things she was previously focused on to things of joy and beauty - good luck

Well said: You are a true inspiration.

Reading these comments are inspiring and best of all I feel that I am not alone anymore.

Wow... thanks everyone for these amazing comments. They really do help me feel like I am on the right track. Yes, I still have days where the negative thoughts try to take over and pull me down- but now, and this may seem strange, I allow myself to have a bad day. I think it's all part of accepting who I am as a whole. I'm not perfect, and have never tried to be. But instead of hating myself for feeling 'less than...' or whatever the negative thought is, I try to embrace it as part of who I am. I will give myself the time to feel down- but I put a time limit on it. "Ok- you can feel bad today- but tomorrow you will suck it up and have a great day!". Then I write down all of the things I am feeling, and try to figure out where they are coming from. If I can figure out where the feelings are stemming from, then its easier for me to say ok, I get it now, and now it's time to let go of that. It doesn't always work, but it does help me learn more about myself. I think knowing more about myself, and what I like and don't like or am willing to accept in my life, is making a huge difference for me. Writing definitely helps purge a lot of the negative feelings- and is great for giving myself a pep talk. It's a constant battle- reminding myself that I am a wonderful, generous, loving person- but the more I can look at myself in the mirror and see the beauty instead of only flaws (and I don't just mean my outside appearance) the better I feel. <br />
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Life is such an amazing gift... and I do believe that we were meant to enjoy it. I may be a dreamer- but dreams are what keep us moving forward. My past has made me who I am today. And honestly, I think it has helped me be strong for others and myself as well. Once I learned to accept that as part of me- but not let it define who I am- I have been more capable of leaving the bad parts behind. On another positive note... I am noticing a difference in how others see me. So, I think I'm on the right track. <br />
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Thanks again for all of the support you guys have given me. It's amazing and I wish I could hug each of you!