Living By My Own Rules Now...

My entire life I have done whatever I can to make everyone around me happy. I have been taken advantage of, abused, raped, and left for broken. I have given up my dreams to support those around me and help them achieve theirs. I don't think there was a time in my past, where I ever felt that I deserved anything better or more. I always felt like an outsider- even in my own family. I always wanted to love and be loved- but learned that there is a huge price to pay when you open your heart up.

I'm ready to put the past behind me. It may have shaped who I am, and made me more cynical, but it hasn't destroyed me. I think I have been holding on to all of the negative things from my past- and letting it decide my future. The little voice in your head that says "you're not good enough... you will never amount to anything, you will never be anything, you're pathetic, a loser... " needs to be silenced. Because I know that I am a good person. I know that everybody deserves to love and be loved- unconditionally.  I need to focus my energy on myself... and finding the things that actually make me happy, instead of depending on others to bring me happiness.

I've always been a very independent person. I know I can 'survive' on my own. But, now it's time to do what I want. Enjoy life, the way I want to enjoy it. Not living it under the confines of somebody elses idea of what is good. This should be an interesting journey... trying to re-discover the things that actually make me happy. It's time to set aside the pain from the past. It's time to actually realize that there is a future... and that my future is what I choose to make of it.

I'm not going to live with regrets. I'm going to embrace all the wonders and joys of life. I'm not going to worry about what people will think, or what they will do. I am only going to worry about what I need to do for myself.
brokenangel913 brokenangel913
41-45, F
90 Responses Mar 30, 2011

Well done!! You stick with your words and keep going and don't let nothing stop you.

it is quit challenging.

Thank You for sharing your soul with us. You are beautiful!

I have mad respect for you, ma for realizin the most important thing in life is you, yoself! *These are my cousin's words, verbattim (word-for-word)*<br />
<br />
She feels your pain and understands where you are coming from as we both sat down to read this story together. I hope things work out for you and whatever you are going through, you will get past it. Much luck to you and your future!!!

Hi,<br />
<br />
God Bless!!!<br />
<br />
What ever you wrote is perfect and do not think or focus on anything else, except for the happiness. You already had your share of sorrows, distress and to counter or balance the life, only thing left is hapiness to come in your life. <br />
<br />
We define right or wrong and what ever your heart says is correct and you must do, is correct for you, please go ahead and enjoy your life.<br />
<br />
Regards,<br />
<br />

laceset- thank you for your comment-and posting "without his own" That was very touching- and reading it again just reminded me that I am and have always been a very strong person. It reminded me that what I have gone through is nothing compared to the suffering others have endured. It also made me thankful that I have always had this 'feeling' that things would eventually be ok.

nalarekab- thank you. What you said about someone somewhere worse off- that is something I have always told myself my whole life. And it has helped me realize that things are not really that bad. I think it is what helped me get through a lot of things that happened to me. Especially when I was younger and just didn't know how to deal with any of it. I guess it was my source of inner strength. <br />
<br />
I guess now, I feel like I am in a place where I am actually capable of accepting the things that happened (instead of ignoring it- or acting like it wasn't bad, or a big deal). Accept, and allow myself to heal. I have been doing a lot of self discovery lately- just trying to make myself aware of where certain emotions come from, or why I react to things the way I do. It's not an easy process- but it is really helping me figure out where my emotions come from.

Ah! BrokenAngel, you are a gem, I agree with all the aformentioned comments, Be proud of yourself, love yourself, Life has given me some hard blows, and I have managed to keep my head above the water line, I now have several Grand children and they are a joy to know. ( there is always some one Some where, who is worse off than you are) so Now keep you courage to keep thinking Positive, my spirit is with you always in your Quest, good luck young Lady

I have a physical disability, and went through a similar life experience. I'd like to invite you to join my circle, and get to know me better. I can't express all my feelings, but I would love to become your friend, and communicate with you much more

I have to say one thing as a victim you have to realize once your an adult you have a new chance at life.<br />
We have to live the life we want and become a better person.<br />
<br />
This isn't an easy process to go through. I agree that voice in our head " Your damaged goods'!<br />
It's a fight from hell in your own perspective and the family that brought you to your knees.<br />
<br />
without his own"<br />
Antwone Fisher: "Who will cry for the little boy, he cried himself to sleep / Who will cry for the little boy, who never had it for keeps / Who will cry for the little boy, who walked on burning sands / Who will cry for the little boy, the boy inside a man / Who will cry for the little boy, who knew well hurt and pain / Who will cry for the little boy, who died and died again / Who will cry for the little boy, a good boy he tried to be / Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me"<br />
<br />
IT's amazing experience when you open that door to live your life for you and no-one else.

My name is chrisantino I'm Rwandan I live in bad condition I really like to study but the problem of poverty so i read that you are kind. Could you help me as you e-mail is my phone number is 0783859475

i wish for u the best of course...but i think u will help and u should help but Only those who deserve ur help.after all trust and love must be earned and we are human being<br />
<br />
dont help in a way that erase your personality and delete your spirit,presence and dreams and hope. protect these things, bcz when these things disappear u will disappear too.<br />
so dont let anyone use u.<br />
<br />
i wish for u happiness and that u start a new successful white page.<br />
<br />
like they say when there is a will there is a way , but u should always be wise in your decision :)<br />
<br />
best wishes :)

I can totally relate to your story, I too have begun a journey to find myself. Life is to precious to just waste or let anyone deprive you from the right to live it. One day at a time is my motto, some days are good some are bad but as a whole the journey we are on is to find ourselves,and when that day comes, I will embrace and accept who I am, I will be able to love me and I will never let anyone destroy me again. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

There are 3 kinds of people: Sheep, Wolves, and Sheep-dogs. I just learned this at 38. I'm teaching myself to be a sheep-dog. (Previously I was a sheep) <br />
There's a book about "Toxic People".. and that you need to cut yourself off from them.. my mother was one of those person's (lying to me..when I was so gullible)(messing with my head.."I will buy these shoes for you, my son..but I won't buy new shoes for myself" ---this one bothered me each time I put on my shoes)<br />
So I finally put my mother in jail (for two years prior she would say that she would put me in an insane asylum (she knows the medical language and how to manipulate people/police) but this one time I pushed her buttons first and then called the cops. So finally she fears me and lives w/my brother now. (Yes.. I did have remorse...and prayed to God ..and God let her out of jail..I just dropped the charges)<br />
Name-calling, ignoring me, YELLING, ..these are bullying my wife..and I learned to just lock myself up in my room. ..My nickname ..I just gave myself is "Pedro" .. NOW ..the wife has changed in the way she treats me.. she sees that I'm powerful now and backs down from me for the first time. (I also "stopped sleeping in the couch" .. I took our marriage bed and moved it to my room ..I finally sleep very well.. and several times she has asked for "her bed back"... (but she can't lift it by herself)(and I'm finally using it ..after 5 years of owning that big bed)(plus I keep my room locked and carry the key around my neck)<br />
My life is beautiful now. <br /> <br />
This website has helped me.

I ask if theres any chance sum1 could help me with negativy &bein dumpd &the past is rulin me i just wonder how u get on that road angel cos i,m broken &lost i,ve given so much but every1 deserted me now &i ave no concentration,motivation anymore they all broke me &left me alone &ty 4 sharing x

To do what YOU want, regardless of the judgements of others. It's quite a simple notion, but one that hasn't really struck me until I read your words...Thank you Friend, I'm going to start living on my own terms now. Good luck to you.

I love it

<3 this.

Inpiring! Well done, if you keep such a positive attitude you will never go far wrong :)

i am glad to hear you are going to do that you need to take time for you i know you have been through a lot and i know the feeling i have been there myself a lot of the things that have happened to you are similar to what i have gone throughand i had to take time to regroup or i would have done something awfulso take good care of yourself and pamper yourself a little you deserve it

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
You've arrived at a milestone us all strive to achieved.<br />
<br />
Keep on going girl. Stop only to look back and see how far you have come. All the bad things that happened can be served as real life lessons that help guide you forward.<br />
<br />
I am optimistic that you will see a brighter future where you'll realize new strengths and possibilities.<br />
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Smile, you'll make it. You are half way there.<br />
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Like other EP members here on this page, I'm all for you :)

Hell yes

I can so relate to what you are saying here, I too in the same category including age wise. <br />
The need to feel loved and to be wanted is the main drive why people like us do this. You open your heart up because you think that it is the right thing to do, only to be abused, taken advantage of and made to shut up.<br />
In the end this makes us feel disappointed with the way our lives pan out. <br />
You find that words like love you and sorry mate don't have any more meanings to them or are just superficial mumblings.<br />
I feel myself that I am in the wrong world and left asking many questions as to why is this happening when I have tried my best and it never seems good enough. Always getting kicked from pillar to post. <br />
Made to feel bad when we so No.<br />
Question like what is going on here?<br />
How come the bad guys always get the lucky breaks?<br />
What about the law of karma? <br />
I could go on but I would end up dragging myself down and anyone else who reads this post.<br />
Yet I feel a ray of hope that maybe in this life or in the the after life or the next life, whatever that people like us will get our place and be able to experience a life that our hearts have yearned for.

I hear ya! It is amazing how family will walk all over you and trample you into the dust if you stand between them and what they want. And they'll do it to you while cursing your name, too. If they want to act like it's all law of the jungle, then they can go hang out in the jungle and they off my front porch. It's kind of all about putting up boundaries and keeping out trespassers.

Good for you - go girl<br />
have you seen this projec t -<br />
I read an article yesterday about someone who had taken a photo a day for a year of something they were grateful for - it changed her focus and move her from the negative things she was previously focused on to things of joy and beauty - good luck

Well said: You are a true inspiration.

Reading these comments are inspiring and best of all I feel that I am not alone anymore.

Wow... thanks everyone for these amazing comments. They really do help me feel like I am on the right track. Yes, I still have days where the negative thoughts try to take over and pull me down- but now, and this may seem strange, I allow myself to have a bad day. I think it's all part of accepting who I am as a whole. I'm not perfect, and have never tried to be. But instead of hating myself for feeling 'less than...' or whatever the negative thought is, I try to embrace it as part of who I am. I will give myself the time to feel down- but I put a time limit on it. "Ok- you can feel bad today- but tomorrow you will suck it up and have a great day!". Then I write down all of the things I am feeling, and try to figure out where they are coming from. If I can figure out where the feelings are stemming from, then its easier for me to say ok, I get it now, and now it's time to let go of that. It doesn't always work, but it does help me learn more about myself. I think knowing more about myself, and what I like and don't like or am willing to accept in my life, is making a huge difference for me. Writing definitely helps purge a lot of the negative feelings- and is great for giving myself a pep talk. It's a constant battle- reminding myself that I am a wonderful, generous, loving person- but the more I can look at myself in the mirror and see the beauty instead of only flaws (and I don't just mean my outside appearance) the better I feel. <br />
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Life is such an amazing gift... and I do believe that we were meant to enjoy it. I may be a dreamer- but dreams are what keep us moving forward. My past has made me who I am today. And honestly, I think it has helped me be strong for others and myself as well. Once I learned to accept that as part of me- but not let it define who I am- I have been more capable of leaving the bad parts behind. On another positive note... I am noticing a difference in how others see me. So, I think I'm on the right track. <br />
<br />
Thanks again for all of the support you guys have given me. It's amazing and I wish I could hug each of you!

I know the feeling well. I have also learned there are many takers on the internet as well so becareful.

I hear echoes of myself in your story. Grow a new set of wings brokenangel and soar high and free in your own light.

Hello<br />
<br />
I'm glad you are moving forward. You are doing the right and only thing a person in your situation can do.<br />
<br />
A man in my street (45 years old) keeps telling me that his childhood has ruined his life and if only he could talk to you. He won't listen to me.<br />
<br />
You are able to separate what happened which is wonderful.<br />
<br />
Hugs and best wishes

I know someone exactly like you. Because of explaining to her all these facts of life, she fell in love with me and the same goes for me too. Very intriguing indeed.

I want to tell you that good people do exist. And you know that bad people exist, too. I used to grow up in a world where I'd never met a bad person, and believed they don't exist. Then I found some, to my great astonishment. But I still believe most people are good. I also believe that bad people find bad people, and if you have been unfortunate enough to be surrounded by a great many of them, I applaud you from deciding to find the good ones. They are there, waiting with their arms open to help you out. But then... So are some of the bad people, pretending to be good - you might have already found a bunch of them. Your challenge will be to be able to tell the good from the fake, before you let them in. Here's a practical tip: Find out about narcissistic personality disorder. It helps a great deal to understand why some people lie and abuse others... And as you understand, you can avoid them better.

I am so happy for you and very proud too! Hang onto this great energy you have right now and I hope it will stay strong and carry you when you need it. Best of EVERYTHING !!!!! pj

Im amazed at how you dont and refuse to give up despite your past. Because of your optimistic attitude and your will to succeed and To find the love you've yearned, God will bless you with love and everything you've desired because of your good attitude and beautiful spirit. Hope u get love and i wish u the best. Please pray for those who arent as lucky as you to have such a wonderful view. Thanks for sharing your story and continue to delight the world with your smile despite the burdens. Wish ya all the best, love! :) <br />

I can understand you here, because I have done the same. I have put everything I feel and everything i have done second and tried to make everyone else happy. To the point where I suffered from depression and an eating disorder for over nearly 4 years. I am getting better now. The struggle is hard but i aim to never give up. I didn't think i deserved any better either. My self-esteem and self-worth were practically zero. I always felt an outsider. At school I had no friends and at home I had not family interaction. No one to talk to. <br />
I am slowly letting go of my past bit, by bit. It will not ruin my future. I spent the first 20 years of my life trying to do things for other people so others would give me the happiness I longed for. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. You do need to find what make you happy. I love crafts so I aim to make myself happy and do craft work. We all deserve love. If we are patient enough it will come. <br />
You will find that when you start to get to know yourself after all these years, you will come to appreciate who you have become and know that good thing are meant for you. Things that happen in life happen for a reason and it is usually to help us form into the people we are meant to be. I am so glad you have managed to make this journey of discovery and I wish nothing but the best for your future.

Go go go,,, follow your heart and you'll be fine. God blesses, be happy :)

Go go go,,, follow your heart and you'll be fine. God blesses, be happy :)

I share your situation only I wasn't physically raped. As a little boy I was molested and my father was aware (I have come to believe) and did nothing about it. Like you I have continued to put everyone first to my own cost and dtriment and now I have nothing left to give they still have needs and I am in pain not being able to help. I have used my life savings to asist my one child (there are three) and my future is bleak as I am locked in with no funds to escape. My wife, life partner of 34 years has no love in her body and has less affection with no consideration for either myself or her children. When our children were small and were sick, they called me not her and till today, I am the father and mother. I have been becoming more spiritual in an attempt to find solace and would dearly love to find another direction but lack the courage or the financial backing to do this. <br />
I applaude you with your courage and conviction. I pray you will succeed in your new life and never look back to the miserable life you have led for other ungratefulpeople. Be yourself, for you and think of those without the courage or means to do likewise.<br />
God's speed.

That is very good attitude. Soldier on.

I am happy to hear such positive words coming from you although you have a dark past. This is the way and don't let anyone discourage you. All the best

This is my story also. My mother and father split up when I was 12. There were times in my life after that that she made me feel useless and a loser. Whenever I as laid-off from a job or fired she would say things to make me feel like a loser or a failure. And forget about dating. This fear of being a failure has stopped me from asking women out and talking to them to start with. I guess I didn't talk to a woman so I wouldn't have to go through rejection.

wow motivating! got goose bumps reading it ....thanx!

I went through all that stuff myself and still having a hard time to enjoy life and still learning to love my self, I always hurt others with my life story's and now that I want to talk about good it get's harder to do with more bad stuff adding on to my life to have conversation is very short when you don't want people to feel bad for you, But my long conversations are the sad ones that hurt others and I'm done with that so I'm still fighting like you are, So most of all of this is to never give up and keep creating happy moments as hard as they can get!!! So I'm with you to live life to the fullest and find happiness !! HUGS & Kisses & lots of LOVE cause I understand where you coming from,Best wishes from me to you ;D

Your so Awesome! Thats so cool! Really, this step of a Positive view of who you are is what People will see and Thank GOD for everyday! I was actually once like you, having those thoughts of not liking myself, or complaining about something i didnt like or even somthing that wasnt necessary to complain about, and i found out that i was just losing Opportunities to do Great things when i thought that way. So like you decided to be Positive, i did to. And Honestly, it has changed my life. It gives me a reason to thank GOD everyday! The thing is, you must believe that GOD is your guide and by the grace of our lord Jesus Christ, his path to righteousness will make us fulfill what were here for. One thing you must know, ''You are in Control of what you want or the kind of life you want to live! No other person can cause you to do what you dont want, except you want it to happen. The important thing is not what people say about you, but how you see yourself! Cuz,You are what you think! If you focus on what you want! Its not very easy, but theres one secret...Always fill Good about yourself And People will see the Beauty that you are, Thanking GOD! Once you think you are, Know you are! You'll be surprised how loved you could be!

You sound like a very strong, brave woman to be able to move on with your life. Congratulations, I wish you all the best. Hopefully one day I will be able to do exactly what you are doing now. This takes courage and strength. Well done!

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm now where you have been, haven't found the strength yet to move forward, and those negative voices are keeping me down trodden. But thanks to people like you who share your stories let me and others know we are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you so much for giving hope.

U live just once.<br />
U are playing a role in this drama of life.<br />
Live large & Play your role well.

U live just once.<br />
U are playing a role in this drama of life.<br />
Live large & Play your role well.

U live just once.<br />
U are playing a role in this drama of life.<br />
Live large & Play your role well.

GOSH!<br />
After reading all the comments already posted I am at a loss as to what to ad. There are probably so many of us in the same situation, I just had to say something to someone who has got her stuff all together and not as the usual out come, "I finally got all my stuff together and now I can’t lift it." <br />
<br />
I think you have all your stuff together and can run <br />
with it.<br />
<br />
One of my favorite ex<x>pressions, "KEEPONKEEPINON"<br />
<br />
<br />

I have found myself in the trip of redescovering myself and recreate almost from scratch my relation with love. As I had a different perception of love from a while ago now, with these new glasses i started to love and to care things that made me feel more empowered with the universe and as I read you I can only say that I love you for what we are, I do not know phisically but I love you because you represent that part that is awakening for a evolution of humankind!

Good on you! I hope and pray that yourjourney forward is all you could wish for.

I wish you much luck, and truly hope that you find what you are seeking in life.

Thank you everyone! Your kind words and support mean a lot. I am feeling very blessed to have found such a wonderful community! <br />
I have found that just being able to make the statement "living life for me"- is empowing. Thanks again for the love and support!!

I love how determined you are, despite everything. I hope you never ever give up.

I am in a similar position as you though I have not been raped physically. Emotionally raped for sure. Stay true to the words you have written. I am still trying to figure out though it sounds funny how to love myself and take care of myself. It was so, so easy to take care of others. I just have to break through this illusion that I have created which stops me from being myself. Bottom line is loving yourself unconditionally. No one else will so you have to do it yourself. Hammer that through you. Do not let the past take you to the dark side. Make sure you forgive, know that negative emotions are your enemies. The pebble of pain was dropped a long time ago. Do not let the perpetual pain ripple color your future. I wish you the best in your journey.

You are going in the right direction. In the end the only solution to anything is love. First you have to learn to love yourself. Then you have to move to learn to forgive. You will find that when you can forgive the hurt gets a little less but more importantly you will realise that the main one who benefits from your forgiveness is yourself as the gnawing, the hatred and the loathing moves away. Love and forgiveness move together. together they they give you the chance to establish and re-establish relationships which are the key to life.

I'm glad you have made this decision to live your life for yourself. Be strong, love yourself unconditionally. You can do anything, don't negative people get in your way. You can.

Awesome!!<br />
I'm happy to hear you are gonna grab the bull by it's horns…..and I wish you all the best on your journey!!