Not Your Typical Past...

I consider myself one of the lucky ones as far as my family goes...

- I was never abused by my folks
- I was never bullied at school and always found my way into the "in crowd"
- We didnt grow up rich but we lived comfortably

So I am greatful that I had a decent homelife... or at least the appearance of one...I did manage to find my way into trouble because I found people who actually valued me as a person and not by my GPA and class rank, which was a big deal in my family. I had to give up so many things I loved...who knows what I could have been...

But like most people I wish I could have been a better person...

Maybe I wouldnt have seen my first murder at 15, maybe I would not have gotten heavily involved in crime and drugs... and maybe I would not have taken that job with in the military that I hated everyday and is the cause of so much of my guilt today.

It is a fight everday to not revert to that person I was 3 years ago... but its hard, everyday is a challenge.

Silver01ta Silver01ta
36-40, M
4 Responses Apr 11, 2008

No its not fear. <br />
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I actually welcome it sometimes. We are what we are and eventually we will succomb to that. If you fight yourself, you always lose. <br />
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The things I have done and the countless lives I have affected haunt me everyday. Everyone says "forgive yourself" but I am beyond forgiveness. beyond redemption. <br />
<br />
I am who I am. And Im okay with that.

Interesting that you use those words..."" The one thing those words have in common is FEAR. You tell about your life and I hear mine. I grew up in a good family. My parents gave us what we needed. I got good grades. went to private school. I failed out because I felt I was being forced to go there and get good grades. "I'll show them..." (right?) I completed my high school diploma and I joined the army, hated my job, got out, found drugs, violence fear, etc... Today I am a single mother. I haven't done drugs in three years, I am going to college, and I work at an outpatient drug treatment center. So it can be done. Fate plays no part in your life and who you choose to be. Fate is an excuse to make you feel better when you give up trying. You are the maker of your own destiny.

Thanks you.<br />
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If I can get rid the nightmares and the guilt.... which are related... then I think I can do it. Somedays though, I wonder if I am fated to head down that dreaded path and all of this is just delaying the inevitable.<br />
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Good luck on your journey. May you succeed where I always fail.

You are right, each day is a challenge. However, we have a choice to make go forward or to go back. You are going forward into the unknown & that is what's difficult. Meeting and overcoming the challenges is very satisfying and is what makes us want to continue to move forward. Knowing that we have it within ourselves to become what we want for ourselves is most rewarding. It is my goal. =)