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I Think About Him All The Time...

He was my destiny. I loved every particle of him. I have been living a shadow life without him. I was a coward and also a liar, I couldn't keep up with him even though I wanted so much for everything to work out. I don't know how to tell the story because I have kept it inside even though I suspect some of my friends know my true feelings. I am with someone else now and we both hurt every day because of our pasts.
If I knew he was in my town at this very moment, if he called my phone I would run to him. The distance is wonderful at stopping me from throwing everything I have away so life sadly carries on.
Weird things carry on as well. I think I have found him. We both like to write, like we love travel - he more than I, and I think he joined a forum he knew I'd been a member on for a while. We used to play these mind games with each other. It was a large part of our sexual chemistry. I think he's on there and has reached out to me and is writing all these open love letters that are tearing me apart.
My life, I jump into everything, it's the story of my life, without serious consideration about the consequences of my decisions. But I have never regretted him, never. And I will see him again, I know it now, as I write these words. I love him so much!
I think about him all the time. He knows how fake my 'happy life' is. He knows me inside out. And he's reeling me in, as I reel him, this is a game we play.
I'm not naive. The very reason I let him go. I was trying to be wise and practical. Ended up intensely unhappy and trapped though.
If he called me right now I would go. I am that treacherous. Everything I do seems to lead back to waiting for his move.
I think about him all the time! I don't consider calling him at all, I did, one last time, promised to always be in each others lives. I check up on him online. Every day!
The poems are intense and beautiful. Naked, like mine to him. We used to be so fearless and wanton. He tells stories of us.
I think about him all the time and I worry I'm imagining things and driving myself crazy. My greatest fear is living with this longing for the rest of my life. I hear stories of people's misery, living without the ones they're in love with and it kills me so much. I live to love!
I want him so bad. Even as I imagine how seeing him again could change everything, maybe for the worse.
Limbojet Limbojet 26-30 May 29, 2012

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