Serenity...After being home this past weekend for my grandmothers funeral...the past is what has been on my mind and on the minds of my family. People always want to remind others not to dwell in the past. While, I see the logic ..I also see that without reflecting on the past...you may not ever have the future you seek. Sometimes...old wounds fester and do not quite heal enough to allow you to move forward so it may take a little reflection upon the past to get down to the heart of the matter.
The first person to ever leave my life was my father. I never even had the opportunity to see him...ever. I am not actually sure of the reasons behind it all..as my mother tends to not want to tell me...these are answers that I will get , and very soon...(my mother ...is a whole different post...for a whole different day.) This , planted the 'seed' for my own self esteem I believe. I may not have realized it until now ...but this was just the beginning.
~Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change~
My grandmother....while there is a pretty in depth story here..I will not go into too much detail ( in fact I plan this story to be a book...for publishing) My grandmother planted the next seed in my life for helping me to feel ..disposable, I assume is a good word. She played favorites...and some people laugh at this...it was in no way shape or form funny to a small child who wanted love from their grandmother. I was not a favorite grandchild, nor was my mother a favorite child. Therefore...we were made fools of by her intentionally and in front of the rest of the family...she also did this to my aunts and their children. How did she do this?...It was all in how she treated us...in every aspect...and the most obvious was at Christmas. The uncles were the favorites...and their children. Her favoritism was made obvious and it was made obvious on purpose....the ways she treated the grandchildren who were not her favorites was kind of appalling really and so ...this attributed to my feelings of not being good enough...not even for my own grandmother.
~ Courage to change the things I can ~
This was seemingly the theme throughout my life...people who just could not bring themselves to stick around...or show me my worth to them and I ended up feeling inadequate...ugly..no good...not worth the time or effort. Low self esteem...because no one ever showed me my worth..not even my mother. She never really showed me how to believe in myself...of course, she never believed in herself...how could she show me how to do that if she couldn't?
~And the wisdom to know the difference~
I cannot change these things from my past....they are and were what helped to shape who I am and how I think....What I can change is the way I let it make me feel. I know i am good enough, worthy of the things I seek in this life..worthy of someone to love me despite my misgivings...worthy of succeeding...I know that I am beautiful..inside and out and that anyone who passes me up is just plain stupid, and really missing out on something and someone amazing. I am unique..one of a kind and I do not have time anymore for anyone who does not think so. I deserve the best....I deserve what I give out to come back to me and damnit....this, pattern of sticking around people who only bring me down....will change.
I cannot change the past...I can use it to change the future...and I think that, now, I am ready.