A Lighter Brighter Future

New years day 2010. An unprovoked attack, this time in front of our child. This was the day I knew I had to leave.

At 14 I thought I had found the love of my life. You wanted to be with me all the time, you loved me so much, you missed me too much when I went out with my friends, and anyway they were all ******* yeah, why would I want to spend time with them anyway. "Okay baby". After a few wars I found it was so much easier to agree, to keep you happy, so step by baby step I let you become my entire world.
And for a time this was enough for me.
I was young and dumb and didn't know any better.

I felt I had succeeded in life because I had found a man who loved me completely. A true, pure unconditional love.
I didn't see that it was built entirely on conditions. That every day was a task that could never be completed, a life with no thanks or acceptance. No matter what I did it was never enough.

We got married and had a baby and life was good.
No not really. Not that I can recall. When I think back now I'm sure we must have had good times, after all I stayed with you for 16 years. Maybe they never happened to begin with or maybe the hard times overshadowed any good memories to such a degree that they became invalid.

You were sick, I nursed you. Hundreds of time I resuscitated you, I kept you alive. When you started to suffer with mental illness and I supported you. I kept your business running when you didn't get out of bed for extended periods of time. I worked in your family business with your abusive father. I looked after our child and tried to give him a somewhat decent existence.

You told me I was a useless lazy ***** and that I needed to do my bit for the family by getting a paid job. You demanded daily sex while helpfully pointing out all my flaws and suggesting surgery that would help you feel more attracted to me. You enjoyed humiliating me and making me feel I was worth nothing. You raped me, often. I thought it was normal to bleed when you have sex. It was a real laugh for you to tell friends intimate details of my sexual depravity. All situations which against my will, you had put me in.
Seeing any remaining friends or family would set you off into a rage that would last days, then even receiving a phone call would invoke this response.
Every day I wanted to be dead.
You were selfish, abusive, violent and mean.

I really wanted one man to be the father of my children and the love of my life and to live together happily ever after.
And God knows I tried.

You can't understand why I left.
You thought we would be together forever.
Puzzling isn't it.

Thank goodness this isn't the end of the story.
It is only the end of this chapter.
I don't usually think or speak of this life I used to live.
It is my past and will always be a piece of what has shaped me into the woman I am today. Those years have given me depth of character I would not have achieved without living it.
I went into the relationship a dumb girl and came out pieces of a woman, now I feel whole again and my future is exciting.
Jane2013 Jane2013
31-35, F
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

your last para is golden.

wish you the very best for your bright new future, dear :)

You articulate an amazing life beautifully. Sometimes where we are is perfect, because as filthy, dirty laundry, we can become clean and beautiful. You now know who you are and what you want life to be about. I am thrilled for your optimism!