Guilt Complex

I have the biggest guilt complex in the face of ever! It's really bad. Also, I expect a lot out of myself, so when I make a mistake, I get upset with myself and punish myself by thinking I'm a horrible person.
That happened about three years ago when I gave my virginity to a man who turned out to be a mistake.
For months after I broke up with him I was depressed. He had convinced me to do things I couldn't believe I had done. Things that went against everything I had believed in, everything I had been taught to avoid. My family and I are very religious and I knew if anyone in my family found out what I had done they would be so disappointed in me. Or, at least that's what I thought at the time. They turned out to be very supportive and loving.
For those few months after though I wouldn't come out of my room, my grades tanked, I was barely eating and I didn't know who I was. It was horrible, I've never felt so lost in my entire life.
I took me years to get over what I had done, years to find out who I was again, and years to come to terms with my past.
I look back now and I still can't believe that was me, that I had done those awful things. But, I know I'm not that person anymore. I know now that I can either let my past overwhelm my future, or I can push it aside and learn from it.
I've grown up a lot since then, a ton actually. And it still shocks me every time I look at my past, but it doesn't drag me down anymore.
My future is brighter because of my past, because of the growing up I did, because I found out who I wanted to be and made that who I am, because I have more conviction and more resolve now.
I can't change my past. But I can prepare for my future. If I had kept holding on to the past, it would have devastated my future. I have no doubt in my mind that I would have become clinically depressed. But, despite my guilt complex I let my past go. Sometimes the guilt comes back, but I know how to handle it now. It's not easy, it never was, but I think it's worth it. I don't think I could have come this far without the experiences my past made me live through.
My future is still bright, despite my past, and it will continue to be.
Tryingtobebrave Tryingtobebrave
18-21, F
Dec 15, 2012