More Than What She Thought I Would Be...

Most of you already know my childhood story. If not, I encourage you to go read my story titled: Family Portrait. My mother never wanted a daughter and every single day of my life she has made that fact known to me. As if abandoning me at 6 months wasn't proof in itself!

I guess I shouldn't really expect much from a woman who was only 22 years old at the time I was born, but damn....what happens to those warm mushy feelings you get after you give birth? Shouldn't that have been enough for her to want me or better yet...love me?

Leaving me in houses with strangers doing God knows what to me. Finally my grandmother got custody of me and even though she tried and did her best in raising me, I still wanted my mother to love me! I hid most of my emotions from my grandmother. She would have been brokenhearted to know some of the hell I dealt with on a every day basis.

It probably wouldn't have been so bad if my mother would have left and stayed gone, but she kept appearing back in my life periodically to fill my head with all these hopes and dreams of her getting her life together and coming back for me, which my grandmother told me not to believe. I knew my grandma was right, but I was only a child hoping and praying my mother would want me.

Whats even worse is my mother telling me that my father ran off and didn't want me, because I would have ruined his hopes and dreams. She told me he was married to another woman and had other children to worry about. Only I found out when I was 19 that he had tried to see me, but my mother wouldn't let him. She made up some false story about him and got a restraining order out on him which meant he couldn't be around me either. My grandmother verified it.

After dealing with my mother, being raped at 10 and 13 years old, being in an abusive relationship all of these things have made me a stronger person. I don't have to be a prisoner to my past anymore. It took a very long time to get over these situations and some of it I still struggle with on a daily basis, but Im moving past it with ever passing day. My husband Anthony has been a big help in my recovery process. Im so lucky to have him.

If I didn't learn anything from all these experiences I know one thing is true....after being so unloved by my mother is that no child should ever feel unwanted or unloved. Growing up I vowed to never make my children feel this way. I hate to admit it, but after being raped at 10 and 13 years old....my daughter may end up thinking Im a bit overprotective, but I don't want these things to happen to her. She should have a choice in who she wants to take her virginity not have it stolen by someone else like I did.

I can not change my past, but I am changing my future and it starts today! :)
Blackbarbie1987 Blackbarbie1987
26-30, F
4 Responses Jan 12, 2013

That is the spirit.
I wish you well

You are a remarkable woman.!.!.! You are looking toward the future while growing in the today. You have a supportive man in your life and a child to view the wonderment of life with. You say you became a stronger person from surviving the rape and abuse while growing up!

Take care of yourself so you are better able to help others. In helping others I find that I am helping myself heal as well. Thanks for sharing

Amazing story of strength as well as perseverence. All the best to you and your family.

Woww:(