Love Turned Into A Feeling Of Numb

Over the last few months I have met someone I would consider my soul-mate. We literally have so much in common and have talked every night since we met. This is relationship is long-distant, like in terms of it being an international relationship. I live in the UK and she lives in Denmark.

From the very beginning we have had an extremely honest relationship. We originally met on Omegle, where we talked for hours to begin with. I wasn't looking for anything dodgy like most people do on Omegle but a general conversation about our different cultures. We spoke for hours and didn't even say what we looked like, age, sex or anything. It was nice just to talk to a random stranger about things that had been bothering me and she was doing the same.

We got on so well I actually thought she couldn't possibly be a girl since she was being so polite to me and we were having such a great conversation. It was great to find out she was, then to discover she was younger then I thought she was and found she was incredibly attractive.

Things went really well after, she came over here and I went to Denmark for Christmas and New years. Meeting her Mum and Brother. We had the occasional argument but I always think that is important in a relationship.To be able to air your disagreements and settle them in the end. I found it difficult to show her that arguments are healthy. There were a few moments where we did kind of drift apart but came back stronger afterwards. This being due to our complete honesty pushing one another away, realising how much we really care about one another, settling the argument and then feeling like we are even stronger afterwards.

From day one I knew about her deceased ex who she very much loved and cared for. They had a very volatile relationship due to him taking drugs. He had also killed someone and used to treat my girlfriend really ****. (My girlfriend is 19 but you would swear she is a lot older with the way she acts). She got fed up with the way he was treating her and sent a letter to her deceased ex and told him it was over and slept with someone from Sweden. After that her ex decided to commit suicide which almost destroyed my girlfriend but she came back stronger.

His suicide happened March 2012, we found one another November 2012. At the beginning of the relationship I did not care about all this and knew apart of her will always love him and I should accept that. That was easy at the beginning, it was a new relationship, just getting to know each other. I didn't mind her talking about him and telling me how she felt. I attempted to make her feel better and most of the time did (she is extremely strong though). She tells me that I make her feel balanced just as she does with me. We started to tell each other that we loved one another and then really started to fall in love.

Now I best tell you my story, so what I say. I'm 25 and properly haven't been in relationship since my ex fiancée. We were together 2 and a bit years and split nearly 4 years ago. When I was with my ex, we argued. A lot, her jealousy got the better of our relationship and ultimately her emotions were all over the place. She continually told me that she would just walk out the door and never return. Continually telling me that she would leave, that made me distance myself from her. Getting ready for her to leave, I felt numb then trying in all my power to salvage the relationship but just looking at my ex fiancée and realising that every day that we stay together is another day of pain for her. I couldn't do it any more, so I decided it was time to split.

After we split, my ex went crazy spreading a rumour around all my old friends that I was a potential rapist. She managed to convince a lot of them, in reality it couldn't be further from the truth. This was in a different part of the country from where I was living in at the time and due to that rumour I felt that a nuclear bomb had dropped on that part of the country. Feeling that if I go back then I would get radiation poisoning. I tried to go back and felt so numb, I didn't even recognise someone I knew for years.

After that people said it was if I was going through mourning, then years later someone was saying it sounds like I had been suffering post-traumatic stress syndrome as well. Like I had suffered a trauma but for two years I didn't date. I kept the flat we were living in exactly as it was when my ex was there. I kept myself there locked away, like a self built prison which all my wages were going onto.

Then when I did start dating again, I struggled. I felt isolated and completely alone like I couldn't trust a single person. I manage to keep some very old friends who literally laughed at the crazy idea of me being a potential rapist. It was weird since she used to complain about me not being enough of a man in bed.

But, after years of feeling isolated and completely alone. I then decided it was about time I started to date again. Tried all sorts of places but couldn't find a girl that was the same age or younger then me who was sensible about what she wanted out of life and a relationship. Plus throughout the whole time I was working as a Care assistant, dealing with people with dementia. A lot of people say "that must be rewarding" and I immediately turn round being as honest as I am and say "actually no". Occasionally it can be rewarding but every day I am facing abuse. Physical and Verbal expected just to take it. This turned me into a grumpy over-dominating person who no one would like to be with.

Luckily I had a motorbike accident that caused me to be off work for a very long time. I was able to reflect and regain my fun-loving personality and at the end of those few months off, I met my current girlfriend. When I was completely bored and just fancied talking about random shite on Omegle to a complete stranger.

She has been amazing to me and as I write this it is making me feel better. But it is becoming harder to deal with the fact that she still cares about her deceased ex. We had an argument earlier in the month after new years. I found this girl attractive in the nightclub and was lightly flirting with her. Even though her boyfriend was right next to me. I was expecting my girlfriend to say something and hell I cant remember what I said that night. So I waited a few days and it started to bother me. So I brought it up and we had quite a big argument about it. Not because she was jealous but because she wasn't. She was wondering why I brought it up again considering I said all that when I was drunk and it was fine. I was completely honest with her. The honesty being that I am obsessed with her and can't even watch **** any more with my girlfriend popping into my mind and distracting me. She is always there, with me. But for that moment, I had the usual guy thoughts coming into my head. In the drunken state I was in thinking of how great it would be to have a 3some.

My girlfriend really wasn't bothered by it because she knows that didn't happen and I would do nothing to intentially hurt her. But she hadn't set the boundaries of our relationship. She was hurt because I forgot I said it and left it quite a few days to tell her how I felt. But because the boundaries weren't set in stone, I want to know. I wanted her to be angry or something. She has always said to us, our relationship is great because we have so much freedom. We trust each other completely and I think that is due to our complete honesty. At the end of the argument, something stuck with me. She said that if I did do anything, if I did cheat. There wouldn't be any arguments, she would just leave. I told her I felt that was really cold and has made me feel it was a proper threat. Like she doesn't care enough for me to fight for me or even argue it out. She would just leave. It hurt.

Well about a week and a half later, she was talking about coming across a message from her deceased ex again. She was then asking why I was acting a bit funny. Previously I was able to blame other things because the emotions weren't beginning to be that strong. But this time they were very prominent and very strong. We had a small argument about it which ended with the fact that she was saying I take up the majority of her heart. That kind of hurt me because I know its selfish but I want her to love me whole-heartedly. I turned around and said about that difference. She still had a part of her heart going to her deceased ex. She hasn't really had enough time to get properly over him. It upsets me.

I have a father who constantly disappoints me with his promises and never truly being there for me when I am in dire need. I have learnt how to distance myself from that. Using the same technique when I was with my ex-fiancée. I cant actually help feeling that way sometimes, if someone really hurts me, I will back off them. I guess it works well when I'm dealing with the abuse at work. So throughout the day at work that day I constantly think of the fact that she wont be loving me completely for perhaps ever. I was doing what I would do with my father. Constantly thinking got to be prepared for her to never really show her love and affection like she did with her ex. She drew pictures for him, there are pictures everywhere. He sang for her and you know all the loving things couples do. I get words and offering herself when I want it as well a voucher for sky diving experience that had other things on. She was saying she didn't actually get me for Christmas.

I thought it was going to be something big, the way she was describing it pre-Christmas. I panicked and was trying to think what to get her. All sorts of ideas went through my mind and I then realised that she used to draw amazing, beautiful places that she wants to visit. She did that when she was depressed. Then we had a discussion's about where we want to be and I was saying its the journey that's important, not the destination. So I was trying to get my creative juices flowing to come up with an idea. I eventually came up with a trip on the Bernina express through the alps. First class, able to see glorious views, chugging along through the mountains on the little train. Having a picnic as we look out upon the surroundings. That is coming up at the end of this month.

Actually thinking about it, I remember when she was saying "your present is amazing! Well if you don't want it, I can certainly use it." Saying that we need a strong and stable relationship. Yet the relationship is strong and always have been and I always thought it was pretty stable. I don't know any long lasting relationship that doesn't have arguments involved.

All these thoughts float in my mind, not being able to help the way I feel about the situation. Feeling distant from my girlfriend over the last few days since she admitted that she didn't love me whole heartedly. It was last night when I knew it was a problem. I suggested doing some cyber by saying "I get excited every time I think of you" and her telling me "I get excited when I see you".

The feeling of becoming number passed over me and feeling more at distant from her then the actual distance between us. Feeling that feeling of needing a fix, I went onto omegle and talked to a few people searching to have cyber with a stranger. I never did do it. But ended up watching **** for the first time in a long time and actually enjoying it without thinking of my girlfriend.

I feel as though I'm being selfish by having these feelings. I feel as though I should be patient. I am a person who felt the most awful feeling of isolation and loneliness anyone could feel. That feeling made me slightly insane and left my heart empty with a huge space to fill. So perhaps through desperation I went for my current girlfriend and fell head over heels for her. But she is the perfect girl in every way.

Its just I feel as though she could drop me at any moment, even though she has said it would be only if I do something wrong. But if she did cheat on me or something I would work through the problem. I would find out why she felt the need to cheat. Like she has given that chance to so many guys previous. She has always gone for guys who treat her wrong in the past and she has put up with it. It annoys me that I haven't done anything wrong yet if I did do something wrong she would dump me. She says its because she doesn't want to be treated like she has in the past. But it hurts.

So now I am floating along in this relationship, once again feeling numb towards my partner. Not knowing what to do? She has told me exactly how she feels and honest about everything. I suppose I should talk to her about it but I just feel it would come to the same conclusion as the last little argument. I love her so desperately much and now I have put a shield round my heart. I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel this way, I want to love her with all my heart and she feel the same way about me.

But I am finding it hard that she doesn't. Even though she constantly say's she does. The distance from her doesn't help.
EddIt EddIt
22-25, M
Jan 18, 2013