How To Put It Behind Me?

I definitively have a lot of blessings in my life and a lot to be thankful for. But i guess some things cannot be undone or unseen. It is those things that stick with you for the rest of your life no matter how hard you want to move on and forget.

I believe that all things happen for a reason even the things we don't understand. Everything in my life happened for a reason. Sometimes i wish i could just skip to the part were I can figure out why everything happened the way it did...

When i was 1 month old i was adopted. My biological mother - Kate- was only 18 years old when i was born. She didn't want kids at that age. She was going to have an abortion but my adoptive parents- which i call mom and dad- stopped her. My biological father - Justin- claimed that i wasn't his. they were not married at that stage so there was nothing much that could be done but to let me be adopted. I did stay with Kate for a month but she was not interested in a child.

Luckily my adoption stayed in the family which is rare is most cases. I was legally adopted trough my grandparents. ( Kate's parents ). The deal in my adoption papers was that if Kate could stand on her own two feet and make responsible decisions she could have me back and raise me but it never happened. I was about 5-6 years old when they told me i am adopted. At that age it really didn't matter to me at all.

Kate had 2 sons - 5 and 6 years older than me- which she kept and raised by herself. Over the years since i was adopted me and Kate grew a strong bond between us. But then it all started. She started to sleep around with random guys, using drugs and drinking.

We still had a close bond. Then one day she just left without saying goodbye. she took my two little half brothers, which i love dearly, an left. I was only 10 years old but it felt like my heart had been ripped out. I cried and missed her very much. She eventually came back and again we grew close to each other but after a few months she left again. She did this 6 times, she left me 6 times. every time she left i would cry except the last time.

The second last time she left she got pregnant again with a baby girl. She was adopted after birth. I have a 6 year old half sister that i will never meet.

She is finally getting her life back together after 19 years and she is engaged as well. But she still makes a lot of irresponsible decisions and i am finding it hard to trust her the way i should. Like they say when trust is broken it is like broken glass, you can never put it back together like the way it was.

But between all of this a lot of things happened to me as well.

I was molested for about 4 years by a very close family member. I didn't understand what was happening and he convinced me that it was all right . He never had sex with me but he did a lot of inappropriate things to me and every time it got worse. Unfortunately i have a lot of vivid memories of that time.

I started playing sport to get away from it. Till this day i am grateful that i did. Sport has a given me a lot of opportunities- i am going to study psychology and represent my country this year thanks to sport. My family never watch me play. Only my mom watched my first game in 2002 and nobody else since then. It was hard as a child of only 9 to understand why everyone's parent was there except mine. I got used to it, although i had to rely on other people which i didn't like. But i learned a lot of life lessons along the way.

I never told anyone that i was molested. I will never tell my family that because the little family i have will be ripped apart.

I got in-touch with Justin, my biological father, after 18 years. I never met him but i know that he is married and has a son.

Sometimes i wonder why Kate and Justin didn't want me but now that they have other kids they are willing to raise them.

Me and my parent aren't very close because of the huge age gap between us. But i really love them with all my heart and i know that they will do anything they can for me. can"t talk to them about some things. I feel very uncomfortable when i do and i don't know if that is wrong.

This is just a few things that happened to me. But it is the first time i will be sharing it.

This things didn't bother at all in my life. But this last year everything just keeps popping up in my head and i cant stop thinking about it. I don't like to share my feelings at all and i don't know if that is maybe the problem.

But in all honesty i really want to put everything behind me and move on. I never blamed Kate and Justin and i forgave the man who molested me. I can't undo the past so i think it is best to put it behind me and move on.
Jeanie2 Jeanie2
18-21, F
Jan 18, 2013