I Cant Change the Past But I Can Change My Future
Have you ever done something so bad it sticks with you for the rest of your life? It haunts you. Day, night, random times, contemplated times; you close your eyes and it’s there, you dream with your eyes open and it’s there, you try to enjoy a single solitary moment and all of a sudden it’s there. A moment that is supposed to be beautiful is now ruined, a memory that was supposed to be pure is now mutilated by that bad thing you did so long ago.
I have a bad thing in my life. A memory that won’t leave me alone. What’s really ironic is to everyone else who doesn’t know my story I look like a saint. People come up to me all the time and tell me how nice I am, how sweet I am, what a special person I am. I feel like a fraud. I’ve spent the last few years of my life making up for what I did. I spent the last few years becoming the kind of person people would say things about; ‘she’s nice, she’s sweet, she’s so kind.’ It’s what I wanted, it’s who I wanted to be. But every time someone comments I just want to look them in the eyes and say ‘I’m deceiving you, if only you knew, you wouldn’t be saying those things.’
I know it’s not right. I know I should forgive myself. But it’s hard! I look back on my life and I can’t believe that’s who I was! That I had done those things. I guess my guilt is my punishment. I had a beautiful day with the man I love last week. It was perfect. And then suddenly, I remembered stuff I didn’t want to, stuff that was devastating to me because instead of seeing the man I love, I saw the man who was a mistake. Instead of living in the present I was ripped away to the past again. I can’t escape it. I can’t control it, it just hits at random times without warnings.
I feel guilty. I feel . . . well I guess I feel dirty. I hide what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling and put on a happy face and people buy it! I want them to, I don’t want them to see how I really am, who I was. I can live with the guilt, that’s not the problem. The problem is I have the guilt and I can’t get rid of it. I’ve tried to forgive myself, I’ve even tried asking for help on how to forgive myself. It’s not that easy. I’m very hard on myself, I expect a lot and I normally give a lot. I had a moment of time a few years ago where I lowered my self set standards, where I was insecure and didn’t think I was worth anything; and now I’m forever paying for it.
I can’t enjoy precious moments with the man I love. They’re soiled. It’s heartbreaking. I want to forgive myself but I don’t know how. I’m not the person I was. I know that. But I’m not the person I want to be either. I can be so much better than this, I can DO so much better than this. And yet I’m stuck being selfish and haunted because of a mistake in my past I can’t undo. What if this mistake holds me back for the rest of my life?
I’m no longer the person I used to be. That’s both good and bad. I’m no longer so impulsive, so naive, so selfish. But I’m much more reserved, too reserved than I want to be, than what’s good for me. I don’t have fun the way I used to. I’m not as exciting, not as carefree, I don’t do the things I used to love to do. I’m responsible and I internalize everything. It’s wearing on me. I think of who I was, and yeah I did awful things, but I actually lived life! Not like this, not this retinue of just being day to day. This monotonous course I set myself on, that I made sure had no bends or edges, no sticks in my path or rocks to jump over. Just a straight course towards an achievable goal. My life lacks excitement. I know that’s my own fault, it’s because I’m being so careful not to make anymore mistakes that will haunt me again. But seriously! I don’t have a life right now. I’m existing I’m not living.
The girl I used to be, sure was immature, but she lived. She seized opportunities, she had such ambition, she dreamed and she fought and she was happy. The girl I am now is mature – which, I needed to grow up, definitely -, she;s cautious and careful and calculated. I remember a time where I lived day to day, now if I don’t have a plan, I don’t do anything. I’m not spontaneous anymore. I want to be, but it’s like I’ve forgotten HOW to be. Sometimes I just want to break free and go crazy! But then I logically consider the consequences and I settle back down into my stoic, quiet, careful ways. I’m not who I used to be. Who I used to be got me in trouble it made me haunted. But it also made me free. I’ve never felt more imprisoned than I do now; and it’s my own self that’s the prison guard.
I have a bad thing in my life. A memory that won’t leave me alone. What’s really ironic is to everyone else who doesn’t know my story I look like a saint. People come up to me all the time and tell me how nice I am, how sweet I am, what a special person I am. I feel like a fraud. I’ve spent the last few years of my life making up for what I did. I spent the last few years becoming the kind of person people would say things about; ‘she’s nice, she’s sweet, she’s so kind.’ It’s what I wanted, it’s who I wanted to be. But every time someone comments I just want to look them in the eyes and say ‘I’m deceiving you, if only you knew, you wouldn’t be saying those things.’
I know it’s not right. I know I should forgive myself. But it’s hard! I look back on my life and I can’t believe that’s who I was! That I had done those things. I guess my guilt is my punishment. I had a beautiful day with the man I love last week. It was perfect. And then suddenly, I remembered stuff I didn’t want to, stuff that was devastating to me because instead of seeing the man I love, I saw the man who was a mistake. Instead of living in the present I was ripped away to the past again. I can’t escape it. I can’t control it, it just hits at random times without warnings.
I feel guilty. I feel . . . well I guess I feel dirty. I hide what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling and put on a happy face and people buy it! I want them to, I don’t want them to see how I really am, who I was. I can live with the guilt, that’s not the problem. The problem is I have the guilt and I can’t get rid of it. I’ve tried to forgive myself, I’ve even tried asking for help on how to forgive myself. It’s not that easy. I’m very hard on myself, I expect a lot and I normally give a lot. I had a moment of time a few years ago where I lowered my self set standards, where I was insecure and didn’t think I was worth anything; and now I’m forever paying for it.
I can’t enjoy precious moments with the man I love. They’re soiled. It’s heartbreaking. I want to forgive myself but I don’t know how. I’m not the person I was. I know that. But I’m not the person I want to be either. I can be so much better than this, I can DO so much better than this. And yet I’m stuck being selfish and haunted because of a mistake in my past I can’t undo. What if this mistake holds me back for the rest of my life?
I’m no longer the person I used to be. That’s both good and bad. I’m no longer so impulsive, so naive, so selfish. But I’m much more reserved, too reserved than I want to be, than what’s good for me. I don’t have fun the way I used to. I’m not as exciting, not as carefree, I don’t do the things I used to love to do. I’m responsible and I internalize everything. It’s wearing on me. I think of who I was, and yeah I did awful things, but I actually lived life! Not like this, not this retinue of just being day to day. This monotonous course I set myself on, that I made sure had no bends or edges, no sticks in my path or rocks to jump over. Just a straight course towards an achievable goal. My life lacks excitement. I know that’s my own fault, it’s because I’m being so careful not to make anymore mistakes that will haunt me again. But seriously! I don’t have a life right now. I’m existing I’m not living.
The girl I used to be, sure was immature, but she lived. She seized opportunities, she had such ambition, she dreamed and she fought and she was happy. The girl I am now is mature – which, I needed to grow up, definitely -, she;s cautious and careful and calculated. I remember a time where I lived day to day, now if I don’t have a plan, I don’t do anything. I’m not spontaneous anymore. I want to be, but it’s like I’ve forgotten HOW to be. Sometimes I just want to break free and go crazy! But then I logically consider the consequences and I settle back down into my stoic, quiet, careful ways. I’m not who I used to be. Who I used to be got me in trouble it made me haunted. But it also made me free. I’ve never felt more imprisoned than I do now; and it’s my own self that’s the prison guard.
By:
An EP User
