Change Is Inevitable

As far as I can remember, I have woken every morning wishing that I could change my past. Wishing that I had different parents, a mother that could communicate without yelling & belittling. A father who wasn't a violent alcoholic who lived to humiliate me anyway possible. When I wasn't scared of him lashing out at me, I was scared of him coming into my room unwelcome. My childhood does not hold many positive memories for me, infact I really have very little memory of those times but denial always was  a great coping mechanism for me.

However, in the recent months, at the youthful age of 41, I have finally realized that I cant change my childhood aka my past. Infact I would not want to, not that I would wish the loneliness & fear that I felt on anyone, but these events/ circumstances have lead to the person I am today, good or bad. The more I realize it, the more I am able to forgive - I wont ever forget but I can forgive or at least try. Then maybe, just maybe, I can begin to heal, to hold my head up high and enjoy life, enjoy my future because after so much misery I deserve to be trully happy!

And I will be.....

wickedties wickedties
41-45, F
12 Responses Nov 21, 2009

Leodisciple, hello ! Yes you are right it is truly a life altering moment.....*smiles*

Kersena, you are correct.....we are taught through our childhood and as an adult we have to learn to see ourselves through our eyes instead of our parents. That way we can learn for ourselves and let go of the past.

I THINK YOUR PAST SHAPES YOUR FUTURE. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE TAKEN THE NEGATIVE AND GAVE IT A GOOD WHAT FOR. !!! WHEN WE ARE CHILDREN, WE DON'T RAISE OURSELVES, OTHERS DO. SOME DON'T DO SUCH A GREAT JOB AT THAT RESPONSIBILITY. HOWEVER, AS WE GROW AND LEARN FROM SUCH IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIORS, WE OURSELVES MUST MAKE WISE DECISIONS TO BE A RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING.

Sylvanas, thank you for your comment. I had to think about what you said for a few minutes and once I did I realized you are right. When I realized that I DID/DO deserve to be happy, my pain and anger started to lift. I suddenly knew that there was a whole world out there that could be incredible and that I could be a part of it. Things seemed possible, achievable and well, enjoyable. I have let my past rule my life, but no more!

If you ask me, you already are starting to be happy. Because you realized that you deserve it. You are young and happy as you feel that. Good luck to you, wickedties.

You are right RevrandAMC, some people do get bitter and paralized, unable to move on and I was like that for sometime. But then one day, I just realized I did not want to be angry anymore and I was tired of letting it rule my life, my decisions and my emotions. I decided that I wanted to be happy...for once in my life, I wanted to be happy. That is all that matters.....so moving on and letting go was important....hell, it was/is key!

I think you are very right in realizing that you have to start with forgiving (which is usually very hard). So many people get bitter and then become parilized so to say and then are never able to move on. Sounds like your hard work may be paying off. Keep it up and I am sure that you will find happiness.

mrsmiley, thank you for the comment....it does make me think and you are right, our inner strength is strong enough to protect us from everything outside, however, that is if we let it. I think that is the key... b/c I think a lot of us, including myself, are/were not able to believe in our inner strength, therefore, not realizing how strong we really were and in turn, not able to move on. <br />
I know that was the case for me.<br />
Thank you again!

Hi I read the story of all the nice things guys have said to you and was wondering why they lost you?

Thank you both for the brief, but eloquent, words! Lol.

Ya go girl

Yey.