I Always Referred To What I Was Doing As "self Surgery"

   I can't say that I remember exactly when but I began drawing sharp butcher knives across my hands and arms when I was about 16. It was an on again - off again affair for the last 20 years.

   Unfortunately, I am "on again"... I know my triggers are loneliness and anxiety... I was disabled at a job a few years ago and my husband has been out of work off and on these last 3 years...

   When we were in San Diego a year or so ago, I started taking my husbands medieval swords and kitchen knives and always cut myself always in places that I could easily hide, considering that my husband was developing a drug problem

   This time it was just a little dry patch of skin and an ingrown hair on my scalp at the back of my head so I began trying to grasp it between my fingernail(to no avail), so out came the tweezers and I was off----  it's so easy for the mind to allow my fingers to begin feeling and searching for any little blemish on my scalp and out came all the implements and ointments and away I went... this period of "self  surgery" has been a very long stretch for me... I just hope I can find the strength to stop...


palevixen palevixen
41-45, F
1 Response Jan 16, 2010

I've never cut myself before, but I know how much it can hurt sometimes. To be so sad and feel just so ALONE. A lot of people think it's just a poetic description when someone talks about emotional pain, but after a while... It just gets to the point where it physically HURTS. It hurts so bad you just want to scream and rip your hair out. But I've found that talking to someone -Not some stupid psychiatrist or anything- but someone you know, or someone online who's been through some of the same stuff and knows how you feel... It helps. Sometimes it may not seem like enough, but it DOES help. That's all I've got to say.