Trying To Learn From My Past..

I have been stuck in the past my whole life. When i was 5 my mom died from cancer and even though my immediate family has "moved on"  the rest have not.

When I was eleven my step grandfather molested me for three years. My parents justified it with he's sick, he has cancer and thinks that you're cute. Your his last fling. He died and we were never to talk about it again.

When i was sixteen  my first boyfriend that I had deep feelings for  fingered me without my permission and made me feel so violated.

When I was 19 my boyfriend and I were madly in love with each other. Or so I thought. He spend the next three years of my life terrorizing me, raping me, isolating me from everyone I knew. he made me feel so worthless and useless without him. I never report the abuse to anyone although my family had their suspicions.


 Now at 23, I fell in love with a man the same age as me. We were together for a year and half. We moved in with each other, and he tells me six months after living together he was never ready for a serious relationship. He broke up with me and he's moving out. His friend came over to my house when he was away for a bit and pretended to console me and raped me.


This past year has been so hard as I couldn't let go of my past. I feel like every time I get close to a man, he hurts me. That's all I know. But, i'm going to start having positive relationships. I'm seeing a new counsellor, getting assertiveness training, and learning how to recognize unsafe people or situations. I may not have the power to go back in time and reverse what has been done to me but I have the power to stop this cycle I seem to be on and learn from these experiences.

cisa cisa
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 9, 2010

when I had to report the rape to the police I asked them if they thought it was a good idea to take a karate class, i was told that i just need to be more aware of who i am spending my time with and what kind of situation i am putting myself in. They made me feel like I was responsible for what happened to me...