A Kiss For My Father

I can't change the past. I have often wondered if I could, would I? You see I ran away from an emotionally abusive and controlling father. After I ran away, I contacted children services and asked to be made a ward of the court. I don't know if anyone can understand what it is like to feel like who you are is in danger of being killed. That's what it was like for me. I was not permitted to be who I am, to have my own opinions. I was not permitted to have friends or participate in any school activities like sports or after school activities. I was expected to act like an adult, to know the consequences of everything I did, I was expected to act like an adult, even when very young. I was to be like him, my father.

I could not live up to his expectations of perfection. I tried to earn his love and acceptance but failed each time. I felt like a wild animal, trapped in a cage and I feared for myself, for who I was. So I ran as far as I could to get away from him. I was made a ward of the court and placed in a group home where I learned that it was ok to express my opinions and concerns. That is where I first experienced the emotion of anger. My experience with anger was always the anger of my father, I was to scared I think to feel that particular emotion. I had been raped of who I was, it had been taken from me by a man who wanted to dictate every aspect of my life.

Funny thing is that I love him. He is my father, and his rejection still hurts. He will have nothing to do with me. The few times I have tried to talk to him  I always end up in tears with my body shaking violently. So after a while, I gave up on trying to talk with him. Gave up all hope of ever having a relationship with him. That use to hurt me a lot. It still does hurt, but not so much as it did.

I still have my moments where I wish I could talk to him. Wish that I could kiss his cheek and hug him tight.

See like me, my father suffered at least one brain injury, possibly two. So at the age of 34 I realized that his actions were not entirely his fault. For years I hated him, hated what he did to me. Now however, I wish I could help him, wish I could look him in the face and tell him that I forgive him, that I love him, and that if there was any other way, I wouldn't have run away.

That will never happen and I can't change that. Some of you might be thinking, why would she want to? And the answer to that is because I know about my fathers  brain injury, and how it went undiagnosed after the jeep he was in hit that land mind and made him go deaf in one ear. I know about it because I was doing research for a paper on Traumatic Brain Injury. The force of the explosion entered his ear canal and caused his deafness in that ear. It also damaged his brain, but no one knew. The only emotion he is capable of showing is anger. He is human, like me, and cannot control everything that happens to and around him. He makes mistakes, like we all do. I love him because he is my father

It saddens me sometimes that I cannot change the past, that I cannot change his feelings towards me. But my life must go on and so it will. I have my youngest daughter with me and have to make sure she is well cared for. To ease the pain of what I went through with my father I make sure that every single day she knows she is loved. I makes sure that she knows that her ideas, thoughts, and emotions are important to me. I make sure she knows how unique and special she is to me. And most importantly, I make sure she knows that even if I am disappointed in something she has done,  I still love her and that there is nothing on this earth that will ever change that.

So no, I can't change the past, but I can and will change the future, both for me and my children.

So now at the end of this story, I give a kiss to my father, I wish him the best, and hope he knows that no matter what, I will always love him.

MorningEcho MorningEcho
41-45, F
Feb 17, 2010