I Have Reinvented Myself

     It's been a long time since I decided to put into words the thoughts and feelings I have in regard to my own life. As odd as it may sound, I am NOT the same person that that embarked upon this journey all those years ago. Recently, I was asked if I had ever "reinvented" myself and I jokingly answered, "Not willingly!". After looking closer at my life and, more importantly, myself, I believe that I was wrong. I HAVE reinvented myself. I have allowed myself to accept who I have become and to enjoy whatever life presents.

     For longer than I care to remember, I held parts of myself in reserve...not laughing, not playing or having fun like others do because I wasn't the person that I thought I should be. I have never  thought of myself in a positive light - all I had ever seen when I looked in the mirror were the flaws, failures and shortcomings that made me less of a person in my own eyes. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see the potential I held inside...I saw only the things that I would never be.

     Life has a habit of passing without ever being seen, or at least that's the way life was for me. I'm not sure when or where it happened, but I know it seemed just over night, the person looking back at me from inside the mirror had passed into middle age.  How long had my youth been gone? What happened to the single mom of 4 small kids with no time to take a break? Where did those babies go, where are the drawings on the fridge made by tiny hands, the muddy shoe and paw prints on the floor left by a laughing little boy and his pup? They've all gone into young adulthood... they've begun the life I've only just now missed.

     With this realization came a long and searching inventory of my life, only this time, I  looked  not in the mirror, but down deep within. I asked myself, "What is it that TRULY matters in life?" Though I had reached middle age, my hair quite white beneath its coat of deep auburn paint, I realized my time was not quite over. This is when I reinvented myself, not knowing that was what I was doing.

     My life had passed so quickly and I had never begun to live or to be the person I always thought I was meant to be. I could no longer afford to say, "tomorrow" or "later", as time is a luxury afforded to the young, a luxury I no longer possessed. It was "now or never" and I knew I could never live a life of "if only" or "what if". I decided right then and there to live as if this very moment were my last, and forget what others might think or say. This was  MY life, and it was time I started to live it!

     Today, I am living a life many wouldn't understand. It's not that it's "bad" or outrageous in any way, it's just a little different. At 45, I finally shed the burden and oppression of a lifetime of  never being "pretty enough", or  "smart enough" or "good enough"...of just never being "enough". I decided that those words had hurt me long enough, they'd left all the scars and pain one lifetime could withstand. So, I lifted up my head to meet the eyes of others on equal ground and saw inside myself a woman that had value after all.

      My abilities may be  different than many others, but that doesn't mean they have no place to shine. I accept the person that I am and I can now live inside my skin and I no longer offer apologies for all the things that I am not. If someone can't see me as I truly am, and appreciate me for the person that I am,  then they aren't a true friend to me, and I doubt they ever were.

     My reinvention of myself hasn't always been easy, and I still sometimes want to turn around and become that young woman in the mirror again, but I WON'T allow myself the luxury of self-pity. I won't let myself to pick up and wear that shroud of shame again. I may not be the best, the brightest or beautiful, but if I let that get me down, my whole life will have been in vain.

     Today, I can see that I am a woman with many talents. I can paint a picture for your mind to see without canvas, paint or brush. I can take you to a place that does not exist, and never has, save in the fields of my own mind. I use words to weave the fabric that brings substance and life to my imaginary world, a place devoid of time, substance or any type of reality or real life. I put passion onto paper and breathe life into people that have no shape or form.

    I have reinvented myself and in doing that, I have found a hidden talent, one I didn't know I had. All those years I wasted, thinking I was not worth the time or effort it would take to get to know, there was a seed inside that never had the chance to feel the sun, to sprout, take root or grow. Now when I write of passionate lovers, of lust and sex and internal fires, of how lives touch and blend as they writhe and scream out in release, I can help you feel their heat and arouse your desire as you share in their emotions and energies as I never could before. I've learned to illustrate something new since I've come to like the person that I've become.

      In the past, I could only help you see what love looked like from the outside.  I  couldn't paint the heat or emotions my characters felt within. My descriptions of love were akin to an artists sculpture, looking real and solid on the outside, but lacking a solid foundation - having nothing for it to rely on for support. To me, love was like a sculpture, the inside wasn't real....Having never known love, my writing was hollow, much like the inside of the old me.

    Today, as before, the stories I write tell the exploits and encounters that I have experienced throughout my life but the new stories I am writing are the best I've ever written. My newest writing holds a new surprise the old ones could never tell. When I reinvented myself, the lesson was not just one of self-acceptance, but something of a far greater value than even gold or diamonds. When I learned to accept  myself for "who" and "how" I am, I learned to love, as well.

imacamarogirl2 imacamarogirl2
46-50, F
5 Responses Feb 20, 2010

Really enjoy the way you write :)

show off. just kidding. You are a good at it.

Seriously telling my story. Wow, great writing. made me stop...

your story is very inspiring... i will also accept for who i am... :)

thanks for sharing your story...it in a way helps me reinvent myself that im trying hard these days.