Living For 34 Years With A Husband With A Personality Disorder

It seem odd to be writing my story because it sounds so depressing, but I am starting to live again.  I left a husband of 34 years as I mentrioned, who has a personality disorder.  Our marriage counselor told me to leave.  So I did.  I married when I was 17, and did not know if I could live on my own.  I have, for the past 2 years.  My grown children are married with children of their own.  I have 6 beautiful grandchildren.  I have not seen them for a long time.  I have always wanted to be a wife, mother and grandmother, but when I left, my children blamed me for leaving their dad when he was sick.  They had married and move out of the house, so they didn't see how he had declined mentally.  I quit my job and can't go back to it, so I am working on my masters in ed.  I don't know if I will be able to finish the semester.  I will probably loose my home.  I am fine though and am keeping going.  I miss my son.  Haven't seen him in more than a year.  My heart aches and at times I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone.  I lost my heat and winters in the northeast were bad this year.  I have determination, and have slept in front of a fireplace since november.  When I start to feel sorry for myself, I see the people of Hati, and think what do I have to be sorry about.  I say a prayer that God will be with me.  And he must be because my almost ex tried to kill me 3 times.  I do not hate him as he is sick.  I can only hope that sometime soon this will be behind me.  I have a newfoundland, who is great company.  My mother is older and is the only person that I have. I have 2 brothers, but they have a life of their own and have not helped me at all.  I often wonder, why this is happening to me, and at times how do I go on?  I have a good friend who is a psychologist, and she said my experience could be a best seller.  What a claim to fame.  I just want peace.  I have been reading about labyrinths, and think that that would be a great way to meditate.  When this is over, I would like to visit some labyrinth sites, including the one in San Fransisco.  If I can survive this, I hope it gives others hope of doing the same.  I have never been out with anyone else, and at this point, don't intend to.  I stayed in a bad marriage for too long. 

hurtingdove hurtingdove
6 Responses Mar 11, 2010

i just left my husban of 15 years..been with him since i was 14. he is sick mentaly too. he know it though and refuses to get help. and i heve lost who i am and the meaning of life. im just now trying to gety it back. i have also lost my job and house and all in about 4 months but i think like could be worse. i do meditate alot. i have books on the inner labyrinths im working through to find peace within my self. your story give me hope for myself. gives me strength. thank you for that. if you need to talk ever look for me k

hurtingdove i understand your humor. You are the one that survived those experiences. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't laff at it, should you choose to do so.<br />
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I'm wishing you all the very bestest as you journey into your new life without him.<br />
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Good for you Chrissy XX! It's when we take time to look at ourselves that we really can find out who we are and not making the same mistakes over again. I'm so glad you have had precious time with your son and grandchildren. I think we find out what the real treasures are, spending time with the ones we love. I'm happy for you, and hope to have the same experience to share. <br />
Have a great weekend.

Your story is a lot like mine I made some bad mistakes got married 3 times. The first was when I was only 20 and I was too young. He would take all my wages and call me names. So eventually I left him. I had no where to go so went back as I didnt want my family to know. I fell pregnant by him. He thought he had me then but when my son was 12 months I left him taking my son with me. Well this sort of story kept with me the 2nd worked in Saudi Arabia. He found another rich woman there and the week that my father died I rang him only to hear a party going off. A woman asked who I was. I said Mrs. ................ I heard her say darling your wife is on the phone. He shouted at me instead of comforting me. So the next day I filed for divorce. The 3rd marriage he became an alcoholic and would give me black eyes and have sex with other women. That one lasted 7 years untill I had enough. I suffered and had a nervous breakdown through him. I divoced him and he went to Newfoundland to be near his family. Last year I found out he had died of a brain haemorage. I was neither glad or angry as my life with him was over. Now im all alone here in my lovely flat. I keep trying to get a job with little luck. My son and I fell out for a year, but I kept persisting and now he says he loves me, I even had my grand children stay over friday to sunday last weekend. It was fantastic to have them with me. We chatted away for hours , played table games, went out shopping, laughed and they want to stay with me again during school holidays. So Im really pleased with this. God bless you and we can always change our futures not our pasts. Chrissy XX

Thank you for your comment, I have often wondered the same thing myself. I do have a sick sense of humor though. I thought that he would do something to me because he would tell me for the past year that we lived together that he could hide a body that no one would find, so I bought a tazer and thought I was safe. Well the judge gave me the houlse to live in until things were settled, and he disconnected the exhaust from the furnace. I thought it was a little funny someone finding me dead with a tazer in my hand,.

Wishing you all the luck in the world. Hoping things will turn around for you. You've put your time in hell and since the marriage was abusive you have every right to leave. How different your children would feel if your ex had killed you. Stay strong!