When I Can't Let Go Of My Past


   It has taken me years and years to let go of my past, because I have learned that while I can't change my  past I can change my future. When I was only 22 years old I had an abortion and never forgave myself for having it.  I wanted to have a child so badly, but my boyfriend felt I was too young and we were not married at the time. After having my abortion I felt so depressed that I began eating and gained a lot of weight.  It wasn't until years later that I was able to lose all of my weight only to gain it all back.  I know now that I can't go back and change what happened, but I felt so much shame and quilt  for murdering my unborn child.  I realize that I had an abortion, but to me it was more like I murdered my own child.  I almost think that I ended up punishing myself for what I did.  I still have a hard time forgiving myself.

   Sometimes think that if I had a boy or girl would be in their late twenties now and where would they be and what would they be doing with their life. I never had any children so my husband and I remain a childless couple.  We don't know any couple's who don't have any children. It seems like most people my husband knows through his work are either single or divorced. My brother has been divorced for 10 years and has one son, but it is so weird he never wanted any children and he has one son.  And I am the one who doesn't have any children..

     In the last two years, I have been seeing a therapist to help me overcome my feelings of not being able to let go of this heavy burden I have been carrying around for thirty years.  She told me that I was very young at the time and we were not yet married.  And then she added that I made the best decision for myself at that time in my life.  I felt some relief like some of what I have been carrying around with me for all these yeas has been lifted.  I realized now that it was like a heavy weight that I was carrying and it was almost like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I now know that most of my depression has come from my not wanting to let go of having to accept that I made the best decision for myself.  I think I have wasted so many years feeling guilty and ashame for having my abortion.  That it has rob me for some of what could have been the best years of my life.           

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1 Response Mar 14, 2010

Heck seems like you've been carrying a burden now for the longest time, the guilt over aborting your baby. It's true that you can't undo your past. But it seems that 2 tragedies have now happened. One is the loss of your unborn child and the other is the guilt that you can't get past. <br />
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You probably chose what you thought was the best solution for your baby then, you were very young and not in any position to raise a child. A child needs an emotionally stable home. <br />
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I know you are truly sorry for it...so stop punishing yourself. Because if you continue to torture yourself over it....you are going to cause another tragedy. The tragedy of you punishing yourself and dragging down your self worth over what you did. <br />
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If someone did something awful to you and you wanted to let go of your bitterness toward that person. You would forgive her. Wouldn't you? So why not forgive yourself? You are that individual.<br />
You need to reconcile yourself to what you did, forgive yourself or else you will not be able to move on.<br />
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And trust me, I know what it is like to do something horrible and destructive to myself. Everyday, I live with the memory of it. And then, I pray to God to forgive me for hurting myself. Am still in the process....but it hurts a lot to hate yourself for what you did and it will continue to rob you of the best in your life too, if you don't forgive yourself.