The Letter That Will Never Be Read

Dear Mom,

   I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry that for 24yrs you had done nothing but cheat and lie to everyone, about everything. Your drug use ruined your family, and quite frankly, my life. As your daughter I feel it is necessary to let you know exactly how I feel about you, and the situation you have put me in. You were a horrible mother, a lousy provider, and the worse possible protector ever. I was 8yrs old learning how to do laundry because either you weren't home, or on a vendetta to show my father that you did not have to do the laundry. You took money that was supposed to go to the bills, groceries, clothing ( for me ) and used it for things that went up your nose. My father was gone all week long hauling coal just to make enough money to make sure to keep the lights on and you used his good heart against him, because instead of outing you like the witch you were, he would just shake his head and go borrow the money. He would constantly lie for you, tell family members that he just didn't make enough money so you could just squander it away, he would sometimes, just to get you to like him, go and fetch whatever fix you needed. As the years progressed and the addiction grew you didn't pay any attention to the daughter and son that needed you. I would go months without seeing you, years without an actual hug or kiss, I was constantly alone. The house I grew up in, was as bad off as me. The rats had ate half way through it and the fleas manifested the other half. I would awake at night to a rat in my bed, I was scared to even breath for it would know and bite me. At school no one knew my secrets, but wearing the same pair of small, ragged jeans hid nothing to the imagination of what was really going on. The only relief I would get from the loneliness at home was when my grandparents would come and get me and wonder why I never wore nice cloths, that was until you dropped me off on their doorstep with just a trash bag full of my belongings, then they realized that I didn't have many cloths that fit, or were even wearable. You know how hurt I was that for 3yrs after you dropped me off that you would not call, stop by, send birthday cards, Christmas gifts, or anything of the such. I would cry alone in bed at night and wonder why my mother didn't love me because at the time I didn't know what was really going on, the whole family hid your secret while I hid my tears. In the years that I was gone, you made everyone believe that my father was mean and cruel, but now I'm on a mission to expose you as the person you truly are. My father provided you with everything you could have ever wanted but instead the addiction took everything he had to the point that all he had left was a race car and a broken down old trailer. You would get so mad b.c of all the money you literally blew on blow could have went towards new cars a new house (actually he did put a down payment on a piece of land that was his grandparents and he would give you hundreds of dollars every month to pay on it, and it wasn't until 3yrs later that he found the letter that you didn't pay one single payment on the property and lost it.. so tell me where did that money go?) . You had family thinking that he didn't trust you, or wouldn't give you money, well I wouldn't either if I was in his shoes, you've got to give him a reason to trust you.  Now it's 24yrs later and you are going through a divorce and all the lies that you have told, and all the secrets are finally catching  up to you. The addiction is getting worse now because all your friends don't want you around (except for the ***** that gets you into this mess), you owe everyone money, and you don't care about anyone but yourself. I know about the 4ft piggy bank that my dad had been saving for my son (only3yrs of age) it was halfway full of spare change that he had been collecting so my son could buy his first car with, you took that from him and cashed it in. With that being said this is what I'm going to say. I became a mother at the age of 19. I was married at 20 ( to a wonderful man). It took me to become a mother to realize what a mother is. I look into his helpless big blue eyes and I know that there isn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for him. I want to give him everything that I never had. I want to be there for him through everything he goes through. I want to be his mother. After I had him, there he was, this innocent little thing and I remember the day I took him home. We lived in a little broken down trailer on the outskirts of town, no air conditioner, in the middle of July, and all I could do was cry. I swore that day that I would never be you. I went back to work, I went back to school, and I worked my *** off. I would get up at 5am to get ready to go to clinicals for 8hrs, then after clinicals I would go to work till 11pm after that I would drive that hour drive home where I would study till 2, and then I would go to bed for 3hrs and do it all over again for a full year. 5yrs later, I am 24yrs old, I have a career, I  have a family, and I have my future. I will no longer see you, I will no longer feed your addiction or by into your sociopathic ways. I have more to lose than you ever thought of having. So today you lost not only your daughter, but the future you could of had if you would of straightened up. Today I will go on living, today I will be happy to have what I have, Today I will no longer live in you shadows of my past. I was sad, but I am happy, I was alone, but now I have everyone, I saw through tears, but now I see clearly. I hope that before you die you can feel remorse for the pain you have caused, I hope before you die that you will be at peace with the life you have made, because Today I am. I know the lord said "honor thy father, and honor thy mother" but what is a mother? That's more of the question? The one who gave birth to you, or the one who wipes your tears? The one who calls and says "Hey I've missed you want to go get some lunch?" I hope the lord will understand, I hope the lord sees that I've tired, but now I've got to make the decision you or my son.... and I hope the lord sees that I, 5yrs ago, made a promise to love my son above all others, to guide him the best I can, to love him right or wrong, and I hope he understands that I don't break promises. So I hope you understand that for the sake of my future, and most importantly for my son, that I will no longer be tied to you, for I have never had a mother, just a women screwing up my life. I love you for the mother you could have been, and feel sorrow for the relationship that should have been. But as for you I feel nothing. So I must go now. And again I'm sorry for the way things ended.

 

-- Love The daughter you could have had.

Guenievere06 Guenievere06
22-25, F
6 Responses Mar 14, 2010

i congrats you,<br />
very inspiring..<br />
i can relate to they way you're feeling . i honestly can,<br />
i'm very proud of you to keep going like that,<br />
it's hard on some people.

wow. i never really thought that i was lucky with my parents who seem to of lost touch with me. but you have been though so much with your mother, and your father working so hard. God bless you!

Tashia girl.. keep your head up, because sometimes at the end of your rainbow there is a pot of Gold .

This inspired me so much. Thank you for sharing your story. :)

aaaawwww thank you sara :-) that's encouraging

WOW - very powerful - you go girl and when you feel down and tired, look into those beautiful baby's eyes and refresh yourself. Keep going honey, the best is yet to come.