Soldiers Don't Cry

I think I've gotten too much practise with this. Soldiers don't cry. They soldier on. I've lost two friends to war and a grandparent while I was overseas, I got to go home only to be told he died a few hours before I touched down. I didn't cry at their funerals. I was told this was normal. That I was just holding strong so I wouldn't be distracted during the ever impending combat. I was told I would go home after tour and eventually I would release. And I didn't.

It's been about a year now since I got back from my third deployment. I've had emotions so strong I sought to kill myself on two occasions since being home and I couldn't cry. I felt like I wanted to. The tears would rush against the dam of self control and however hard they pushed I choked it all back down.

I can't cry in front of soldiers. I can't cry in front of those I take care of. I can't cry in front of friends and family I love, because I don't want them to be upset and worry about me. I see their problems all the time and I want to be the last thing they must worry about.

And now I can't cry. Even in my own house, totally alone and feeling terrible about myself. I can't cry.
deleted deleted
26-30
10 Responses Jan 17, 2012

It is in someways bad... they say to express oneself when one experience something. Crying though, can be hard when one has gained a pride.

Cry !!!...... and yes you can and should and need to. All the reasons you state mean nothing if the sadness burns you inside and you are unable to be what you want to be for others. so... Cry

As a wife of a military man, who was raised by a drill instructor, It is when he cries that I see how strong he truly is.

There's an echo in here again!<br />
<br />
I applaud your service - and fear the consequences for you.<br />
<br />
Please know that there are those here who do care, and are concerned for your health.<br />
<br />
As boys we learn to push away the tears, not to show weakness in the face of adversity. Military training hones those attributes and encourages a show of fearless power.<br />
<br />
Doing so denies the human inside. The need to let go of pain, to express joy, anger, fear, etc without fetter.<br />
<br />
It took me ages to find a counselor who I felt comfortable enough with to allow the tears to come. I knew I needed to let it go to be healthy, but couldn't with male counselors.<br />
<br />
Check out Richard Strozzi Heckler's book "Aikido and the New Warrior" about his work to get SAS soldiers to become more authentic - to express what they felt to make them stronger.<br />
<br />
Rocks don't feel, but they are brittle. Please seek professional help - your talents and experience are sorely needed to help get the world back on track.

There's an echo in here again!<br />
<br />
I applaud your service - and fear the consequences for you.<br />
<br />
Please know that there are those here who do care, and are concerned for your health.<br />
<br />
As boys we learn to push away the tears, not to show weakness in the face of adversity. Military training hones those attributes and encourages a show of fearless power.<br />
<br />
Doing so denies the human inside. The need to let go of pain, to express joy, anger, fear, etc without fetter.<br />
<br />
It took me ages to find a counselor who I felt comfortable enough with to allow the tears to come. I knew I needed to let it go to be healthy, but couldn't with male counselors.<br />
<br />
Check out Richard Strozzi Heckler's book "Aikido and the New Warrior" about his work to get SAS soldiers to become more authentic - to express what they felt to make them stronger.<br />
<br />
Rocks don't feel, but they are brittle. Please seek professional help - your talents and experience are sorely needed to help get the world back on track.

just how stupid are you? check in to a VA hospital, tell them you suffer from PTSD and get some damn help before you do kill yourself or those around you! Dont you read the news?

just how stupid are you? check in to a VA hospital, tell them you suffer from PTSD and get some damn help before you do kill yourself or those around you! Dont you read the news?

just how stupid are you? check in to a VA hospital, tell them you suffer from PTSD and get some damn help before you do kill yourself or those around you! Dont you read the news?

I relate on some level. I taught myself not to cry and did too good of a job of it. Years ago, I tried to kill myself several times, and still no tears. It's a shame, because crying seems like a healthy way to relieve tension. I wish I could do it.<br />
<br />
Though I have NO idea whatsoever what it's like to serve in the military. I have only admiration for someone who makes that sacrifice and weathers such difficult situations. How long has it been since you've gotten home? Maybe it just takes more time to adjust? Whatever the case, you sound like a very strong person.

if we did not cry when alone at what we saw or did we would go crazy<br />
<br />
but then most of us come home that way