Mr Failure, Depressed& Discouraged

I have  a lifetime of failures, put downs from everyone includng my family,so called friends, relationships, teachers, bosses, coworkers etc. I started my childhood always expected to be as great at school as my sibling. This  sibling went on to have  mega schooling, PHD, and probably tens of millions of dollars that is at the beckon call at any moment. I couldnt even keep a relationship going because I wasnt doing what someone else wanted me to do. or spend enoughmoney on them , so they found someone who would. I was the bottom of my high school class.  I just couldnt get the grades that my parents expected out of me. I found myself spending more and more time alone all through my life. I couldnt get myself to accomplish any job the way that the employer told me to do it. It was always, " What the hell are doing??" , " I told to do it this way!!!". Or lately,  I cant seem to get the right answer because I dont have the ability to see the details, or my attention is on all my other food, no money to get bills paid, there isnt enough time to relax, the household chores are waiting...." who is going to do them?? . Then I found out that I wasnt really a wanted child.....ooops. Maybe thats why I was taught to do the chores while my sibling was given   free time to themselves. I just want to escape, Ive been trying to "go away" for years now.  I found out that I was born without the "tool box" that everyone is supposed to get to handle the ups and downs of life. The challenges that stand before everyone trying to make some kind of comfort in this existence.  The relationship I have with my sibling is totally disconnected, and has been all my life. I am "looked down" at  as a failure and a bad example of a human being.  I have taken myself out of the social arena, because I have caused so much pain to others and myself  that I dont deserve to connect with anyone. So I have sentenced myself to exculsion for the remainder of my pitiful, pain causing, existence here on this planet.   I dont think I need to go on.....You  see what Im saying........
dragonmaster6655 dragonmaster6655
7 Responses May 31, 2011

After the last 2 months of battling with myself with these thoughts of, "I'm not good enough to accomplish anything better!", I finally said the hell with that train wreck and made the decision that YES I am good enough! Well that to-late-in coming revelation has led me to getting away from those self absorbed high and mighty perfectionists I currently work with (one in particular), to realizing I can do what needs to be done, and do it...<br />
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I have gotten a much better job offer that pays more, better benefits and all that. Because I finally said NO MORE to being trapped in a world of self doubts all the time, and wanting to be apart of a world of understanding that I am unique,,,I am myself despite any self imposed flaws etc.<br />
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I can do it and now have found myself laughing to myself towards the types I work with currently (in the soon to be old job thank God!), knowing now that those types are self absorbed under achievers who only put on a public guise of achievers with no TRUE skills, knowledge etc.<br />
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It's not a perfect world for me yet, but I'm working on day at a time.

I was thought I was the only who felt like this, I messed up in every area of my life, but you know what I thought about if I had a time machine and go back in time and started over I probably make the same mistakes because something deep within my character, however, I am no longer counting my mistakes, except on my depressed days . <br />
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To hell with all sucessful perfectionists out there who criticise all others with their self righteous speeches, they sit on the toilette like every one else, and highly successful people just like unsuccessful people are gonna die "just like everyone else" so there.

Hi dragonmaster6655. I found your posts, and even tho they're a few months old, I wanted to tell you I have been struggling with the same things you work being told AND shown the right way and screwing it up anyways, then getting asked "why did you do it the opposite way I showed you" and so on.<br />
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Been going through that off and on for awhile now. My confidence gets revved up, then shot down...a cycle that never seems to end!<br />
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I struggle with the fear of losing everything again...apartment, truck I'm buying and all that. Yeah, I look at myself and then others and think..."why can't I be normal like them and be confident, achieve more..." and all that.<br />
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There's more to it, but you're not alone in this! Please never think you are.

Keep striving Dragonmaster6655! Check the name you have given yourself. To be "Master" is to be strong in all you are! God will not give us more than we can bare. Know this personally. I can't give up even though I feel like it. I am a warrior At heart even though I am at this age.I have over come many obstacles myself, I am a survivor. I once read a story about a young man that felt his life was a wreck,. He went to seminary school to get his life in tune with God. When one day he felt like everyting was going well, he went to tell his teacher about it. And so in his excitement told him about how great his life has been since he got there and how his life is finally on track. He wasn't expecting the reply that the teacher gave him... "What?" "How sad.." "It means that you are no longer a threat to satan, you are already his and he doesn't need to fight for you!" Wow, even I didn't expect that. So now when I feel as though I'm fighting the world, I must be in the right place. Keep your head up, I am, And don't forget we are hear for you....

I have tried to find a path of happiness, it always is taken away. I feel it is like a curse, just when I think that I have peace, I have it crushed by some thing that sneeks up on me. I didnt listen to what other people said, I thought of going my way, now it looks like I should have listened. I cant even feel emotions for the other people that care about me. I shut them out because I dont think I deserve them and I will just destroy the relationship that began, just like the other people that liked me. It just keeps happening that way, even when Im paying attention to the "right" and "wrongs" I screw it up anyway.

Dragonmaster,<br />
I can quite understand how you feel. And first of all, let me hail you for holdong on up to now.<br />
As 3lostones says, no one should make you feel differently without you allowing them. It is on you and your brain, a bit literate in mass communication, I have learnt to run away and never listen to what the media says if I know it will disturb my mind. I just find something to keep me occupied with, and maybe share my pain with a good friend. It helps, with a cuddle - things work out fine. And at some point, may be you should go for a short vacation and forget about everything that disturbing you.<br />
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Life anyway, is all about overcoming obstacles, if everything would be just fine, maybe you would have end up in more trouble. So this means you have a reason to live, overcome your obstacles, and never forget. asking God what you need, have faith and rejoice - and wait for the outcome.<br />

It is so easy to fall into a pit isn't it? My dear departed husband used to say "it is easier to go down than to go up." He is so right on this. I have a family much like yours but one brother who stands by me, and loving children, and church people who are my family that I choose. You can live in the self pity mode or do something about it. "It" is never too late to change.No one can make you feel the way you do without your permission! After watching my husband die over 5 years, I learned what Love was all about, not to let anyone hurt me, (especially my nonsupporting family who was good at this), And to surround myself with positive, influential people. You were created for a purpose. Some people don't see this! I've heard a man once say that God created each of us for His pleasure, and if the Creator of the universe took time to make me... I must be special no matter what anyone else thinks! You can pity them, because they live to cause pain, but you can rise above it and find your own happiness without them in it, You can do it!