The Love That I Cant Stop Loving...........

i was 19...it was my first serious love........the first time i thought i want to make it forever..that i will marry....the first time i began to mentally prepare maself for the compromises that i will have to make with my life and my career to be with her forever,,,,coz c was a couple of years older than me n here in India girls marry early........
i started my life dreaming about love like a bollywood movie...where i wud meet ma princesss n be with her forever....wud do evrything for her and c will love only me all her life wid all her heart just like me....bt den a couple of incidents changed ma mindset temporarily...i started to act like a guy who never took things seriously......rather deliberately and intentionally but nt naturally coz i was hurt wen ma first luv left me for ma best friend in 1st year of colg a month after proposing....but at heart i was very romantic.....somewhere da hope was alive in me dat one day i will find someone special and i will love again....in da middle i turned a casanova to an extent...
i am fairly goodlooking and hv a charming personality....was good at studies too wid a bright future as an engineer awaiting...
so i gt into casual relations......had sexual intimacies.....n was good at wooing ladies.....bt sumhow didnt loose ma heart...coz i knew da women i was with were nt my type or rather dependable....
but then one day at a colg fest i met this girl...........papia sinharoy.......i called her ps or pp............
c told me i was her 1st love......somehow i found a lady in her dat matched all ma childhood dreams.....n dat censor i managed to subdue till date started ringing again ...i fell for her....
c lived 70 kilometres apart but distances never mattered to me if two hearts remained loyal to each other n had the yearning to minimize its negative effects with all their might.
after three months of courting v got committed.....i started making myself believe this it..the one i want to spend my life with...n c too wanted the same............bt i was young...loved truly with all my innocence..wrote poems for her with all their purity...made promises with all ma trust and believed her words like never before....my first serious love.
i stopped speaking with other girls..leave out wooing...thought it violated ma commitment..made her my everything....messaged her all day..accepted all her tantrums....and soon i found her taking me for granted!!!!
a shock...ma male ego set in...her tantrums increased...bt still i loved her with everything....by that time i had accepted her so much it became difficult to live without her...n tears started flowing after c would stop speaking for a week or more following even smallest fights....tried to explain her all the pain that i felt..all the things that went wrong and their solutions...bt logic took a backseat and i had to accept the blame everytime....
soon i began to realize enough is enough.....i cant change her......i started avoiding.....bt yet i loved her with my everything...had the belief that c will change...it took a heavy toll on ma studies 2...
and to an extent c did.....i was overjoyed.....loved her again much more than before......5-6 months and agian old traits started reappearing in her....by now it has been two years m with her bt small breakups were quite common between us..like on and off...
v never shared too intimate sexuality except soft kissing..coz c never allowed or felt comfortable...and i knew i had ma whole life with her or rather believed so..so i never forced..also i cudnt coz ma true love stopped me....
den one day i got really pissed off.....brk up temporarily for the 1st time myself..coz earlier all were done by her and i made her patch up...
so c left me......said c dint find the things c wanted in her lifepartner..........
i tried to resolve..c didnt listen......
but i still loved her............today it is nearly a year dat v r not together...........but still i dream about her..i know it was ma fault to keep on believing in her..to keep on pursuing that dream but i tried so hard..pushed maself to the limit ....that i cannot love anyone the same or even close again....nor do i feel like.....spent days n months sleeping cause staying awake reminded me of the one i loved truly....all the lies i believed were true..n yet miss her like hell..ma academic grades crashed...
i can pick up other girls bt dont find interest.........kept watching **** to arouse sexual interest so i need other girls but still it dint help....cudnt let go of the feling that c will never return...dat all her promises were false ..ma efforts were in vain.
that s what true love can do to you....................................but the story doesnt end here..it has a more severe ending which i will share in ma next post.
sauvik4mIndia sauvik4mIndia
22-25
1 Response May 12, 2012

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