I love my mistress, but I love my wife. Tired of the Weakness.

OK. Here is my story.
I am 44, married for 14 years and have 2 children, 12 and 8.
I recently ended my affair with my 29 year old mistress of 3 years.
Well, it was kind of me.......
We met at work when she was married for 11 months to a man who did not trust her and was verbally abusive.
I am married to a woman who is a great person and was, and remains, faithful.
She works overnight and I work 50 miles from home.
For years we were living like roommates. Sex occurred less than 6 times a year.
At first it was an issue, As time went on we became complacent and sex was just no longer a part of our marriage. We had it when it was appropriate but I never really desired it any longer.
I was my mistress's boss at work. She was always by my side and seemed to make it her mission to make my life easier.
She would never refuse anything I asked, stay late and was always cheerful to be around. We became good friends and spoke often.
After a while, the conversations became more personal and we revealed our unhappiness to one another.
As you may guess, we became intimate and fell in love. She left her husband 6 months later. I never asked her to and told her I was not ready to leave my family. I think she was halfway out the door already.
Fast Forward 2 1/2 years later............
I signed a lease to an apartment and told my wife I am leaving her.
She doesn't know why, and I just tell her I am unhappy.
She is now worried about me and thinks I am going through a midlife crisis.
Time comes to tell my daughter and I can't.
I am a father who has been hands on their whole life.
My wife is a nurse and works overnights so I spent many night feeding, diapering and loving my children.
I am in love with them.
I tell my mistress I can't tell my daughter and we break up.
a month later she call me and we have lunch, then fall back into bed.
For another 4 months.
She said she will give me more time.
We stopped talking again until she called me for my birthday.
We had lunch AGAIN and went to bed AGAIN.
This time something was different.....
We were great for a week, sleeping with each other constantly, professing love for one another by text, by email and phone calls.
Then one Saturday it stopped.
She was civil but it was different.
She told me she can't fall back in the same pattern and cannot give me 100% anymore. If she does and we break up she can't see us trying again.
I realize how hard it has been for her and I am now trying to do the right thing.
I believe she is seeing someone else and wants me around as a comfort zone.
For 2 weeks I called her with quick replies. I said I love you with the response " I don't feel good talking about those feelings with you anymore" only to be followed the next day with a string of I love you's.
One word answers to texts, followed by no contact at all during the weekend.
She is at a club every weekend.
I finally got the point.
I called her this Monday and told her I cannot stay with her and hold her hand while she gets over me.
I am letting her go.
She cries and tells me I don't believe you are leaving me. I will never find a man like you. Who will take care of you?I am sorry.
.....But never, don't go.
I know she is done and I know she is interested in someone else and ask her.
She tells me there is this friend who wants something more and she may give him a chance.
I am not stupid and I know she is probably already with him.
I realize that so many people are going to respond to this story and tell me what an *******, low life I am.
Truth is, I'm not really, I am lost.
I am not asking for validation here.
What I am asking for advice on how to let her go, stop pining for her and work on my marriage.
My wife has been loyal to me for 17 years. I know this so much that I don't even have to think about it anymore.
She is not a saint and has forgotten about me for years. She no longer wore makeup and started demanding things as soon as I walked in the door.
I wanted her to treat me like she did when we were dating.
Look pretty for me, put on makeup, watch your figure and take care of yourself. Show me I am your man.
I did.
She does now.
I see the effort she is making and I love her for it.
I just need to let this other girl go. (I did that already, just have to keep her gone)
Her birthday is the Sept 16 and I have a feeling she is OK being separated because I will call her then and we can have lunch again.
I don't want to call. I want to get her out of my mind. I want to fall back in love with my wife.
Please help.

loveitsimple loveitsimple
30 Responses Aug 6, 2010

what's the update on the situation?

Apparently your not in love with your wife if you are cheating on her this may not have mentioned to be I would move I would never live unhappy no sex in the marriage either.

If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you would trully love the first one, you wouldnt have fallen for the second one.

Then if he had fallen in love with another woman while being with his mistress he should choose the third one since if he truly loved the second one he wouldn't have fallen in love with the third one and so the cycle continues. Am i right?

What I feel you have to realise is that you have an addiction.
Whatever someone gets addicted to will drive them to think of the object of their senses.
There are books on love and sex addiction, it is not much different to alcohol or drug addiction.
The thing is, even if you left your wife for the mistress, the novelty of been with your mistress would eventually ware of, then you will be bored with her and seek someone else.
It is better to find happiness and contentment within yourself, thinking that something or someone outside yourself can give you that is an illusion.
Lets face it if anyone could find lasting happiness by running of with their mistress, there would be alot of happy, content people in this world.
Real contentment comes from carrying out your duty and by pleasing God.

This is not an addiction it sounds like he is,not in love with his wife and is suffering

Lol haha not being in love with your wife has nothing to do with God is,anything by force people get married for the wrong reason.Having a baby for a man does not mean he's in love with you he respects the women for having the baby that's why these men cheat they are not Happy

my friend,
I am a school teacher for the last 13 years. On day one, I met a deaf interpreter that was the most beautiful woman I had ever met, I still see her that way, I asked her out. She said yes, but I lacked the courage to continue with the date. A few weeks or month later she was back in another relationship. Over the years we have seen each other in the halls and at meetings, but nothing to write home about until this year. She informed me that she would be in my class for a few deaf Ed students that I would be having this year.
After 2 1/2 months of being cordial and simply sweet, I saw her looking defeated one day. She never really said why, but I continued to show care and concern. We had recently become Facebook friends. This was a Friday, the day of the sadness. I checked on her through fb on Saturday night. We ended up texting back and forth quite a bit that night, the texts were strange as she was drinking and out with the girls. We were entering an area that made me want her as much as I ever had. The next day while in church, I managed to text her to make sure she made it home alright. This was the start of an amazing affair for both of us. She confided that her husband of 11 years, had been verbally abusive and treated her like something he owned rather than a partner that he adored.
Fast forward through three months of amazing sex, afternoons of drinking and enjoying each other's company, fb texting, even making up alternate personalities so that we could text in front of our spouses. Well all of sudden this man that she has been saying takes her for granted, is on to her. He is checking up all the time and she got too nervous or stressed out. She ended us to go and be secure in a marriage that only has comfort. Meanwhile my marriage is very much like the one you describe, my wife and I are friends but not lovers anymore. I desire her as well as my interpreter mistress, but I know that my wife does not desire sex.
So here I am in the same place as you, pining over two women.

It will get better, it certainly can't get any worse.

You need to allow yourself to fall back in love with you wife. I think while there is someone else, at least when it's at it's peak, you don't want to love anyone else, to get really close to anyone else, I didn't. So you need to end it and get really really close to your wife and hope that she actually likes it, not sure mine is going to, who knows but theres something about these great women we marry that I wonder if we men ever feel we are worthy of them and affairs are a way of self sabotaging.

There's no way to fall back I'm love, with someone in prefer to be happy than to suffer this makes, no sense to each his own.

I am in the SAME boat now my friend.

you are supposed to seek Christ Jesus not a woman and yes you can rededicate yourself to your marriage and your beautiful wife.
God Hates adultery!
you need to get right with the Lord my friend.
blessings to you:)

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I see why she stopped trying to look nice for you and be with you sexually. The issue is with you. If a woman is loyal to you all you have to do is love her and be there for her emotionally. Your loss. You are just one of those men that chases young skirts and ends up alone.

First question is ...do you still have feelings for your wife and are you still attracted to her??? If the answer is no ! Then you need to give her a chance to move on without you! If it is yes..Then this other women,should have no effect on you simply that you lost someone that you couldn't hold onto anymore.The other women , think about it ..Its all clear to me , you and your wife grew distant because sometimes life gets busy and relationships gets stressed out. You may think you are in love with this other women, maybe because it was intense and maybe it was the way she looked at you or how much attention she gave you..... Your wife on the other hand has been faithful to you and you continued to stay with her even though you had a mistress.. So what i am saying ,try to remember when you first fell in love with your wife ..Ask yourself what it was that you were so attracted to in her..Hold onto that and work at bringing that back with her..Life is to short to be acting on raw emotion... As for letting the mistress go , you will be doing yourself a favor ...Learn from this...

Thanks for sharing. Very much in same dilemma and it sucks. We were together 3 years. She got divorced 1.5 years in. Thereafter we broke up and got back together on and off. She finally ended the cycle. I told her I wanted to be with her but hadn't figured out an exit strategy. She understandably was and is frustrated having put her dating life on hold for me. Many tears or angry words over time. Hard not to make that rash decision - right or wrong - I don't know. Get a divorce and be with her when my wife is loyal but our relationship suffers same issues. At this point seems my outside love has decided it for me by ending it and I have to believe that was for the best or otherwise I don't know what i would do.

I would leave it not happiness at all

Trust me there will be another women if, your not happy all marriages doesn't have anything to do with God.

Are you interested in telling your story on camera for a new documentary? A lot of people would love to hear your point of view! I'd love to discuss the opportunity further. Please email me at workitcasting@gmail.com

I'm interesed in talking with you . I am DON in Dallas, Georgia

Great! Please private message me with your contact info so we can discuss the details further.

I think you need to be alone...for a while....put yr feelings in perspective...I get the feeling you love your wife...but not necessarily in love with her...and think this is a comfortable place for you...love should be more than just being comfortable. ..

You're delusional. You want her to act like she did when you were dating? 17 years ago? Cuz you're the same people as you were then right? & you treat her like you did when you were dating right? ******* double standard hypocritical bullshit.

You are delusional in the sense that you are not helping this person, but are on a high horse to stone the guy, Either provide support for him to fix his family issues or stfu.... The world is full of mockers like yourself, that give nothing.

I was married 20 years. Ended suddenly. Now in love with MM…he was catalyst for implosion of my marriage which I had already set in my mind will not endure another 20 years of this silent misery. So as I unravel and ravel into another set of circumstances the one thing I can say to ALL of those trying to FIX a marriage or long term quasi happy relationship is that YOU ARE LIKELY A CO_DEPENDENT and do not want to be alone. Trust your heart. Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the amount of moments that take your breath away

I, unfortunately, am in almost the exact same position. All I can tell you is, you'll never stay gone, unless you stay gone. The problem isn't that you love her, it's that you can't stand the idea of anyone else loving her instead. You think you can do it better because you have. You've loved someone better for 17 years and dammit what you have to offer is worth so much more than your wife is able to appreciate. I'm projecting me onto you, but here's what I think. All the love and affection you've shown this other woman, the excitement. It's a redirection of the love you have for your wife and family. You've given a part of yourself to her. Everything you did to show her she was important to you. At first, you'll feel like that part is dying. And it is. But as it does, you'll be able to redirect more and more of it where it was supposed to go in the first place. And some day, you'll look back, and think... "Damn that was close." At least I hope that's how it works... When it comes down to it, that woman hates your family, and that should **** you off. Wish us luck.

I needed this response. Thanks for laying it out there like this.

It is certain that you have hurt your marriage, already. If you don't want intimacy with your wife get a divorce with Joint custody of children. This is the only answer. Affairs like yours will destroy both of you


I have been a mistress for 5 years! We met at work i was at a rocky marriage at the time and his wife worked weekends and late nights. We hit it off , we were very intimate and emotionally attached. After the fist year i wanted to brake things off because i new he was married and i did not want to make things harder. Oh did i mention i divorced my husband 5 months into my relationship with married man. He chased me and would not give up, he even had his mother call me begging me. From that moment he did promise everyday he would leave his wife. He has two girls one at the time was 11 the other 16. And he was their right hand. He cooked ,cleaned he lived for his house and kids while his wife worked. I cant even explain how hurt i am 5 years later of waiting and waiting. Mind you i only waited because he swore ,promised i was the love of hes life, he went krazy everytime i would leave him because i just had it! Did i mention i got pregnant and went behind his back and had an abortion. Anyways i am a changed woman, im always depressed alone and waiting on my best friend the love of my life. At this point i dont think he ever loved me because he never made the steps to be with me but at the same time he would not let me go. He even tried killing himself! yeah krazyyy!. I miss him like hell but my advice wont matter its too late. Your mistress probably has hurt sooooo much. I am sure if you leave ur wife she will be back in your arms but you waited to long now shes hurt so she wont go back unless you show her change. Good luck in your marriage. My married lover i am sure will reconciliate with his wife and move on. As for me i dont think i ever will be the same.

Falling in love with a married man is sooo painful....and not typically the twisted and mindless people that fall into these types of relationships. ...they are sad...painful...and come with more than its share of disappointments...on all involved

I understand being hurt

Sorry. I am the guy on the other side. Having told my outside love she was love of my life. I meant and do mean it but also confused. Because I wouldn't promise her id get a divorce she took that to mean I was stringing her along. I wasn't intending. I don't know. So confused.

My husband had a mistress for 5 months. Anyone that would sleep with a married man in my eyes is a low life. Relationships that start as an affair have 3% survival rate. You are in denial if you think after 5 years he is still going to pick you! I think you got what you deserve.

1 More Response

Hi, 2 years later and I thought I would update some people.
I am so surprised not only from the responses, but by the private messages I received.
Too many of us out there.
I look at my parents 47 year marriage and my grandparents 63 (yes 63!) year marriage and wonder how the hell they did it.
In any case, I stopped contacting her and moved on for 2 years.
This December, she contacted me and wanted to have lunch.
I met her (I know, I know) and we caught up.
She got married in July and told me she is unhappy.
She wants to hang out with me once in awhile and who knows?
If you wait long enough for an epiphany, sometimes it will kick you in the *** like a sledgehammer.
I was going to leave my wife and family for a girl who after 5 months of her 2nd marriage, is looking outside.
I did love my wife and respected marriage which is why I felt guilt and was torn.
I went to therapy with my wife for 6 months and speak with her now like I haven't in years.
I am a little bored sometimes and that happens.
But I would rather be bored with a woman I love than to be insecure and worried with a partner whom I honestly cannot trust.
Marriage is work. Plain and simple.
If you want it to work, then you have to work at it.
If it is not there, it's not there, I get it. But, how can it be there if your attention and mind are somewhere else.
My Dad helped me a lot.
He said, if you leave your wife, I will stand behind you because you are my son BUT, ask yourself 1 question:
Have you done everything you can to make the marriage better?
Be honest with yourself.
Have you done everything? Truly everything?
If yes, than you can walk away with a clean conscience.
If not, than you are doomed to repeat this scenario over and over.
Good luck to you all.
I will check back from time to time.


Nice...sounds like time...and work ju ng in yrsrlf everyday...and working on yr marriage is helping...and yr right...marriage requires same courtship as dating...else you become complacent

Well, what your father told you almost made me cry. On the same situation right now and I understand each one of those words, yours as well as your fathers.
This is pain for everyone and not easy

How are things with your wife now? This has been a very helpful (and quite revealing) thread for me and my situation. Thank you for sharing. -GRH

just let her go, give her a chance to have a life with someone else. do not call her, do not answer her calls. it is though but if you ever truly loved her you would give her that chance. Set her free. Thank her in your heart for the love you shared and close the chapter. start counselling with your wife, work out the issues that you obviously have, never tell your wife about your affair but be honest about your unhappiness. in the difficult moments just think of your kids... you need to give your marriage another chance. You owe it to your kids. And most of all forgive yourself. If you are a Christian go speak to a priest you will not be judged but you will receive honest advice and you will feel better and ready to give it another go. Set her free. I was a mistress. He got found out. he was divorced by his wife. We now have three lovely kids of our own. His relationship with his kids from first marriage is ruined. they all went through incredible pain and this has ruined our relationship.Our relationship never feels clean. i love my kids but i wish he had let me go when it was time. give your marriage a chance. Be grateful for the love she gave you and give her a chance to have a happy life. Stay strong.

Kwelchick09 , Yes I heard from him 2 wks later started texting and e-mail, of how much he miss me, love me, adores me, but we didn't met again, he stop emailing and texting the weekend I spent at hospital (that's when I realized he never cared) then I emailed him and his reply was to brake up bcause the guilt he feel is too much and can't have peace, and said is not fair for his wife, and that I deserve better (typical BS) we met and ended it face to face, we both cried and end up was ok, kept texting and he continued telling me he love me very much etc... Then on the wkend I went out with a friend and I was so broken since I had not shared what happen with anybody, so I told her my story and she got very upset and e-mailed him and him once and his reply "thinking it was me who e-mailed him" was very mean, and then my friend texted him behind my back and that infuriated him that the following morning he was so Paranoid Mad with me for having shared his info. And name with my friend... And that was it we ended all contact then... It hurt but I was glad to see other side of him.. The real him! Thanks for asking and sorry for this LOOONG response

HI LoveIsSimple,<br />
<br />
Your story hits a soft spot with me. I have had similar, but without as many complications. And I am sorry to say, I see so many of these stories online, and I hate some of the harsh replies. Let me just say, it does NOT help anyone to get a snappy 2-line reply calling the "cheater/betrayer" an a**hole, or accuse them of being scum or anything else. Truth is, these situations are never easy, they are usually very complicated, and a 16/18 year old sat in their bedroom venting at someone with far more life experience is just rude.<br />
<br />
2-3 years ago, I would never have thought I would be in a similar situation to you, LoveIsSimple. But here I am. How did I end up here? Is it my fault? No, its a combination of things. The way my wife has treated me has pushed me into a relationship with another woman. But is it my wife's fault? No, and I refuse to lay the blame at her feet. We had issues. We didn't address them properly. I won't go into it all too much, as my story is already on here ( <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-A-Broken-Heart/2288945" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a> ).<br />
<br />
I feel I have lost my "mistress" because she loves me so much, she wants to stay away from me until I am 100% hers. I don't know if that will happen, or if it will, I don't know when. I care so much for my wife, but, she is not the same woman I married. She changed, and for the worse. I have tried and tried over the years to help her, and to get her back to who she was - the incredible woman I married. But it has not worked, and I know feel/know that my wife no longer cares how she hurts and disappoints me. Should I divorce her? Maybe, but it is a massive step, and I always think, is there SOMETHING else I can do or try to get my wife back to who she was. <br />
<br />
But while I am wasting my days and months trying to fix a marriage that she doesn't seem to value, I had my affair, because, who is looking out for MY needs and wants? I am not getting younger. Everyone's days are numbered. Why should I go day to day miserable? I don't deserve that! I was happiest when I was with my "Mistress", and she was happiest when she was with me. But I have lost her now. And, I desperately want her back.<br />
<br />
Anyway, point is, its not right for people to judge and sling insults at people without the full picture. Secondly, these stories are usually far more complex than some love-rat going out for fun with another woman without caring. Thirdly, women do it too. I have seen far to many blogs and chats and forums where it is a blame-arena for women to tear down (usually) men who are opening their souls and seeking help. <br />
<br />
Just shooting those people down with "pig" "scum" etc, and just saying the obvious simple solution - divorce. It is never really that easy.... I have first hand experience of that. I can say, even without kids on the scene, its a difficult one.<br />
<br />
It is hard to take that step. Divorce is a massive undertaking. And you really really need to be sure that youre not stepping off a cliff with no bridge there. What if you're new woman changes her mind in a month? A year? What if, once you're off the scene, your ex-wife really picks up her game and returns to a point where you really want her again? There are so many considerations. <br />
<br />
For me, I am in limbo. I don't want to hang around my wife, because I feel my life is being drained away day by day. My "Mistress" is everything I wanted in a relationship. But will that change too? Will she turn out like my wife did? Will I get a divorce and end up in the same situation? Will the wild and exciting times just change again? Will I always be looking for it, finding it, and losing it? Its a horrible situation, and it really makes you look at how precious life is and how short!<br />
<br />
So, my friend, i feel your pain. Ignore these inexperienced half-wits who just blurt out the Jerry Springer rubbish about "Just get a divorce - you're hurting everyone!" - where is the consideration for what YOU want?<br />
<br />
Anyway, thats my view, and read my story on that link - it might make you feel better. Youre not alone my friend...<br />
<br />

Choose the list of CONS you can live with, people don't truly change, so you'll be happier and so will your partner if the list of CONS is acceptable. we've been 11 years and i can totally live another 50 years with the list of CONS my wife has... which is overshadowed by far by the list of PROS!!!
think about it this way, no one is perfect, you just have to be happy and love the "perfect imperfections"... even find them cute... that's what love is all about, ain't it?

I'm so glad I found this site, I know affairs are not good, sinful if Christian, but I did it anyways, met this wonderful man 16yrs older than me, we both knew we were married and we weren't looking to change our situations at home, we fell in love, at least I did, saw eachother whenever we could but did text and e-mail every single day, last Fri he asked me for time, he said he feels guilty , and that he loves me but can't shake that guilt off... So Im giving him time now, but I feel terrIbly hurt, I want to text him, I want him back, deep inside of me I know he won't come back with me. I just want to hear from you all how to deal with all this feelings, I know affairs are dangerous as I read above some of the experiences, I don't know what's going on with me, this hurts more than when husband cheated on me.... Much more!! Please Help. Cindy Shade

CKShade, have you heard back from him?

I am going through the exact same situation now. Married for 12 years with my wife that I have been dating for the past 18 years. We have a young daughter.<br />
<br />
I have had 3 affairs in the past 7 years and this last one with my gorgeous mistress was just unbelievable. It has been going on for 3.5 years, she is an amazing woman, I am completely in love/lust for her, so was she (until recently) but I was confused about my wife. My previous affairs had taught me that it is hard to let go of your wife.<br />
<br />
My wife had found out about my previous affair and I tried very hard to patch things up. It hurt her tremendously but she slowly got over it. During that time I was falling in love with my current mistress.<br />
<br />
I moved out in 2009 and told my wife I wanted to separate. It didn't work as planned. One night my wife found out texts from my mistress and I found myself lying again about my affair instead of being straight forward. My best guess about my behavior was that I was not ready to end things with my wife.<br />
<br />
A year later I moved back in with my wife and left her pregnant by accident. That was a big blow to my mistress. She never recovered from it. I felt very guilty but had to stay with my wife to help her out with the pregnancy and first year of the baby. Add financial issues, work problems, I had to stick around. My wife has been loyal for 17 years (she cheated once and broke my heart when we were dating for 1 year). Although I never really forgave for breaking my heart 17 years ago I had to stick around for her like she did for me.<br />
<br />
In December, after many fights, my wife and I both decided to divorce. My mistress had other plans. She met someone new and started dating him. I didn't know it in the beginning but I sensed it. One day I ran into her and saw her going to his place. It destroyed me, especially now that I had decided to leave my wife. That is Murphy's Law and irony combined. I took too long!<br />
<br />
She finally admitted that she was falling for the new guy. I decided to let her go completely and move on. It has been extremely difficult to do so but I'm sticking with it. Although I thought of crazy things I decided that the best course was to let her go completely, and I mean completely, no contact whatsoever, forever, or at least for a few years until all feelings are gone.<br />
<br />
Now my wife and I have decided to try to see if there is still something there for us. We have the divorce papers ready to go and we are both ready to move on. But we will give it another few weeks/months to see if we can do this marriage thing.<br />
<br />
My advise to all: Affairs are terrible. Yes, they are exciting and all those good things but the emotional havoc they cause is just too much to handle. Affairs are also dangerous as we saw at the unfortunate lady's story. - I feel very sorry about what happened to you. You didn't deserve that. I hope you get your normal life and beauty again soon. I really do and I will pray for you.<br />
<br />
I will personally NEVER have another affair. Whether I stay with my wife or not, affairs are just bad. There is nothing better than honesty and truthfulness. If I could have done this all over again, I would have a) either left my wife before beginning seeing any other girls - just when I sensed that I was looking for something new, b) stuck with my wife, talked to her and had tried to fix things back then.<br />
<br />
DO NOT contact your ex-mistress again. You must stay the course and figure out if you can be with your wife or not. If you decide to leave your wife do it for yourself and nobody else. This way you will not have any guilt and it will be 100% your decision.<br />
<br />
Trust me on this one: Your mistress IS NOT the first neither the last amazing woman you will meet in your life. Maybe it feels like this now but in reality you know love is around every corner.<br />
<br />
Stay the course my friend. Do what you have to do with honesty, and be real to yourself and your family. You all deserve that.

And you can fall back in love with the woman you married. Remember? You chose to marry her, you asked her...you must have loved her. TELL HER TODAY THAT YOU WANT TO FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH HER. When my husband cheated on me with a relative and even had two children, i thought my life was over. But I stayed and chose to see God in all that. Believe it or not we are still together now for two years since I discovered. I wont lie , its been hard lots of tears but I held on to my own.<br />
<br />
Remember you are breaking your wife's heart ...leave your mistress alone, let her find her own life. I dont know if you are a christian or not, but we are all answerable to our creator, whether we like it or not. So search deep inside and you will find answers to WHY you are torturing these two women.<br />
Make a choice like you would between a lemon and milk for your tea. You are wise enough not to put both I hope. The two relationships together are very toxic to YOU.

I am going thru the same thing. I have been married for 26 years...she is wonderful, faithful. We just don't have the spark. I love her...but am not in love with her. I have been in a affair for just over a year. We fell in love. We have much in common. She is a amazing woman. She wants me to leave my wife...time and time again. She is getting impatient caus Im undecided on what to do. I rally want to fall back in love with my wife, but am having a hard time to...forgetting the mistress. I told my wife 2 months ago about my unfaithfulness. I really hurt her. I hate it. She see's that I am still in love with the mistress and it is causing so much stress. This is so bad...not fun. I hate myself for all that I've done and for not being strong enough to make a decesion. I am hurting both of them. I am so stressed. I just want to be able to fall back in love with my wife. I want this to end.

i am in this same situation. wife and i separated btw and i moved on with another woman wwho I got pregnant. but never really stopped caring for my wife.now she is in school and really needs me for support and I just cant decide if to be with her or stay with my pregnant g/f. my wife wanted a divorce but has promised she has changed and I feel horrible I cant be there for pregnant g/f. I am with none of them and we are in counseling to see if the marriage can work but i cant get g/f off my mind.love her and worry bout her too cuz of pregnancy.
I do love my wife but felt like my gf really opened my eyes to a better world and I really like her femininity which wife lacked.

So what did u end up doing.

Thanks, this is what I needed to hear to feel good about breaking it off with my secret boyfriend. I am sorry about what happened to you. Hopefully you will find peace within yourself. Sometimes, affairs do come with the irrational and dangerous behavior and I noticed this in my ex as well. He lived for that thrill and loved that danger. He was addicted, but in the end, it had nothing to do with me. I chose to get help or help myself and get better and know that he and I can not be in contact as it just can't be a healthy thing and it can't be non-toxic. Affairs suck. Never again. I'd rather be alone! I'd really rather not know love or whatever it is! Ladies, protect yourselves, don't give your all to a man that can't give you what you need. Guys, please grow some b*lls and either leave the wife or stop harassing and bothering lonely women who are worth having love too!

Thanks, this is what I needed to hear to feel good about breaking it off with my secret boyfriend. I am sorry about what happened to you. Hopefully you will find peace within yourself. Sometimes, affairs do come with the irrational and dangerous behavior and I noticed this in my ex as well. He lived for that thrill and loved that danger. He was addicted, but in the end, it had nothing to do with me. I chose to get help or help myself and get better and know that he and I can not be in contact as it just can't be a healthy thing and it can't be non-toxic. Affairs suck. Never again. I'd rather be alone! I'd really rather not know love or whatever it is! Ladies, protect yourselves, don't give your all to a man that can't give you what you need. Guys, please grow some b*lls and either leave the wife or stop harassing and bothering lonely women who are worth having love too!

Let me give you another perspective to think about in these situations<br />
and that simply is, if the consqeuences of a toxic relationship like this<br />
cost another to suffer a castrophic injury or even worse, lose their life, <br />
could you live with that? Is there enough lust, passion and overwhelming <br />
desire that causes you unable to live without that person, to make it worth? <br />
Well, that's exactly what happen in the case of my triangle. If you really <br />
think you love both your mistress and your wife, I ask you read my entire <br />
story. From the age twenty-nine and up until about a month before my <br />
forty-first birthday, I was the mistress to a married man who was thirteen <br />
years older then me. For the first seven years we lived in a whirlwind of <br />
desire. I was the sucessful nurse with a high powered career, a rock <br />
hard body, that I kept fit with daily workout sessions. I turned heads every <br />
where we went. He ate it up, drove him wild!! He would return home to the <br />
frumpy, overweight housewife, spending all his time on the computer trying <br />
to figure out if I was home. I suppose we both got some kind of high from <br />
it. After all, when his son turned eighteen, he was leaving the wife <br />
and we were going to be together forever..lol, OK!! Then came that fateful <br />
Sunday when the wife discovered the affai. The next four years was spent <br />
descending into only what I can call hell on earth. He couldn't leave the<br />
suicidal wife, but yet he couldn't let me go, I couldn't let him go. It was<br />
the toxic mix that was bound to explode. Then on Jan 11, 2009 @ 253 pm all of <br />
our relationship problems were solved and a brand new bunch of life <br />
changing ones began. After a nearly two hour fight with "my lover", I <br />
jumped in the car and took off. He immediatley jumped in his vehicle, and<br />
a chase ensued. Within three minutes of turning over the key to start the <br />
engine of that brand new Ford Mustang, I lost control, flipping it three <br />
times, and even though I had on a seat belt, my head managed to partially <br />
eject through the driver's side window. My face was severely damaged and <br />
four reconstructive surgeries later--we've only just begun. BUT, that <br />
was not the most castrophic event of that day. I broken my back in three <br />
places, including a break in the cervical spine at the C 5/6 level. After<br />
spending six months in an intensive care unit and spinal cord injury rehab<br />
hospital, now I spend my days in the most unbelivable pain, as I try to <br />
teach my body, which is over 50% paralyzed from the chest down, to work <br />
again. There is no cure for spinal cord injury or the horrible neuropathic<br />
pain the damaged nerves radiate through out your body. I lost my nursing <br />
career, my independence, my looks--my life. Now "my lover" spends <br />
his days calling me and my family crying, begging for forgivness. He's <br />
suffers from extreme depression related to unresolvable guilt. His wife<br />
has even pleaded with me to forgive him so they can resume some kind normal<br />
life. What she don't understand is, not only did my life end in that <br />
accident, so didn't theirs, at least life as we each knew it. Yes, I know<br />
there are many out there who will say--"You hoe, you got what you <br />
deserved". Don't think I don't daily remind myelf of that. I know too, <br />
my situation is the extereme, but don't ever think the emotions attached to<br />
an affair can't be so overwhelming it consumes ALL. It changes your <br />
psychological makeup and interfers with your rational thought processes.<br />
Seemingly normal, educated individualslo se all control, and at least<br />
in this circumstance, everyone's entire life is ruined, forever!! The wife, <br />
the man and me, as the mistress--none of us can figure out how to change <br />
the unchangable. Sad thing, no one came out of this thing happier, no one<br />
is a winner.