I can never understand why I do ( or don't do) certain things. I always say I'm a ****** up person, but then I think I'm not that ****** up. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I always feel like people are judging me all the time, no matter what I do. I act differently around different people because I don't want them thinking I'm weird or a freak or something. With my 2 best friends (now ex-best friends), I could do and say anything without caring what they thought because I was that comfortable around them. They loved me no matter what and I knew I could be myself. I could always talk to them about anything, which was so relieving. Then theres other people that I can't act the same way I did with my ex best friends, like my ex-girlfriend/friend/whatever we are. She's so outgoing when we're hanging out. She can talk about whatever, whether its about a movie, her family, or past guy problems. I just can't bring myself to do that because if I do, I feel like she's going to think I'm weird or too whiny and emotional and she won't want to talk to me again. I know that's stupid but I just have that fear.

Then there's Kade, my ex boyfriend. We first dated back in October of 2011. After about 2 months of dating, he cheated on me with his ex. I told him I forgave him for it, and we continued dating. Then he broke up with me in February to date Taylor, now my ex girlfriend. He dated her for awhile, cheated on her with me, broke up with her and got back with me for awhile then dumped me and got back with her. The same thing happened the rest of my sophomore year. During the summer, I didn't really see him. We hung out a few times, and I learned he saw Taylor a few times that summer as well. School started again and I think he was back with her. He kept going back and fourth between me and her the past 2 years basically. He moved to California the end of last year and when him and Taylor would fight, he would come to me. He did this at least 6 times this year. He would talk to me for awhile, say he wanted me to move to Cali to be with him, telling me he wanted to be happy with me and that he was sorry for ******* up. I forgave him each time he came crawling back to me and I don't know why. He's hurt me so much, yet I always let him come back. I can never be a ***** to him, can never tell him to **** off and I know if it was any other person, it would have ended when they cheated on me. But with Kade, I just couldn't and I can't figure out why.

I don't know why I do things, why I don't do things. I always doubt myself, think bad about myself. I just want to understand myself. Maybe then life will become easier.
beautifulgoodbye beautifulgoodbye
18-21, F
Aug 26, 2014