Heartbreak

I did not believe in myself then. I had an abusive father who hurt my feelings badly. Never cared about our emotions. As a teenager, I struggled to make friends. I believed natural affection was unnatural and transient. Things always ended in anger and abuse.

But at the same time, my parents were just beginning to be financially successful and they decided to put me in a rich private school without changing their lifestyle.

It was torture for me not understanding the lifestyles of my peers. I always felt left out. Then one day a new girl came to the class. She liked to joke with me. We always talked about our feelings.

Then she said she liked a guy. I said I would help her. We used to discuss him. She became his girlfriend. I thought I did not care in the beginning but when she started to go out with him, jealousy simmered inside me. I had thought I did not like the way her teeth stuck out when she laughed. After some time, I began to love that. It is funny even now how her imperfections made me love her even more.

After dating that guy for some time, she started to say she did not like him that much. She liked me. 

I froze. I felt inferior.

Her rich ways were not my ways. I started to turn her away. I remember distinctly one day she came secretly towards me and said "We will be so good together". I had always been hated by people. I was afraid of being found out and hated once again. I said "No. You have a boyfriend." As she walked away, I could feel my life walking away from me. The scene still sears my heart.

It was the last year of high school and we were all going away. She was planning to go to South America to be with her family, her boyfriend was going to another college and as for me, I had no plans. I came to know that they got very close during the last months. I stubbornly pretended not to care. But as soon as her boyfriend left for college, he dumped her. I had a premonition of that. I chose not to act.

I tried to contact her. But she was too hurt. She did not acknowledge any of her feelings towards me. It seems she had really gotten into her boyfriend as a result of my indifference. I was shattered. She left for South America.

She came back the next year from South America but we pretended to not care about each other. We did not even meet. But both of were burning. She went back again and did not return for a number of years. I heard she had a lot of guys there. This is someone who cherished loyalty - she had said it was the greatest thing a person could have.

My heart remains broken. It has been twelve years but I still miss her every day. Once I tried to approach her when she came back, but she kept denying our affection. She had a new man in her life. I know there was a time when she writhed in pain when I did not talk to her. But that seemed to be long over. I heard she is now friends again with the guy who dumped her. I am left alone.

I miss making her laugh. I know I am guilty of not going after love. The most valued of treasures. So much time has passed. Yet the like cobwebs, the memories remain. I live with remorse everyday. I have not liked another girl since. It all seems so artificial. Oh the river of life flows mercilessly on and on. I want to grab the water that has flowed and make it flow again. But life does not care.

I am supposed to build a career. But she was my passion and she is gone. My passion has left me. The fight has gone out of me. There is just this vast emptiness. I would like to know true happiness again. But it is always a fleeting dream. When I laugh I feel I mock myself.

samsad samsad
26-30, M
Feb 16, 2010