Why Did She Never Care?

Growing up in a family of 5 siblings was tough. It had its ups and downs. My father was a construction worker, an alcoholic and a Vietnam Veteran. My mother was an on and off, stay at home mom and waitress, working to become a licensed CNA.

I will never forget the night that my life took an unexpected turn. I was being sexually molested by my oldest brother at just 11 years old. I remember not knowing if this was okay. I remember not being able to tell anyone, for I thought I would be in trouble. I kept my secret to myself.
My grades started to drastically drop. I didnt care about school or being social. I didn't care about the "rules" anymore. I was spiraling down into a deep depression at only 11. The one person who I thought I could trust was taking advantage of me. I didn't know what was right and wrong anymore. I was confused and manipulated by my own brother. The abuse went on until I was 15. I was still hurt and confused, like my mind was stuck at the age of 11. I was brainwashed. I still, was careless about school and friends and even family. I was rebelling out because I was keeping a deep, dark, secret that could ruin peoples life forever and how could I tell someone?

One day, when I was just about to hit my 16th birthday, I had gotten so angry and my emotions started to build up more and more. The hurt was building up inside, urning to be able to talk...talk to someone...anyone. I needed someone to listen to me for once. I came out and said it, in a moment of rage. I was sobbing and scared, that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.
I remember my mother asking me what I meant. She had thought it was my dad. I told her no, no it was not. I couldn't say his name. I was scared. Petrified actually. How do I tell my mom that is was my brother? I had too. I had to let her know what had happened and that I needed help. She cried. She blamed me. She blamed me for it all. It was my fault, all of it. Then all of a sudden it changed. She said I had lied. She told me I  "had always wanted to be an only child" So I had just made it up for attention.

My brother was confronted months after...He confessed never "thinking I would ever tell". That was it. Nothing was done. I was hurt. I was angry that my own mother did not consider what I had might been going through. She never asked me to talk about it. She didn't ask me if needed help, If I was okay, or if i just needed to be hugged. She went on, as if nothing had ever been said.

I am now 22 years old. I have been to therapy but discontinued my sessions because I am still so embarrassed. I am sad. I am lonely. I need to speak to someone. I need someone to hear my cries, someone who will treat me like a human being, not a patient or a liar. My mother treats me like I am some kind of outcast. She doesn't understand that I am mentally broken and mentally scarred.
I am mad at her. I am so angry that she didn't believe me. Angry that she didn't ask me to talk. I am angry that, to this day, she acts as if nothing ever happened. Angry that she told everyone that I had made up such a sick story. I resent her, I resent her for not knowing something was wrong. I resent her for not being there for me after the fact. I resent her for not being the mother that I had and still do, need.
I'm not sure if I will ever be normal. I am not sure about a lot anymore.

One thing I do know...It feels pretty darn good to be typing this.
LE50 LE50
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 4, 2011

if you ever need to just talk i ll always listen xx

What you need to know is that what happened to you was not your fault, that there is NOTHING you could have done differently to produce a different outcome. It's simple, you could not depend on your mother for protection then and you cannot look to her for a "real" family connection now. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. Some folks get sick with cancer, some are sick in the head, and your mother and father were and are sick in the head. <br />
You are right to resent her, you are right to be angry with her, and you owe her nothing. I'd encourage you to resume counseling. Would you be embarrassed if your mother had diabetes rather than a sickness in the head? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You admit to being embarrassed. Tell me exactly what you could have possibly done to change the situation? Nothing. It is your mother and father who OUGHT to be embarrassed, of course. Their sickness need not mean that you cannot get well.

Ask your mother to read this post. Gauge her reaction afterwards. If she does not reach out to you, then she is as sick as her son (your brother), in which case you should move on with your life without them in it. If she is remorseful, then tell her what you want/need from her. Remember that you have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be sorry for. It is your brother and your mother who must seek your forgiveness if they are to have any kind of relationship with you.