I am not one to blog, nor even write a story. I can write and experience and in my own words I am sure you would realize the pain,hurt, happiness, and joy that I experience or have in my life. Lets begin with my mom....there's a lot i can say or a lot I can't, some memories I have so hidden, i don't remember or even want to. My mom and dad divorced when I was 5. My sister was a yr old. It was that bad. My mom beat up my dad a lot, scratched his face in front of me, said bad words. My mom was hurting from something, I don't know. She held it against my dad. Thats the only thing I can really say about her. My father had custody of both of us girls after that and that wasn't too popular in the 70s. I don't forgive her for a lot of things. She not only beat up my dad, she beat me. I can't believe a mother can do those horrible things. They say child abuse is a chain, I don't believe it. i dont or cant even imagine saying or doing the things she did. No way!! I love my kids. But i was afraid to be a mom at first, I would see magazines or in the news about child abuse and neglect and that children who grew up n that environment would be abusive to children of their own. I was afraid,very afraid, I don't want to hurt them! I hated her for giving me that awful "gift". Its not a gift but that was all she left me with.I hated her and I cant forgive her for giving me those memories. when i had my son at 17, I was afraid, he would cry and I needed to live with my grandmother and my aunt so in case I couldnt handle being a young mom, they were there to help. That's how afraid I was. I love my son and I don't want that ugly life for him. I did promise myself no more kids. He is my life, my heart, my soul and I couldn't bear having another child. I wasn't doing too bad with him but what if I couldn't handle another one? My mom was terrible and I had that fear in my heart still. So, he was my only child for 17 years. My sister though had grew up and has a happy marriage with 3 lovely girls. Maybe because she was too little to remember. Thank God! Who wants to live with the memories I did? Well, 17 yrs later I was blessed with a little girl. This time, I wasn't afraid. this time, I was so happy to have a little girl. when I first held her, I had tears. My son was in the room, and as he cut his sisters cord,I had tears and I thought to myself this is motherhood, this is love. This is what my mother gave me, the ability to realize what not to do as a mother. I have the ability to wipe tears, kiss booboos, listen when my kids have their 1st broken heart, teach them to say their prayers at night, to laugh at cartoons, to roll my eyes cuz we are watching Dora the Explorer for the 90th time. I can think her for that. But, what Ican't forgive my mom for is she didn't teach me what to do as a mom. She didn't teach me how to love or be loved. I learned that from my dad.