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"On Top Of Every Thing Else........."

            my mother slept with the guys I dated behind my back.......I find that abhorrently disgusting. So, what if it was after I dated some of them? It is still wrong and she has always embarrassed me, but after learning this, I wouldn't pick her up out of a ditch, if she were laying face down in the water. I have been done with her for four years now, but I didn't learn of this until three years ago. I think she is a nasty *****, who has no ethics or morals. Forgiveness??  Not in this lifetime.........
TwilightDream TwilightDream 36-40, F 7 Responses Dec 2, 2011

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I feel your pain. My mother was in another class, which I would not dare use the words to describe her, but mirrors would crack and babies would cry at her presence. Sometimes it is the daughters who end up parenting the parents. Some things cannot be forgotten.

I agree, some women should not have children...I don't have ant communication with her, I cut off all communication four years ago......and I have beem happier for it.....

I do get tired of being told that I must forgive and forget, and of being banged over the head with the equally odious Bible phrase, "Honor thy mother and thy father." I think that most people who have had the good fortune to have decent parents just don't have a clue about how lucky they were.

You just hit the nail on the head,....most of those don't understand that we weren't given decent parents, we were given abusers and pedophiles..........Thank you for telling it like it is...... =)

Oh, you are surely welcome, but I really don't know any other way to tell it.

Kim, <br />
There are a lot of well meaning people who think we have to forgive before we can recover and move on, but I disagree. I think we have to come to a place of acceptance of the situation for what it is and that that is more important than 'forgiving'. <br />
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I really appreciate everything about this post... the comments, the understanding everyone is sharing... <br />
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I've been having problems coping with a 'well-meaning' friend who keeps telling me I have to find a way to 'love' the people who've abused me, without having interaction with them and I strongly disagree!! I don't think anyone should have to 'love' or even feel anything for someone who's abused and hurt you... just because it's a parent doesn't mean they can abuse us with impunity. <br />
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Again, thank you so much for sharing this and thanks to the other folks who've responded because the reassurance that others feel the same way is quite comforting.

Thank you as well, I appreciate that someone understands that forgiveness is not going to make the victims feel any better, it would just let the offender off the hook for what they knowingly done was wrong.....NOT ONCE have they admitted guilt or asked to be forgiven so I probably will never be able o do so..........

TD, <br />
I just read something that immediately came to mind when I read your post.<br />
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“…I counsel you to pardon only someone who is accountable for her behavior, when she has owned up to it, has become conscious of it, and is truly sorry for having done it.” (Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Karyl McBride, Ph.g. who was addressing forgiveness.)<br />
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My own mother was extremely jealous of me and any accomplishments I had. Everything was a competition with her, how many friends we had, our weight, our talents, etc. She has not only never owned up to the physical, verbal and emotional abuse, but she's practiced revisionist history, telling other people that I was abusive, that I was jealous of her, etc. <br />
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26 years ago was the last time I had any communication with her. I don't hate her, I'm past that now... I went through all kinds of anger, feelings of abandonment, grief... but once I got through all that I really began to see her as a sympathetic character... someone who's destroyed her own life. I'm honestly 'indifferent' toward her at this point. I don't know where she is, I don't know what her health is like and I will likely not know when she dies... that's not my choice, that's her doing, so I accepted it, dealt with it and I'm moving forward with my own life. <br />
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I fully understand your feelings. ((Hugs))

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and for being understanding. I have tried so hard for so long to get her to behave like a mother, but she has never been there for me and she never will, i just had to finally admit that to myself and accept it. I had always been respectful to this woman, even when she used me and hurt me. My youngest sister treats her like dirt, talks to her disrespectfully and she worships her. I still don't understand why she always thought that I could do no right, but the youngest on could never do any wrong, how she would use me and take food out of my kids mouth but she wouldn't do that to the "baby". I finally realized that on top of the physical pain, she was the reason for my emotional pain. I just got tired of it and finally spoke my mind, and cut off all communication with her. My only regret is that I didn't do so years ago. I should not have had yo beg her to love me, she should have done so as my mother. I am much happier without her and the *** she married, along with the privileged out of my life...They only tainted it with their favoritism and their using me and my family, so that's over. They still tell people they have never done anything to me, but people know them better than they blindly believe, so people pay no attention to their rambling, though a few have told them exactly what they did wrong...... I would have paid to have seen some of those conversations, and the looks on their faces. She is not sorry, and never will say so....She has made her bed, so she's lying in it..................

Forgiveness is really a two-way street; your mother must actually, in her heart, want to be forgiven and appreciate the gravity of your doing so else it is a meaningless gesture to her. Even if you were to forgive her at some future time, it would be imprudent of you to forget for that would open you up to further trespasses. What is important is that you've gotten past her betrayal, Kimberly, and that this shabby episode not be permitted to darken and stain the rest of your life and relations with other people.

That is never going to happen Rf, she thinks she hasn't done any wrong, and she would continue to use me and my family, so, I think we are better where we are.......not talking, it has been a relief go me to not have to put p with so much from one person. i.e. begging, whining, lieing, there are so many other tactics........

Thank you Rassa, I agree. Most people tell me to forgive and forget, but she has never done anything right by me, it's nice to have someone who understands the way I feel. Thank you for that my friend............

It almost sounds as if she was competing with you in some way, trying to make herself feel better by bringing you down. Betrayal of that kind, and from your own mother, is absolutely reprehensible; as for the guys who cheated on you while you were with them, well... they're clearly not as highly evolved as something you accidentally step in and immediately have to scrape off your boot.