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" Can You Believe This ?"

Those who are close to me, and some very good friends on here, know that my childhood was definitely not a walk in the park. My mother was never there for me when I needed her the most, never protected me from anything that she should have. I cut ties with her and her husband, as well as my sister who is fifteen years my junior. I was sitting here this morning and cruising EP, my usual hang out, when the phone ring. I answered because that's why we have a telephone, and you never know who is on the other end of the line. We have caller I.D. but it doesn't always show who the caller is because the phone company I have really needs to update their equipment. Upon saying hello, a woman on the line ask for me. My first thought was "oh no, not another telemarketer or bill collector", however after she identified her self and began telling me why she was calling, I would have been happier had it been a telemarketer or, yes, a bill collector.
She was a social worker calling from one of the major hospitals in the state in which I reside. I often use this hospital because it's my doctors preference and he is also a resident doctor.Well to get back on point, the social worker said that my "mother" was there and needed a ride home, and she asked if I would come and get her. Now, I have to tell you that at this point, I did have an amount of rage that went through me like a lightening bolt. Had any one bean near, the bad energy coming off me would likely have almost electrocuted them. I reached into my medicine container and took two milligrams of Xanax and was listening to the voice on the other end of the line. I closed my eyes tightly, took a couple of deep breaths and decided that this woman that I was speaking to had done nothing to deserve my anger, and that she likely did not know the situation.She went on to explain to me that they had brought her in the evening before for a severe anxiety attack due to stress because her daughter (NOT ME) had attempted suicide the previous evening. (I already knew what had happened because someone who had knowledge of the events had already told me.)
I spoke to her in a kind voice, and simply told her that I had no idea why she gave them my phone number, because I had not had any contact with this woman, her husband, or my sister in almost five years. She said that they had tried to get an ambulance to bring her home, but they couldn't spare any because they were very busy. I knew she was trying to make me feel obligated, but I remained calm, (thank God the Xanax was kicking in, I can't stand for someone to try the "guilt" tactics as I had been done that way all of my life by the woman called "mother", so I tend to get a bit touchy!) I calmly explained to her that I wasn't cold hearted, but I would not be picking her up, and that she had just wasted her time calling me. She asked me if I knew of anyone that could come and get her, and I gave her the phone number to her neighbor, my cousin, and told her that I would appreciate it if she didn't mention that I gave it to her. She said that she wouldn't, and went on to explain (she had been given permission) that my sister was sent to a hospital further away that was equipped to deal with people who had attempted suicide, or had substance abuse problems. I went on to tell her that, in my humble opinion. that was where the person belonged that she was calling me about because she had some severe issues that she needed to address mentally if she thought for one second I would jump in there and volunteer for more emotional abuse when I had more than enough issues of my own, and I had enough of that from her to last a lifetime. I went on to explain that it was my decision to cut all ties, and that my counselor as well as my psychiatrist had also advised me to do so because it was an extremely toxic relationship. I was a bit shocked when this woman said that she understood that it was best to keep toxic people out of your life because that is never healthy. I had gotten the impression that this woman knew more than she was saying about the behavior of the person that she was calling me about.
Now ;et me explain how this "mother" usually operates when she doesn't get her way, and I have had no contact in nearly five years, so this was a ploy to "get her way"She will use the "attempted suicide" of the younger daughter for all the attention and sympathy she can get. Since the one who attempted suicide probably used this womans meds, she will play the victim here, and milk the situation for all it's worth.From what I was told by someone who would know, this woman has to go to her physician every two weeks to get her prescriptions, this is from the same doctor that did NOTHING to help me (or any of her patients that were suffering). So, yes, I know that fact to be true. However if it's time for a UA, she will have the excuse that her daughter (AGAIN NOT ME) stole her meds and tried to over dose to commit suicide. It is a valid excuse except for the fact that she wouldn't have had to "steal" anything because she has never heard the word no from her "mother" concerning any thing.Even when she took the checkbook away from them (her parents) and decided ho the money would be spent, they said nothing until months went by and bills went unpaid. Finally, the old perv threw a fit and threatened to prosecute her for forgery, then they resumed control of their checkbook. ( I highly doubt you could give one of my kids enough money to even attempt such a thing) Okay, back on track... The old woman thought that if she got the social worker to call me, I would feel sorry for her and jump back in with both feet.( NOT HAPPENING FOR ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY, OR ANY THING ELSE IN THIS WORLD) You see, I had spent a year not speaking to them, and then she had a horrible accident, and as soon as I got the call, I went. She as unconscious for almost a week, because of a broken collar bone and arm, they kept her sedated to avoid the worst of the pain.This was in 2007, not long before I attempted to end my own life. Had I stayed away then, maybe I wouldn't have attempted what I did. I was already dealing with severe mind bending pain 24/7 and having to endure their drama and take some of their responsibilities as well. They didn't care that I wasn't able to run their errands, barely being able to take care of the things that I was responsible for, but do you think they cared ? ABSOLUTELY NOT EVEN IN THE LEAST...Now if the other daughter needed anything, they jumped through hoops for her. I have even been told that one or the other was dying in the past years (LONG AGO) so that after trying to cut ties, I would feel sorry for them and run right back. I DID many times. That doesn't work on me any more. I have always put myself last to try to be a good "daughter" even after all of the abuse I had to endure in my childhood, as well as all of the false complaints that were phoned into social services because I wouldn't loan money that I couldn't afford or refused to do something that they wanted me to do... I am just done. When I told her the last time, almost five years ago that I wanted nothing more to do with them, apparently she did not take me serious, I don't think she ever has taken me serious just like she never thought my feelings mattered, she never felt any remorse for the way they treated me. I wonder if it's sinking in now ? They have alienated, hurt, used and done everyone dirty that ever tried to help them, that now the three are alone, and NO ONE WILL HELP THEM THAT KNOWS THEM.
Maybe they should have treated people decent like they were treated. I guess once you have burned all of your bridges, you are bound to get stranded on the lonely side where no one will throw you a rope. I suppose they are starting to learn that they are now seeing that the reaping of what they have sewn is not so pleasant. That Karma is in fact a *****. They have called me a ***** and much worse, but I am not Karma, that they have created all on their own. I always thought that when this day came, I would get satisfaction from it. Believe it or not I am not getting any satisfaction what so ever. I don't feel much of any thing. I was very angry when I received that call, but, not any more. I see them as sad and pathetic. I refuse to feel sorry for them after a lifetime of pain, both physical and emotional. I will not get involved with that toxic relationship for ANY reason, but I no longer feel the hate that I once did even when I first became a member here at EP. As far as I am concerned. they have made their bed and as uncomfortable as it is, they have to lie in it with the lumps and all.


UPDATE...........ANOTHER TACTIC SINCE THE ONE ABOVE DIDN'T WORK

 Two days later, after she got someone to come and get her (which wasn't me) she called the store across from me and left a message with the owner for me to call her. He didn't want to give me the message, because he knows that I have had nothing but a rough life because of them. He gave the message to my husband, and after feeling severely angry, I picked up the phone and called her. I was blunt and ask her what she wanted. She didn't even bother to ask me how I was (typical behavior from her, I expected no less). She goes right to the question asking if I called up to the hospital (institution) to talk to my sister. I told her no that I didn't feel I had to and would not, that I wasn't the one who made her that way, and I did not feel any guilt or pity for her. After a few moments of silence she then has the gall to ask if I called the other hospital tp ask about MY ABUSER. That was absolutely infuriating to me. I made it clear that I felt no pity for him, and could nor care any less about what happens to him than I do. I then go on to tell her that I can't even take care of myself, and have done just fine with out any of them. She says, "If I had a car, I would come over" I said "NO, that would not be a good idea". I let her know that things will never change as far as me having ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM EVER AGAIN. After that, she said, well good bye then, I LOVE YOU. I almost cursed her good and proper, but without saying much, I just said good bye, and hung up. I also made it clear that she was NEVER to call the store again, before I hung up.
I am told later that evening that she called her sister and asked if she and her husband would move in and take care of her and the *********.
So. you see, that was what she was going to ask me. and let me tell you, I would never do it EVEN IF HELL FROZE OVER!!!!     This is the kind of person she is, and I am not angry now, but I regret that I waited so long to cut off all communication. It has ben almost five years, she only wanted to use me again, eve though I am not able.....Oh well, as long as her precious princess is okay,I guess that's all that matters...Personally, I think I was generous to give her the few minutes on the phone that I did, and because I don't hate them anymore. ......

TwilightDream TwilightDream 36-40, F 13 Responses Jan 26, 2012

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I think that you have done the right thing. I went through a similar situation with my father. We didn't talk for the last 8 years of his life, and we only lived about 5 mles apart. I do not feel bad about it either, because I still love him, but I don't like him.

Thank you. I appreciate the comment and the time you have taken to read this. I lost any love I felt in the above situation long ago, but I no longer hate them either. I am at peace because I find myself pitying them. They knew how bad they hurt me, and yet it didn't matter, not once. I have no guilt either, and only one regret: That I didn't cut ties much sooner.....

...I know how you feel...it is very hard to have all that on your mind.....it will get better with time....you are in my thoughts

Thank you. I hope it does.. I just wanted her to know that after a lifetime of the way she behaved that I am done with her. I just hope she can accept that and move on as I don't feel I even owed her that .

your mom sounds just like mine even to the fact that she was married to my father the pedilfal.she asked me if I had enticed him at 8.mine is this horrible women who stages panic attacks and what ever she can to cause trouble to try to draw me back in the drama.calls my adult son and tells she cant understand what I am mad about.my whole childhood she beat and mentaly abused me terrible but it goes on and on with her.my worst nightmare would be to take care of her in her old age.that would be true hell.I dont speak to her but she never gives up and sends cards saying how much she loves me.but I too am not as angry as I used to be but I do have fibramyia .with alot of pain.

I know exactly how stressful and angry that her insisting makes you because I have been there as well. I wouldn't take care of mine in her old age for $1 million , she didn't take care of me when she was supposed to she didn't protect me, and most of the time, I was lucky if I got Bologna and bread to eat. They still live on that. But yes, mine is a lot like you are describing, she's been dying for several years now except she gets around better than I do. She has been trying to get her foot back in my door for thr the past 5 years and there is a better chance of a woman becoming president than that happening in this lifetime. I am not as angry either, in that I don't HATE HER like I used to, but forgiving does not mean forgetting or repeating our mistakes. If you are like me, you have forgiven and let back into your life only to have her behavior get worse each time. I finally cut off all communication for good. She told my eldest son that "I would be sorry one day for being cruel and not spending time with her", I just laughed and I told my son, the only regret that I had now or would ever have is that I didn't stop her from using me and abusing me many years ago......lol... The nerve of some people !!!

what if your sister is going through what you did, what if she needs you know?

My sister is now 25, I was 15 when she was born and I RAISED HER UNTIL SHE WAS 14, her only problem now is she is a drug addict BY CHOICE, she started after she began stripping. I have been used by those people for far too long, don't worry, shes her mommy's favorite, she will do just fine. Shes home with her mother now, and the old pervert is now 77 years old, he's lying in the hospital bed because he lost a leg due to gang green. She takes the medication belonging to her parents, steals from their check book, and this is because they never told her NO. I had done a good job when I had her. She was polite, she didn't even believe in taking a Tylenol or an Ibuprofen. She started dating a boy and at 14, I would not allow that to go on in my home. So she went home to them, and what ever happened after that is their doing...She is just mad because I won't have anything to do with them, I have been used all of my life by them and I am done. She is an adult that has a two tear old daughter that she isn't allowed to see, all because she couldn't or wouldn't stay clean. I am not letting them back into my life just so she can steal medication, money, or what ever isn't bolted down from me.....

sorry i thought she was 15 now and just comitted suicied, cut them out you dont deserve this!

I have done that five years ago, they just haven't quite accepted that yet because I used to forgive, and I tried so hard to see her as my mother, problem was she never has been even close. I don't need her now I have enough to contend with. Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say. I have never been a cold hearted person, if I had been, I would have walked away from them (and should have) long before five years ago....

You've done absolutely the right thing. I am so proud of you...especially important is that you have cleared the hate and made peace because that will only make you suffer in the end.... and you do not deserve that one bit... good for you for holding your ground...

Thank you. Everyone was right about the hate only punishes the one doing the hating, not the one you hate. You guys, here at EP helped me to be able to not hate, but to still say no at the moment when I needed to. Thank you guys for all that you do every single day, I have some amazing friends here......

You have come a very long way Twilight!<br />
Stick to your strength and don't let anyone bully you into anything.<br />
Let them live in their own hell. They are only seeking some way for you to forgive them and they don't know how to ask you!!! They will use every excuse because they my dear Twilight, are TORMENTED!!!!<br />
<br />
God Bless you for being strong and standing up to you abusers!!!!<br />
<br />
Love and Peace my dear. Big Hug too xoxo<br />
<br />
SSW

Thank you, but I made thae choice long ago that they weren't going to be part of my life my friends here are the reason I have made it so far, and let go of the hate. I doubt they feel too tormented, but if they are, then good they deserve that. I felt dirty and worthless for so long, it's truly their turn. I don't feel like that any more.

I also know the feeling coming from a toxic family myself.......Everything has always had to be about my mother no matter what it was.......Even at my son's funeral she was acting like it was all about her and happening to her.......Of course other people told me later 'cause my mind wasn't even there.....I like to call them Drama Queens.......They have to be the center of attention at any and all circumstances.........In their warped minds, they are the ones who've had the worst happen to them and everything they feel is worse or more important than anyone else........I lived with it my entire life.......Oh, and I don't know about y'all, but if anything happened to my mom it was my fault.......We live in a completely different sate 12-14hrs away :-)........I am much happier and A LOT less stressed :-D.......<br />
<br />
Twilight: You did the exact right thing.......I would've done the same.......I can say though, it doesn't really shock me......These kind of people are capable of immense manipulation and very good at it.......It takes a lot of strength to identify and resist it.......I am very proud of you......When someone tries to manipulate me they don't win.......We don't have to anymore.......We are not the children they controlled and abused anymore......Sending you a big high five and two thumbs up with a big ole grin on my face.......You go girl!!!!! :-)

Thank you, my friend. I knew you would understand. After I refused this, she called acroos from me and left a message AT THE STORE for me to call her. This is a small town and everyone knows why I have avoided her in the last 5 years and he gave the message to my hubby, even though he admitted he didn't want to. I just made sure she got the message to never call the store again, and not to call my neighbors either, She is just so unbelievable, but she wasn't able to make me cry this time, nor do I feel any pity what so ever for any of them.....Again, thank you, and thank you for your friendship and the hug....You are like a sister to me.

:-D You are like a sister to me too......It's a good and happier place when you can COMPLETELY separate yourself from them.....You are a wild cat!!!!! Rooooaaaaarrrrr!!!!!

You are like a sister to me as well, and I think the "wild cat" part of me just needed to be re-awakened and that was made possible by someone else who understood where I was coming from and gave me the confidence I needed to maintain my convictions. Thank you for all of the conversations that we have had, and hopefully there will be many more in the future....Having someone that understands because they have been there helps a lot..... =)

Hun I have been there and totally understand the breaking all ties thing. But you need to forgive her. IMHO. It almost destroyed me carrying around all the hate. You never need to see them again but I would seriously reconsider the forgivness part.<br />
<br />
"Hate......properly tended to and nurtured will in time devour it's creator"<br />
<br />
Praying for you Hun xox

I have forgiven in so far as I do not carry around hate any longer. I pity them, but I don't feel bad for them as they have created this mess that they are in. And the bridges they burned were their doing. But I no longer feel hate any more... I have reached this stage of peace for me a while ago, without realizing it at first......Thank you, you were right all along.

As long as the lesson is learned all is good my friend

I'm very sorry this happen to you, Did she believe after years of not communication with you that she could just call and everything you have been thought would just disappear.You feel hurt and betray by the one person that was to protect you the one that was to believe you and didn't and still is not <br />
Unfortunately, there are people in this world that try to take advantage of situations, think only of themselves and cause more pain. <br />
You are right to sever all communication with this woman

Thank you. I am just very surprised that after all of this time, she would even consider that I would just drop everything and run for "her" of all people. The woman has to be dense, because I have had NO communication with her, and she did fail to protect me , she KNEW what was going on and did nothing. $$ was the only thing she cared about . She has pulled stunts like this is the past, and she tries to make people feel sorry for her. I just don't feel sorry for her. I can barely get up and down enough to make it to the rest room, and sitting in a car is painful even for short trips. I also feel that I was right to cut all communication with her, Thanks for agreeing. I do appreciate that. My only regret is that I should have done it years before I did. Some people didn't realize how bad it really was, now the same people who criticized me, will have nothing to do with them either......Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it...

you are very welcome -- I know writing sometimes makes the pain less

You have come a long way.
Congratulations!!! You have my
Utmost respect.
Paco 35

Thank you Paco. I have had help from very good friendships and conversations from here and for those, I will always be grateful....

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I believe I know what you mean how your mother still attempts to control you through what I call<br />
'emotional blackmail'. My in laws have used it for years against my spouse to the detriment of the marriage. They withold their love in order to get her to behave a special <br />
way. Afterall what child, no matter what,age, does not want or need a parents love?<br />
Fortuneately, my spouse, albeit lare in the game

What angered me was that after no communication, she thought that the "guilt" trip would work on me. I am the kind of person that once I say I am done, I am in fact done. But you are exactly right about what they do. My decision to have no contact was a little late in the game as well, but I say better late than never,,,,,apparently she thought guilt would work, but Paco, I just can't do it anymore.. I have not stayed away this long, to be reeled back in. That isn't love, it's taking advantage and they know what they o. they just don't care about anyone but themselves.

Good for you. I realize its tough. Everyone has their stopping point. You have accomplished an enormous amount of emotional territory.
Paco35:-)

Actually, it's a lot easier than having contact with them and being treated like dirt beneath their feet. I think she knows now that I meant what I said. I am done with the three of them.....

this sounds so much like my mother. the dying in the hospital is her all time get out of jail free card. she plays that one a lot. most of the time she is just dying for some attention. in fact she has been dying at least 2 a year for as long as i can remember.

On the one hand, it's sad that they go through all of that to try to get attention, especially when my "mother" was the one who helped screw up her relationship with me ( I don't know what happened with your mom and you, but I am guessing it's similar to my story else your mom wouldn't be using a drastic ploy for your attention) Had they not been so wrong and have thought about us instead of themselves, their actions now would be so unnecessary. On the other hand, if you are like me, hurt, used, and wounded, it makes you angry when they pull such deceitful nonsense. I understand that only to well.

So true &amp; it's not just for attention. it's the fact that she has just done something so horrid to someone that the only way they would ever forgive her is if she is in the hospital. this is how she handles things. i have terribly wronged you, but you must forgive me i'm dying.

I am sorry, but that is so pathetic......

Extremely pathetic. I have dealt with that deceitfulness way too long.....

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Twighlight, I'm sorry that this event triggered something for you, but it appears to me that it might not happen next time. Be well.

Hello unquenched, are you sure you are on the right story,? EP has been having some flaws lately, and I think you are talking to Hylie ??

No, that was me; I screwed up, sorry. I fixed it.

We all make mistakes, no harm, no foul :-) Thank you, I always look forward to your comments and appreciate them. You are right as usual, it certainly did trigger some things but I was able to gain control quickly, and I wasn't even mean to the social worker. I was able to remain polite, yet honest. I could tell that from her responses, she already had the number for my "mothers" shenanigans. As well as some insight of her chemical dependency.

Oh, and thank you. By the time you mentioned Xanax, I thought that the phone call had been a "trigger," and Hylie has those "trigger alerts," which is how I got the name in my head.

That's okay. I understand. This is the first time a phone call triggered me needing that dose of Xanax, but since I knew what they wanted and who it concerned, I started to get upset and angry.....so you were still right.

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Yep. After so many years of betrayal you are right to maintain a safe distance. It is not your responsibility to "heal the world" or even your own family for that matter. I used to go around using up all my energy to try to "lift people up" only to be let down, until someone said to me, dont try to play "God". It took me a while to grasp what that meant but after I did I found it easier to deal with people. All some people do is take and that is indeed a very toxic relationship which cannot be maintained. It sounds like you're at peace, I am happy for that. You can only give to a certain extent without receiving, once you get to a certain point, your giving becomes detrimental to your own health and well being.

I agree whole heartedly ..... I did try to many times and all they ever did was abuse, and take... I refuse to let them back into my life again, I would rather not end up suicidal..It has always been a toxic relationship for any one that associaated with them...Thank you scorpio, I appreciate the comment and the time you took to read this ........

Always a pleasure. I can only relate because I am having the same difficulies with my father. I have not spoken to him in a couple of years. Like your mother, he does not acknowledge any wrong doing, and that is almost worse than committing the crime. I have tried and am still trying to connect with him but he never reciprocates, which is ironic, you would think that I wronged him. Nevertheless, I am willing to give, only up to a certain point. I am certainly not angry or bitter, but we are human and hurt feelings are expected. I really dont know if I care anymore to be honest. I often wonder, if he dies, will I cry? I doubt it but who knows. We shall see...

I truly understand what you are saying. I have asked myself the same question, and well, the answer is no. I wouldn't shed a tear. I am a very good hearted person and I try to help others. But some things just cut too deeply,,,,You never forget when you are hurt so deeply that you fell empty, soulless even. I just don't get why after all of this time, she thought such a ploy like that would work with me. I know how they are, i know ever dirty trick in the book. There are parts of that story, that I haven't even wrote about on here, yet. I can understand where you are coming from when you say that not acknowledging any wrong doing is almost worse than the wrong that was done. It is the truth. I can't say I blame you, usually when someone can't admit that they done something wrong, in my opinion it means they haven't learned anything and still remain the way they were or worse, and that they are carrying around so much pride, that eventually, they will buckle under the pressure of that weight.....

i was confronted many years by that question, "would i cry when my mother passes away?" I can not answer that with absolute certainty because that day has not come, but I truly believe now as i did all those years ago, i will not.
but more importantly I wanted to chime in to the idea of denial. when I think for both you Scorpio &amp; Twilight, this applies. I believe they, for whatever reason, can't acknowledge that shame of hurting the ones they were supposed to take care of and protect. (i want to stress i am not condoning their actions, but i am for my own health forgiving them, that does not mean those ties are any less severed)

@Twighlight - You are right. Without repeating every single word you just said, let me just say I totally agree. Its good that you now know their tactics. Manipulation is an abusers best weapon right. Knowing their weapons of warfare will certainly go a long way to protecting ourselves from any such characters. I chose to turn down a gift worth about 10 000 US dollars, which would actually increase in value with time because I knew that this was another ploy to "buy" me. He didnt understand that and probably felt offended because he is used to "buying" people, but when someone says, "No you cant buy me" he cant take it. People that are manipulative often struggle to comprehend a situation when their strategies fail to work on their supposed victim because that is the only way they know how to function. They dont understand that they could help the situation buy saying "I'm sorry", showing remorse and humility and just being good to people. How do you teach a grown adult so used to his/ her own ways to think differently? It is almost impossible, as they say, like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. That couldn't be more true in this scenario. Nevertheless we should never give up hope. I learnt this from my uncle who couldn't even speak on his death bed but still tried to make things right. Better late than never hey.

Baregravity I think you are right. I believe my dad is ashamed of his actions. I have forgiven him though, I know this because I have tried to reach out to him. Just a few months ago I bought him a CD set worth at least £100. I couldnt give them to him personally because I was in another country at the time. Did I even get a thank you? Nope. Yeah sure he told the person I sent to say thank you but he couldn't even email me, text, write a letter, do something??? That annoyed me to be honest, actually I was more dissapointed than angry or annoyed. I just felt like he doesnt care. Gratitude not expressed is as good as ingratitude. But anyway, he's got his own issues, I'm not really mad about that. I think I have forgiven him, otherwise I still wouldnt be trying to reach out if you know what I mean. And to answer my own question, I think I would cry if he died without us resolving the issues between us. More because of what could have been rather than what was. thanks for your comment.

And forgiving does not mean you have to associate with that person ever again......Thank God for that :-).....

AMEN to that....I agree, and they will never get back into my life....

I agree. Your situation is different from mine Twighlight, it seems things are beyond reconciliation for you and your family and I can truly understand why. I would do the same thing in your situation.

Thank you for I understand what you were saying here. It just took me a while to get there. =)

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