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The Pain Won't Go Away

As a Christian, it is in my nature to forgive. For the most part, I find it easy to forgive except for one person...My mom. We have a good relationship now but I can't help but feel that good relationship is because of my daughter. My mom has mellowed since becoming a grandparent so sometimes it's hard to believe that the woman who physically and mentally abused me is the same one who is so soft spoken and kind now. Just when I think I've forgiven her, I think things like,"Where was this kindness and patience when I was a child". As a kid, I was cussed at and insulted, I was knocked out of my chair while doing homework, I was pulled out of bed by my hair and beat, I was knocked into walls, I had a knife pulled on me, I was slapped and punched on drives to school, I was pushed on the floor, I was drug around the house by my hair, hit in the head with brushes and the list goes on and on...
You might ask what I did to prompt these episodes of rage by my mother. Usually they were started by silly stuff like me doodling in my notebook, writing a note in class, not turning in a progress report, and other juvenile offenses. I was an "A student". I didn't do drugs or sleep around. If I had engaged in those destructive behaviors, I MIGHT understand the abuse but to this day I don't understand why I was hurt so bad. I have tried talking to my mom about it and you know what...she doesn't remember it. She thinks I made it up worse in my head than it actually was. How is that possible? I remember the episodes of abuse vividly. I wouldn't make it up. I think she has blocked it out. I mean what parent wants to remember and admit being abusive to their child. Her dad beat her and she defended him for it. In her mind she deserved it. I don't share that belief. No child deserves that pain. As I raise my daughter, I am praying to break this generational curse and raise my child in a loving, safe home. Physically, I am safe now but emotionally I am scarred and at times those wounds open fresh making it hard to forgive and forget.


"Choose your words and actions carefully for it is easier to build a child than to fix a broken adult."
Blondesinger Blondesinger 31-35, F 2 Responses Aug 11, 2012

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Thanks for sharing your story , Blondesigner!<br />
It is difficult to sometimes understand or figure out why things happen the way that they do, and we may never come to know the answer, however their is always hope in any situation.<br />
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Granted you were a victum of circumstance. I'm very sorry that you had to endure what you were exposed to as a child; any form of abuse is traumatic.<br />
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I was in an abusive marriage for many years and I was molested as a child so I can relate to the taruma of abuse.<br />
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The thing that helped me to forgive my abuser was coming to realize that people are were they are in their own mental, emotional and spiritual development; not that their actions condon being abusive nor that anyone should be tolerant of an abuser; im simple saying that another person can't change where a person is in their mental , emotional and spiritual growth.<br />
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We all need help moving beyound where we are in our growth and when we can witness that a person has grown and advanced in their mental, emotional and spiritual growth we should be happy for them.<br />
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Christ indured so much suffering by human beings and yet he forgive them. He knew where people were in their walk in life. He tried to lift them up and provide them with truth that would help to make them responsible and accountable for their actions.<br />
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All you can do is move forward in your life and apply those godly principles that Christ passed on to us; and teach them to your child.<br />
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I'm sure it will help to pray for your mother and to ask God to heal her and for the Spirit to convict her heart so that she can remember and hopefully ask for forgiveness and ask you to forgive her.<br />
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Try not to focus on what your mother did to you and focus on desiring the best for her spiritually. Sometimes our experiences can be a gateway for someone else to be healed, redeemed and brought to Christ.<br />
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I remember my abuse, I don't harp on it or allow it to keep me from growing spiritually; however an inhumane act affects a human being deeply and the memory of it helps to protect against putting myself in that position with anyone else and to do what I need to do to protect myself. <br />
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I pray that the Lord will bless you with inner peace and harmony; and that you will be healed of any emotion that keeps you from moving on in your life! I pray that in the name of Jesus Christ!<br />
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I also pray that the Lord will touch your moms heart and do the things necessary to bring her to Christ and to have the courage and strength to face herself and you and ask for forgiveness of the Lord and you!<br />
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Peace unto you!

I was in the same exact situation to a T except I don't have a kid and I'm 21 I'm struggling so badly to forgive and move on but it's almost impossible... It's ruining not only that relationship but others I have also and I don't know what to do...

You are right. It is almost impossible to forgive. I wish I had an answer as to what to do but I don't have one. All we can do is hope and pray one day God will give us His grace and strength to forgive.