The Pain Won't Go AwayAs a Christian, it is in my nature to forgive. For the most part, I find it easy to forgive except for one person...My mom. We have a good relationship now but I can't help but feel that good relationship is because of my daughter. My mom has mellowed since becoming a grandparent so sometimes it's hard to believe that the woman who physically and mentally abused me is the same one who is so soft spoken and kind now. Just when I think I've forgiven her, I think things like,"Where was this kindness and patience when I was a child". As a kid, I was cussed at and insulted, I was knocked out of my chair while doing homework, I was pulled out of bed by my hair and beat, I was knocked into walls, I had a knife pulled on me, I was slapped and punched on drives to school, I was pushed on the floor, I was drug around the house by my hair, hit in the head with brushes and the list goes on and on...
You might ask what I did to prompt these episodes of rage by my mother. Usually they were started by silly stuff like me doodling in my notebook, writing a note in class, not turning in a progress report, and other juvenile offenses. I was an "A student". I didn't do drugs or sleep around. If I had engaged in those destructive behaviors, I MIGHT understand the abuse but to this day I don't understand why I was hurt so bad. I have tried talking to my mom about it and you know what...she doesn't remember it. She thinks I made it up worse in my head than it actually was. How is that possible? I remember the episodes of abuse vividly. I wouldn't make it up. I think she has blocked it out. I mean what parent wants to remember and admit being abusive to their child. Her dad beat her and she defended him for it. In her mind she deserved it. I don't share that belief. No child deserves that pain. As I raise my daughter, I am praying to break this generational curse and raise my child in a loving, safe home. Physically, I am safe now but emotionally I am scarred and at times those wounds open fresh making it hard to forgive and forget.
"Choose your words and actions carefully for it is easier to build a child than to fix a broken adult."
Blondesinger 31-35, F 2 Responses 1 Aug 11, 2012