Sorry Mom... I Don't Understand Why

my mother had me when she was sixteen. when she was thirty-nine, she committed suicide. when people do this, they usually leave a note. well mom followed suite with the note. in it, she addressed me personally. she said i'd understand why she did it! i was twenty-three years old then. i'm now sixty, and still don't understand why!!
ivo13 ivo13 56-60, M 26 Responses Oct 23, 2012

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Wow... Very sorry!

thank you! you're so kind!

I feel sorry for you dear

to you and all of the wonderful people who have responded to this... thank you all! i just needed to put it out there for my own need of saying it out loud! sometimes hearing your own thoughts helps to see a way through difficult times or thoughts! thank you all!

I am so sorry you had such a terrible experience, best is to forgive your mother and realize you had nothing to do with her decision to end her life. She would have done that with or without you.

That's crazy sir, sorry to hear

That is a terrible weight to live with, sure she had no idea the pain that caused you....usually when people commit suicide they are not even understanding the pain they leave behind

So sorry to read of the trauma you had to go through, at least now try to forgive and forget since you are only hurting yourself by trying to figure out something that you never will. Maybe your mother was a weak person for reasons, that you will never find out. Never waste time on gloating over situations which can never be changed as they are bygones.


I think sometimes people carry so much pain that they can't handle it anymore and some of us cope better than others. I had a friend who killed himself. He was a young, handsome guy with a beautiful personality, but when he sunk into depression, he didn't want to leave the house. The doctors tried to help, but the medicines failed. X. I am very sorry about your mom.

When my daughter died I thought about suicide often and came close several times. The only thing that kept me here was my other daughter.

I'm very sorry that you had to go through such a terrible loss. Thank God you found the courage through your other daughter. Where in NJ are you from? I lived in Bergen County for most of my life. X

I am moving to Cinnaminson, Burlington County in 3 weeks

Not familiar with that area. Were you effected by the hurricane? X

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I'm sorry that she did that too you. It has to be hard. (Why) is a question as old as time it self. All I can say is. Don't do the things to your love one that she did to you. Maybe she wasn't strong and by her doing this she figured you would be stronger than her. Have a great day. there are people who care.

sorry for your loss my man. I can only imagine the mental journey that you have had.

well I feel for you, my nephew, who I thought the world of, did the same at 24, I was stunned, felt so guilty as to what I could have done. There are no reasons for doing what they did for us, but to them it seemed the only way out at the time. Have you ever been to a councillor about it... it does help

She must have really been depressed to leave you. I know someone who is depressed and it is difficult to understand. My heart goes out to you.

thank you!

I am really sorry. My dad committed suicide when I was just 16. I still haven't fully come to terms with it. Don't think I ever will.

She obviously hurt you deeply. How horrible that she abandoned you.

Sorry to hear that. Terrible for you to carry this with you


Just saw this post -- what a burden you must have carried for so long.

it's behind me now. thanks

Good to hear. All I had to deal with was an abusive mother who had no qualms about inflicting emotional pain even on her own grandchildren.

She died several years ago and I was already past it.

Your mom must have been very sick and it is reflected in her note. Don't blame yourself for her mistake.

i did at first. but, as i grew older and developed an "i don't give a ****" attitude towards so many things, the memory eventually moved to the back of my mind! you know, "i'm okay, you're okay", type thing.

I never forgiven my stepfather for abusing me when i was 10 and he is still alive, so why should you forgive your Mom

Sorry to hear that Ivo All the best Peter

thank you. it was a time in my life, that had a lot of promises for the future. those promises were never pursued for obvious reasons! i often wonder, what my life would have been, if it weren't for this?

That sounds rough man...

Sometimes we loose hope, we forget to look into the eyes of the ones around us, and see it in them. YOU did nothing wrong !!!.
A good friend of mine just took her life, It crushed me inside, due to the fact I was the last person she called. In my heart I kept thinking, I could of stopped it. But the facts are, probably not.
Know this, she is just in a better place to be able to watch over you.


How sad that you suffered such a tragedy. As a young person, there is no way to make sense of it. As an adult, does it help at all to realize that she had to be very, very ill to have done this? No matter that her note may have made an attempt to rationalize a very irrational act, she was not thinking clearly. The fact that she said you would understand probably doesn't mean anything other than that in her disturbed and pained mind, she hoped you would. Hugs to you.

i have taken the many years to ponder over that letter! i, at the time, didn't understand what she was saying to me. now, years later, i'm starting to understand a few things! i look in the mirror every morning and see the guy i feel i am. then, out in public... i hear, hey old man, how are you today? who the **** is that person talking too? me??? what the ****!! i've got your "old man" hanging between your momma's legs!!! *******!

yeah... i'm starting to realize what she was saying to me in that letter...

Are you hearing some one physically talk to you or are you hearing this. It may be a little crazy and very taboo but maybe it's your mom checking in on you. That's if your hearing these things in your mind

I attempted suicide myself several times, and a few of those times I expected to be successful. Thankfully, I wasn't. Based on my own experience, a person has to be in a VERY dark, horrible place to want to take this most-selfish form of escape, especially when they would be leaving loved-ones behind. The though of how my suicide would have affected my children now has me horrified that I even tried it. If it really matters to you, try to think about where your mother was in her life, what was happening, and you might get a little insight into her actions. I'm sure it still won't satisfy you, but at least you might be able to empathize with her a bit. And hopefully you have been able to forgive her.

If i may ask what was the cause that pushed you so deep into that dark room in your head. Was it stress from the kids maybe your spouse I'd just like to know. As my wife is very emotional and has had a past similar to one's i read on EP. I have a 6 month old baby girl she and my wife mean the world to me. I Just Never Had anything horrible happen to me I'd just like to know clues to look for to prevent these events from taking place

My partner has faced decades of dealing with the suicide of a close sibling. Suicide is often a very selfish act. You must learn that you can hate and love the same person at the same time. Suicide of a close family member will never really go away and you may never understand.

Sorry for your pain,but you have to let go so that you can be free,doit for you

Ouch. Man Ivo, that must be painful, loosing your mom like that, and then the question she left you with, never to be answered. Yeah, I can see that would be hard on a guy. So sorry Man. Like I said: ouch.

thanks for reading.