A Letter Never Sent

Dear Mom,
I've been meaning to tell you so many things for some time now, but I always seem to stumble upon these words.

How could you do it? How could you put me in the car knowing you'd had too much to drink? How could you tell me my brother isn't really my brother at all? How could you indirectly insist my very existence is an annoyance to you? How could you violate every ounce of trust dad had in you and have an affair with another man?

It's the one question I've been burning to ask you for years....but I know I won't. Because in this twisted, unfair place you're the only thing I have. And I hate that. I hate everything you've done to me, to this family. I hate the fact that I've spent so many nights crying because I wanted things to be different between us. I hate how you can parade around like you've done nothing wrong, like you haven't ruined my life in some ways.

But you want to know something completely and utterly crazy? I don't hate you. I should, but I don't. And I never will. Because despite everything you've done to me, I know you need me. I'm the only one who connects with you, understands the things that runs through your mind. I'm just like you and that scares me. But even though I hate what I've grown up around, I can't imagine my life without you here.
LifeOfAGingerKid LifeOfAGingerKid
18-21, F
2 Responses Nov 26, 2012

I am constantly thinking like this around my mother. When I was 1 and again when i was 7 my grandparents took me in because my parents were alcoholics and drug addicts. Now I'm 15 and my mom has been sober for almost 2 years and I'm very happy that she is. But I can't get out of my mind that she never apologized for missing out on so many years of my life. I still love her and having a bond with her that I was never able to have with my grandma. I do t know what I'd do if she left me again.

That's sooooo similar to how I feel. She has ripped a hole in my heart and I can't walk away because I feel like she needs me more than I need her. That's a very brave and powerful statement. You are strong and a good person. I hope this forum brings you comfort. <3