There was a good question today where we were asked if we can forgive the person who hurt us most.

Some of the answers made the point that in order for forgiveness to happen, it helps if the perpertrator has shown remorse and/or asked for forgiveness.

In my case, I have been waiting for a long time and it hasn't happened. This is why I can't forgive.

felicita felicita
66-70, F
14 Responses Feb 22, 2009

What if they apologize and you know they mean it but you still can't forgive tham? This is my situation.

jacobite thank you for your comment and support and for being so caring.<br />

F what a touching story, but you are not alone we have EP sometimes you can have people all aroung you, and still feel very much alone. Take care my dear friend. thank you for sharing :o)

Mox thanks for your comment.<br />
I like the point you have made about "bruised ego".

Great comments by everyone! I needed to read these. Sometimes I think it's bruised ego that doesn't allow us to forgive. One thing about forgiving - if you let it go, it makes room for another experience that might be fulfilling and better, providing we learned the lesson there was in it? Mox

Duana thanks for your comment.<br />
I like the point you make about giving the perpetrator power.<br />
It's almost like giving them permission to do it again.<br />
Can't feel sorry for them. Sorry!

Yeah forgiveness is tough for those who hurt us the most- I too struggle with that. I believe the ultimate forgiveness is to let go because you come to the understanding that they really had no clue whatsoever what they were doing and had they, they would not have done it. But by doing this it gives them the power and it seems unfair to give them such power! Especially if they are succeeding in life due to their evil and you are struggling in life due to the fact that you won't compromise your goodness. Forgiveness is tough- maybe even impossible. I think the best I can do is feel sorry for that person because they have cheated themselves out of a truly good life. And maybe that IS forgiveness.

Dorobo thanks for your comment.<br />
I have read that "one who releases the pain can become free of the pain" and of course it is a desirable outcome. BUT I can't do it. As koalaguy says, if we do this, then the person is free to continue behaving this way and to feel no responsibility for his/her actions. It is rewarding bad behaviour.

Yes, my situation was similar.

Koalaguy<br />
I like the way you talk of responsibility. It's a very good point. If they don't feel any responsibility, then it makes you wonder what sort of people we are dealing with. In my case, the person concerned is related to me and reading between the lines, I think that is the case with you. Quite frankly, would we want such people as our friends? I wouldn't.<br />
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Sensygreen thanks for your comment.<br />
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Enna30 thanks for your support. It all helps.

Those who treat others badly and show no remorse are not worth us suffering over - but suffer we do in most cases!! I try to forgive because I know it is better for me, but I'm not always successful. Thinking of you and hoping your pain is not too great.

The problem with forgiving people, no matter what, is they're very likely to feel it's ok to keep on behaving the same way.<br />
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I did see them face to face recently at my mother's funeral. It was not easy. I had as little contact with them as possible for the sake of the other people there. When confronted with them, I treated them as well as I might treat any stranger; which basically they are... there's been little contact for over 20 years.

The one who hurt you the most and you yourself would bump into each other. If that time comes, be open to forgiveness even if its hard. Open communication would help the both of you.

It does complicate matters when you're not sure whether they feel any responsibility for it at all.