Trying To Forgive...

Today i came home from work and i had an email from someone i didn't recognize, i opened it and realized it was from my biological mother. I read it and felt nothing. I didn't have an emotion, i wasn't sad, happy, or angry. I didn't know how to feel at the moment, and i didn't know what to do. Do i respond? if i do am i nice? am  nasty? do i ignore it and just go on? I know if i ignore all i would think about would be the possible outcome of me giving it a chance. I can't forgive, i don't think i really truly ever will, but its worth a shot! I e-mailed my mother back, as i was writing i realized that i never had a full conversation with her except for the little things i had the ability to say at the age of two.  I explained to my mother that i don't think i can forgive her, even though it has been 16 years the cuts still hurt. I don't want her to meet my son, or my wife, i don't know if i want to meet with her myself, i think im scared of getting hurt again! Is this normal? i remeber growing up i always played a role in my head of a time that my mom would come and say how handsome i was, how smart i am, how much she loves me, how much she never meant to hurt me. and i always said i would run into her arms forgive her like nothing ever happened, but now that its here, i don't think i can. I think its been too long for me to easily forgive.  I don't know how im supposed to feel.
DmasterP DmasterP
18-21, M
2 Responses Oct 17, 2011

Forgiving only brings positive outcomes. <br />
<br />
If you don't forgive conscious will torment you

Its fear that blocks our emotions and its normal for you to fear the unknown with your mother. This sounds to me that deep down inside you really want to forgive her and give her the benefit of the doubt but whats causing that blockage is fear. Possibly fear that she might end up hurting you again or maybe even your wife and child so you are in protection mode.. its normal hon... and I would suggest that you spend some time with your thoughts and feelings and try not to ask people should I or shouldnt I questions because this is about you and what you been through with her in the past. You personally should decide what is best for YOU and your family. Life is short either make up with her and set boundaries or just delete that email and move on with your life... god bless !