Hell Is Other People...

I am a professional in some field.  Surfice it to say I went to school for almost 15 years and made it to my dream.  I learned along the way that part of my suffering in life was due to other people encroaching on my boundaries.  So I lived alone with my pets and my toys and was happier than ever. Then a catastrophe blind sided me without warning.  I took a job in central california and before too long someone had stolen my precious companion pomeranian.  The cottage that I rented had not been attended to and I came down with cholera -- almost dying in the ER.  I routinely forward my mortgage payments electronically and one day the bank told me my money was not good to them any longer and refused to accept payment.  I offered to escalate payments and still they refused.  My house appreciated and I planned on using it for my retirement but the next I heard they were foreclosing on it.  I found out later that this was summer 2007 at the beginning of the subprime mortgage meltdown.  In order for wall street banks to bail out they were calling in all their paper.   I tried to fight it with attorneys and refinancing and finally declared chapter 13 and got an administrative stay.  Then I moved to a different rental that was not going to kill me with water.  Got up in the middle of the night and broke my hip.  While in the hospital recuperating from surgery I was laid off from my job but fortunately had a good disability policy and had to stay in bed for 4 months.  Unfortunately I had to hire a caretaker to manage the rental as I was immobile.  She initially did a good job but I had to give her my card to buy things.  I found out months later that she stole my identity, trashed my credit and put thousands of dollars worth of charges on my card that I am still paying off.  Top it off I found out she was dealing crystal meth out of her bedroom at all hours of the night.  She became verbally abusive so I would not talk to her before noon when she calmed (came?) down.  She got me addicted to pills and alcohol to keep me captive.  I finally overdosed and got to a local hospital.  I was able to come back and kick her out and then filed charges.  She finally was put in prison.  My landlord recommended a housekeeper from AA and I went to meetings with her. I worked in group and crawled out of my suicidal depression. Next I found out that I had been coming down with parkinson's disease since the fall and broken hip.  I was clean and sober and taking sinemet and other PD meds.  I asked if my caretaker would come help me get back to my home state.  In the meantime, I hired an attorney to handle the bankruptcy and she advised me to quit my pro se 13 and let her redo it.  First I filed to cancel 13 and found out the bank had staked out the deed file room and as soon as the 13 judicial stay on my house was recinded the bank grabbed the deed.  I am considering suing that attorney for malpractice.  My house which was my sanctuary from the world was gone and I had to rush to move my possessions into storage.  I am now back home near where I lived and renting a house in which I have new pets and saved some older ones.  I have been able to control the parkinson's enough to work half time.  My previous caretaker came with me and she keeps the house but has become verbally abusive and I would like to fire her but cannot find a social worker to help me.  Also now the state is cutting back on reimbursements so if I don't see more volume I may be laid off.  I have 5 years more before retirement and my disability dries up.  I am looking at living on maybe $1500 per month to live on which can't be done.  I am proceeding to sell all my possessions and find new homes for my pets.  I find myself thinking of suicide.  I can't live with fear of the future,  advancing parkinson's, work lay off, loss of social support, a psychologically toxic living situation, etc. I'd rather end it all right here and now.

miriamairim miriamairim
61-65, F
8 Responses Feb 17, 2010

Yooski,<br />
What happened to you? I would really like to talk. Maybe my other story turned you off. Look at it this way. Suppose for the sake of argument that Satan does exist and has gotten us to believe he doesn't exist -- which is the biggest gag he has pulled on us. Then since God is greater, he must be weak but he holds a grip on our world through the tricks that ego plays on us. Just the kind of tricks that religion tries to help us detect. Ego, mind (duality), drama, avoidance of relationship, desire of worldly things or greed all serve to help Satan get a grip on us. It needs these tricks because he is fundamentally weak and God knows it. So we make sure his tricks fail and trust in the Lord.<br />
miriamairim

You are definitely not alone. You are wise beyond your years. I am guessing you are much younger than me which I find delightful. I too am a writer with two books published. You may wish to read them someday. People urge me to write my biography because I have led an "interesting" life. It wasn't as interesting to me as it was excruciatingly painful. The story I left here is just a snippet as I am too modest to share the many trials I have gone through. To write it all down would be beyond my ability. Perhaps a ghost writer will come forward LOL. Say I sent you my email address if you want to exchange more personally. I hope you are sincere and will trust this disclosure. I look forward to many splendid conversations!

"Maybe you want to stay anonymous like me."<br />
-i do like staying anonymous on online sites - seeing as how it is safer & i am very, very slow to trust. but, i would definitely like to keep chatting with you; you seem to share a certain view of the world that so few of my friends/acquaintances see.<br />
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"Frankly I find so few people who are so resonant with my soul."<br />
-is it weird that i feel the same? your story about the monk was the best story i've heard in years, & your views on your experiences are so similar to how i would react.<br />
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-do you like to write & read beautiful english? i find there are some sentences/poems/stories written so wonderfully, it's like viewing a painting or drawing in scales of bewilderment. i am one of the few people i know that considers words to be like graphite or paints - you can use them to blend together, juxtapose, & intertwine to form intense emotions for the audience. maybe it's just me, but i fine writing to be one of those "strawberries". usually music helps to draw the words together in a gracious way - like the music tells you how the author wanted the words to be read/sound. my, how the smallest fruits can make the largest messes disappear..<br />
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"I can't let this opportunity to become fellow travelers go by."<br />
-i am Jack's complete agreement; we should definitely chat & talk from now on - share our personal ideas & journeys. it's not often i find someone who sees the big picture in the same light - in fact, i'd say it's incredibly rare - there have only been a handful of them in my life thus far. it's nice to know i'm not the last sane person on this planet.

Dear Yooski,<br />
Are you interested in getting personally connect? How do you do that on this site? Maybe you want to stay anonymous like me. Frankly I find so few people who are so resonant with my soul (?) that I can't let this opportunity to become fellow travelers go by. What do you think?<br />
miriamairim

i thoroughly enjoyed that story, miriamairim. it is beautiful in every sense of the word. while most would argue its wonder, i find the same logic in such a tale; we are but mice in the hand of a hungry cat - waiting to be eaten alive at any moment, & so each moment spent alive is wonderful because we're doomed. maybe that is the real lesson in it all. maybe we are just meant to have our own little "strawberries" along the way & there really isn't anything more than that. what a promising thought to hold on to if there ever was..<br />
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"I wish I had known you dear friend."<br />
- i wish the same. i feel alone more & more as i grow up & see the world's true face. like im trapped in a cage where the bars just keep rising higher & higher & i can't climb out anymore, so i just sit & watch as my prison envelops me. but, life is far too short to be pissed off all the time; doesn't it go by in a bl<x>ink? you seem like you've been lonely as well, which is why i took the time to write you back & create this account. i guess i felt someone as clear-headed & logical as you deserved a "strawberry" or two while you still have time to enjoy the flavour.

Dear Yooski, Thank you for having the guts to speak out. I find Buddhism the closest I can come to a religion that resonates with my experience. There is no god in B. We are all potentially Buddhas ourselves. I recall a Zen story of a monk who was being chased for food by a tiger. He ran and ran until he came to a steep ravine which blocked his escape. He could do nothing but jump off the precipice and on the way down he grapped for a bush that stop his fall. He could see the tiger waiting for him on the ledge about and he looked down and saw yet another tiger who at the bottom of the ravine waiting for him to fall and be his lunch. The monk suddenly looked at the bush which was hanging on to his life and noticed it was a strawberry bush. On that bush was a solitary perfect strawberry. The monk reached out with his free hand and plucked it. He sank his teeth into the lush cool pulp and said "How lovely." That is life my fellow traveler. We live for this moment between two tigers who wish us for lunch hanging on for dear life by a thread. All we can do is savor this moment because that is all there is and if their happens to be a lush strawberry then savor the goodness for tomorrow we die. I wish I had known you dear friend.<br />
miriamairim

"There is no answer to existence."<br />
- i find myself seeing existence in much the same light; i am not sure there is a point to life or existence. i look around & see the small fragments of good & beauty being completely drowned out by the bad & ugly. does this mean i will kill myself? unfortunately, i do not possess the will to follow through with such an act; i am absolutely terrified of death. while this world offers many scares & copious amounts of tragedy, i still think this is it - we have about a century or so to experience, think, wonder, marvel, & live - & then it's all over. one century out of billions upon billions of years? how is that fair? i find myself questioning the meaning of all things because if there is a meaning to this nonsense, if there is a god of some sort behind this place, why would it only allow us one hundred years to breathe? why all the suffering? why the lessons? what makes lessons so important if there is nothing beyond this? if we cannot carry revelations with us when we pass, what is the point of realizing them? if this is it, i would rather suffer here than end it with precious time left; precious in the sense that it's all i have.<br />
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"I'd rather end it all right here and now."<br />
- i wish i was the person to try to talk you out of such a thing, but i am more sympathetic towards those who consider suicide than those who do not; to me, i find those happy here to be simply mad & manic; how anybody could be more positive than negative in this place is beyond me. my parents & grandparents all consider me a fool for this view, but i simply don't understand this place or how people can see it from a positive light. granted, i have not gone through half of what you have, but i can understand your position nonetheless; this place is rough & humans are a wretched species.<br />
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"I trust no-one, and believe the only way out is through."<br />
- i agree; trust is foolish in such times, when society has clearly submitted to the malice humans possess. the majority sees in shades of cruelty & revenge; hate lingers more now than ever before & the fate of WW3 hangs on a thread drenched in oil, water, & religion.. but, since i believe this is all we have, i would still push through it to have the full extent of what little time we are given. such logic has deemed me depressed, foolish, young & stupid, as well as pessimistic. whatever you call it, to me, it's the only logic that makes a bit of sense today; trust no one, push through alone. if you don't let anything into your life that you're afraid to lose, then you can never lose anything important & you will never have to worry about backstabbing or heartache. i sympathize completely with you on this - trust now-a-days if foolhardy.<br />
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- to sum up, im sorry for the web of suffering life has weaved you. if there is such a thing as a god, it has surely shown only cruelty towards you & is not all-loving in any way. these are not tests, they are tragedies, yet you must push on & use the time that is given to you; however small or painful those seconds are, they are still seconds nonetheless. perhaps you need an escape as i do - a beach vacation where you just look out across the blue blanket of salt water crashing along the golden banks & sand bars, or a Sunday drive down a road at sunset, where all the mastery of the Sun spills across the roadway in shadows from the trees & pink clouds caress the fading light behind the silhouettes of the forest, or maybe you need write a book as i plan to, where inside i will pour my heart across hundreds of blank white pages & tell the world how i truly see it. while my escapes may not be the same for you, i trust you have something inside of you that you find beautiful; this thing will not change your view of the world - it will still be ****** as always - but maybe you can concentrate enough on the one beautiful thing you have, that you can push through the rest of your days & ultimately say, at the end of all things, that you made the best use of the time you had.<br />
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im sorry if this did not help, but i just thought you should know that your ideas are not foolish - to me they make loads of sense.

Gee, no comments no reactions no support and yet you viewed my story 43 times! I rest my case. Jean-Paul Sartre was right. There is no answer to existence. Everything including positive thinking, religion, 12-step, self help, Erhart seminar, gestalt, evangelism, children's fairy tales, the gospel and all the rest of it is a snare and a delusion. There are no easy answers so don't try to sell me your brand of salvation. I gave at the office. I am slowly getting out of my of my fix alone. How? Any encounter I make requires a contract, I trust no-one, and believe the only way out is through. None of us is getting out of this alive. I'll see you at the End and we can compare notes.