What Do I Want

I am completely obsessed with trying to be happy. I have so many random thoughts about being a nurse, going to college, starting my own business, being less shy, finding my soul, finding God, figuring out the purpose of it all, being normal, not feeling trapped, whether or not salvia divonorum could help me gain some spectacular insight into my life. I feel like I am losing my mind by trying to find purpose. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way but I feel like all of this random garbage in my head is pointless and then I top it off by feeling certain that there is no point to anything which just makes me want to cry because I want to know how to live so badly. I have a husband who says he loves me. I have two kids. I know they need me. I am not suicidal maybe only because of them. Forgive the run on sentence I just wrote what I could because these thoughts come out so fast that I just can not write fast enough. God is everyone like this, I annoy myself.
gazingupwards gazingupwards
36-40, F
2 Responses Feb 14, 2010

You know it is December 11, 2011 .. I still feel this way majority of the time, and I came to this site to read other peoples stories for inspiration, and managed to stumble upon my own. I never saw the comment before. It is nice to know that someone understands. I have tried to be more aware of others feelings and not allow myself to be so trapped in myself. I try to act in a more positive way around people and not drag others into my mental b.s. Who wants to hang out with or talk to someone who complains non<x>stop? One of the things I've done to help myself this year is to look for solutions to problems instead of allowing myself to be consumed by things to do. For example my son was diagnosed with dyslexia. I have been so frustrated trying to help him and work full time and still be there for my girl. There absolutely are not enough hours in the day. I hired a student to help my son. She is my angel. Now she works with him, I work with him, and have more time. Time is at least one key to feeling happier. Too much time and too little time are both enemies. Everything is all about balance, and though I am still not Miss Perky Perfection like I wish, I do feel after reading this that I have gotten somewhere in my life. Maybe one day i can find my calling.. but till then I'm trying my best to listen and look for it.

Hi im 22 and in college and feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY, everything you just said is true in my life... I always think well everything will just work out in the end, however, i've been feeling like since since i can remember, and its always the same. Drugs may help for the short while you are on them, but then its back to the same daily grind. I have done X, cocaine, mushrooms, smoked weed, Adderal.. and they are fine to experience and unlock certain aspects of yourself, however they are not life and i wouldn't recommend looking at them as some "divine intervention" thing. It all comes from within you and that is the part i am trying to figure out. It is driving me to the point of depression...i hate feeling like this, i am such a happy and positive and beautiful person. I just need SOMETHING....need to know something...need to act on my intentions. I feel stuck in a rut at all times and just dont know how to get out. <br />
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Sorry i did not have answers for you, just a soul that understands.