Married And Cheated On

I have been married to my husband for 6 1/2 years. We have 3 beautiful girls. I am 26 and he is 28.
I found out 4 months ago that he had an affair with a military female. I can't put into words how hurt, betrayed and angry I am. There are just no words. Not only that, but so very many lies came out once I found out about the affair. I didn't even know that man I was married to, that is how excellent of a liar he was/is.
Since finding out, we went to some counseling that make a big impact on him. Not me, though. I feel as though I just cannot bounce back from not only the cheating, but also ALL the lies told and hurtful things said/done to me.
Yesterday I told him I was done. My heart breaks for our little ladies, though. I tried so hard to stay with him and forgive/get over what he did, for my children...but it's too much. I cannot. I'm not a doormat, I am a person with feelings who has been betrayed and hurt beyond repair.
I am struggling SO much with being 26 and about to be divorced. Also just with EVERYTHING that has gone on. I feel no one understands and that since I know mostly conservative people, they are judging me. They don't understand what I've gone through, or how I can never be okay with anything physical between my husband and myself again. That is no way to live.
If you have any help or comments that will bring me any comfort, please feel free to write. I am open to the fact that maybe I am wrong and do need to keep trying for my children's sakes, as well.
Thanks for "listening".
Elizabethanne86 Elizabethanne86
26-30, F
33 Responses Feb 5, 2013

You are doing the right thing especially given you are young. He will likely do it again. Go find yourself a guy that loves you.

I'm still trying to decide what to do from a drunk make out my wife had with a stranger with me in the next room. Part of me wants to boot her, part wants to forgive.

Message me if you want to talk more

You were wronged...period
Kisses her forehead softly

You definitely are not alone in your situation. You are young and have already lost your trust as well as been hurt immensely. I was much older, yet had a very similar situation. I was hurt very badly.

If you ever wish to chat feel free to contact me.

All the best to you!

Are you in the military too ? Adultery is a crime in the military.

If he is in the military you need to speak to his company commander of his battalion commander. If she is in the military then you need to speak to hers. I was in the Army
and no one likes a cheater.

She could get demoted, lose her security clearance or get kicked out of the military.

Some states allow you to sue the offending party, in this case it would be her; for alienation of affections. In other words she cheated with your husband and caused the divorce so you can sue her for damages. There are only a few states that allow this though.

Do not allow either of them to get the best of you. Don't back down one inch.
You have to do this for yourself as well as your three young children.

BTW, even if there is nothing legal that results from you (or your lawyer) informing her chain of command (supervisors ) at least you will embarrass and humiliate her.

It won't take long before everyone knows what she did and she will lose face in front of everyone. Especially other married soldiers and women.

I called his company commander who was apologetic, but said this happens a lot and was unwilling to do anything about it. He also really likes my husband and would never demote him :( I tried everything.

Is he enlisted or an officer ?
You need to speak to other wives in you unit and maybe wives in the wive's clubs.

I am not sure that his commander does not have the right to not do anything about it.

Get the wives involved. When the wives of soldiers get pissed off, things happen.

And Go to JAG.

Is he living with you or has he moved to the barracks ?

Article 134 - adultery

BTW, good luck.

That is one cold plate you want to serve there.

2 More Responses

My sincerest apologies. No one should ever feel this kind of pain.

My condolences for you & your daughter's..when you found out he was cheating on you....what were your initial thoughts?

Complete disbelief. I was shocked. Then anger.

What was most shocking?

Elizabethanne, I feel for you, but you are brave to get a divorce. i am not there yet, I am still trying to hang on for my boys sake but its really hard. I hope I find the courage you did soon because it really does hurt like hell :(

I am taking the advice of some of the people on here and taking one day at a time.
I do not want to make a decision in anger or hurt. That could be a huge mistake and  regret. Read some of the first comments on my story, they are very encouraging and have some good advice!
I am sorry you are going through this too :( It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through (and thats saying a lot b/c I've been through a deployment with him even having our 2nd child while he was married life hasn't been easy). Feel free to message me and vent or just to talk it out. We are in the same boat...

The sake is for your little ones! You care for them deeply. its yourlife that matters the most for them. if the person is able to do what they have done once, they are able to do it again! you want to be there for them. you need to be happy though cause if they see your sadness it will reflect on them! I'm so sorry to here of what has happened. You need to move forward. if you don't you will just be trapped in a misery. then mind will forever know that!

Sex is not everything. Men need more and often fail to see why they don't get enough at home.

If your husband had more or less just sex with this other woman then there is hope.

Don't turf him. You are young, but so is he. At 26 and 28 you are barely grown up. Look at your life and ask how much part you had in his cheating. I'm dead serious. You are partially responsible, no matter what you want to believe.

Sex is not sacred to men in the same way it is to women. It never will be. But if you don't understand why he cheated on you, you will just keep having this problem. That doesn't mean it was something you did, it could be something you didn't do. As simple as really seeing him for who he is. I mean his real true and beautiful self.
It could be that you chose an ******* to get married to. In any case come to grips with your portion of the responsibility, or you will always be the victim.
Think about it. The victim is powerless, if you understand how your actions or inaction caused the situation, you are now in power. You are both offender and victim.

Whatever happens, take care of your children. That may mean swallowing some self righteous pride and forgiving your husband.

Any Christian knows unconditional love is THE foundation of Jesus teaching, but do you really know what that means?

That is some hard, but excellent advice. I have looked at myself, and I am definitely working on a lot. Thank you for being honest and reminding me that I need to show unconditional love, because that is what I've been shown by God. A lot to think about.

If he deeply regrets his affair, and is asking forgiveness, you are able to show that love, by reconciling with him.

It may be that you end your marriage, but if you are open to heal...

Men cheat for many reasons. Often they are clinically depressed or on the verge of depression. When they are there, it is easy to justify almost any behavior. Getting away with cheating is an ego boost. Just like how many depressed women become cleptomaniacs. They steal needless things, and often have enough money to buy them. Men have sex with other women because it's getting away with something naughty, that can often be had at home. It's stupid, but men dont truly consider the consequences of their actions when they are vulnerable to cheating.

Good luck!

All i can say my deer is deer he one is a very silly man for a silly bit of Stupidity i hope uare fine with your girls good luck lovexxx

Please take a moment to cool off. Dont make any decision right now. Do separate, and tell him that unless he goes to therapy and works on this (his ability to lie, his lack of consciense, and his lack of integrity) you will divorce him. You have a responsibility to your daughters to have a father that has integrity, cares about their wellbeing and they can count on. Give him the chance to change but tell him to leave the house while he sorts this out, right now you cant be looking at him every day, he must leave. I think he will see you are serious and get help. You have three girls, and at the very least you must be in peace with the fact that you did everything possible to save the marriage, but he needs to get help. Period. I know exactly how you feel, last May I found out that my husband of almost 27 years had a double life. He also cheated sporadically before it became "an addiction". An addiction to seduce women on dating sites, dining and wining them, paying for everything... All the while I was dealing with a daughter's eating disorder, two other kids and a full time job. Now Im 49, no real career to depend on, one kid about to go to College and the other two still in College. He had stopped the behavior 5 months prior to me finding out ( I hacked everything since I found the file he kept with all passwords, pictures, etc), now its been a year since his last email to another woman but I am struggling SO much. If I had known about this when it started, I would have done what I told you. You are so young, and your children too, but if you have family support, you will make it and you wil find a man that loves you enough to say NO, I wont hurt my wife, I love, I respect my wife, I respect my family....mine obviously didnt at the time and now...I struggle with everything, he says he loves me, but he said that before, then WHY did he cheat? Because he didnt love me.....enough. Good luck!

You look very beautiful and sound like an excellent mother, sometimes **** happens not only do you not deserve to be hurt he doesn't deserve you - he was suppose to be there serving our country to keep it safe for you, his family. Not insert his manhood in some hoochie

And i have to wonder if divorce helps the hurt get better? I just dont know the answer. So I keep hanging on.

I am in a similar place. Two kids 10 and 12, and thinking divorce is all I can do. I am crushed by the very thought of my husband sharing anything with another woman. I am so sad. Counseling helps him, I see some changes too in him. But why am I so sad and he is moving forward? It seems wrong. It just feels wrong. Sometimes there is not explanation I guess. Hang in there.

It is very important to honor yourself, but please take time with this. It may just take time and in time, you will know. I don't care if people have drifted apart or whatever, no intimacy thing, if you guys weren meant to be together this is a massive test and you're going to have to get through it. If not, you have another shot at someone providing you the love that you have always dreamed of. Take all the time in the world for you and your kids.

The Bible says divorce is a necessary evil. If your spouse cheats on you or passes, you are free from that marriage. It will be a tough road but keep the Lord near and you will not be alone in your wall through this.

Play him you will fell better

I hate cliches but the times a healer thing is something that is true in the sense that it gives you clarity and new perspectives. I really believe no matter what the situation is trust within a relationship is what is most vital to keep it healthy, and if that is gone whether temporarily or forever it cannot work without it and I can totally understand how torn apart you must be feeling right now. I think you have done the right thing for yourself,your children and even for your ex. Because it is far worse to fake your feelings for a greater good, it does not work and usually makes situations like these much more difficult in the long run. Staying in a broken relationship for the sake of the children is not good for the children. Focusing on your own emotional and physical well being is as important for them as it is for you. You and your ex will always be in each others lives because of your children, and I think that in time things will feel a lot clearer. If he is a good father to your children that is important to maintain, but I do not believe it should ever be a defining reason to stay in a marital relationship. It's different from being a partner and what he did violated the trust between you and that will hurt like hell. Yes people make mistakes, we're so fallible as human beings, but every individual situation is different, and unique, and it all boils down to trusting our feelings and instincts which is what you need to focus on. Make sure you have good support systems someone you can talk to who is non judgemental and don't bottle things in, try and do something new, something simple that is just for yourself- after my relationship broke down I started Pilates for example and it just gave me something twice a week for me away from everything going on in my life that was a simple task that shut off my brain. Its not easy to put yourself back together but its the little things that help keep you going, and eventually it will get easier, you will look at things in a different way. Focus on the day to day,and try and keep your chin up, and focus on you. Take care.

People having affairs is a very common thing unfortunately.Life has lots of turns and hills to climb.It's a expected thing to be faithful,the white picket fence fairy tale.But! even if neither of you are unfaithful, there are other issues to over come.It's a hard call to make,only you know you.You either have it in you to start again and wipe the slate clean,or you don't.People do make mistakes,and as big as it is;this is your husbands cross to bare.If it is just a one off affair,maybe you could give him the benefit of the bout.Take each day as it comes,it will take time.What did you see in him to say yes I could spend my life with him,go back there to those thoughts;remember and give it a go.Life wasn't meant to be easy.It's a journey.

I know how betrayal feels. I was there just a year and a half ago. I found out my (now, not then) wife was still talking to an ex -- not nearly as devastating as what you're dealing with I realize, but all the same a hammer to the heart, and one that made me, like you, question our future. It took many months before I could forgive....AND trust again. I realize children create further complications and you being their mom want the best for them AND you.

I see a lot of folks wrote to just leave him, and yes that might be the right thing to do, however, in the chance that its not, take things day by day. Decide for yourself if you can someday trust him again. I did. It wasn't easy, but as the days turned to weeks and those to months, I learned to forgive her for that mistake.

Hope you find your way.....

It is very common to men to have an affair. But you see weather he is loving them or you. I have a wife and three children. I had many encounters and had sex with different women but I never lost love on my wife and children. I never left them. In fact my wife never knows that I had sex with some women. She absolutely believes that I am for her alone.What to do I am very weak in this area I like to enjoy as many as I get. So far I enjoyed around 200 women. Now I am 50. I stopped all and staying with her alone. Not even trying to have also. But some times my mind stimulates me to find a foreigner as I am an Indian, I never tasted. whites or blacks,except only Indians see the desire of my heart. But it is true. Human heart is so deceitful. I weep many times to avoid wrong emotions in me. there are times when I rejected women who offered sexual favor to me many times. Some times I am good some times I am bad. Truth is that I can even die for my children I love them more than my self. If my wife knows my bad definitely she will through me away. I am lucky she never had a doubt also. Every man is a moon and has a dark phase which will not be open to others as we are not knowing each other I am writing truth. At first when I red your story my mind asked me to write to you saying that I also had a bitter experience with my wife and I wish divorce from her and if you like I will marry you. See how my bad heart is..? I request you if your husband is willing to stay with you and loves your children, better not to go for other man. Love is the trick of the heart to fool the mind. Real love is love of mother and father. Never expect love from your husband just you give it to him. Love is an egotism it is better to fall in love with GOD. My suggestion is that you stop love fightings& possessiveness and join with your husband. You know actually sex is holy but not love.Love it is a grave and mental disease. Sex is a call of flesh just your husband underwent it. Please do not frustrate him just join with him.
May GOD bless you.

hey Elizabeth i do understand what your going through and yes it does hurt and you do not deserve it, i think being separated and you finding yourself again without him is what you need sure its going to be hard but i believe you loving yourself and treating yourself respectfully will out way it in the end and you will find love again some day from someone who doesn't play games

u can go for another life partner who loves u and ur kids ..

Dr. Phil, says it best. It is better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one. You deserve better. Good luck, hugs!

I was married to a man that betrayed me and I went back. We were 23. Later, I was pregnant and married. I was with this man for 18 years. I have 2 daughters from that marriage. He repeatedly betrayed me. I did not want to deal with it. I had children. Until 1 day, I met a man that made me feel again. I forgot that I could feel again! I did not have an affair. I tried to fix my marriage instead! For my children.

I lost a man I could have had an amazing relationship with.
I worked on something so broken for children that used to ask me when I was going to leave him!!!

I am 50 now. I am alone. My children are all grown up. I can probably find someone... but that's another story.

If you are not happy, go find your happiness. You only live once girl!



You have the right to be angry. He needs a spanking if I'd be asked.In the midst of the rush of anger and emotion, please pause for a moment and ask yourself, why did this guy do this?, before you ask yourself, why did this guy do this to me?. Eliminate the packaging of his reactions about it: lies and lies and lies. Try to talk to him more to get earnest answers from his stand point, not from yours. Let him know, no matter how nasty the answers are, honesty is what will heal your hearts.Differentiate his wrongs and his goods. What you are looking for is if he neglected the relationship. NEGLECT. Neglect comes after selfishness, the biggest relationship killer. Don't use his lies to qualify the element of neglect, since a drowning person will hold onto an alligator to live, though it will bite his limb. People will hold onto anything when protecting something bigger. The lies may have been to protect himself from loosing the lady he knows deep in his heart is his friend, or they may have been a strategy to excuse his selfish behavior. Does he care about his relationship with you or does he care about the money he'll loose with child support.Lovers are hard hard hard to come around, and a lover can make a mistake, but he will take responsibility and prove his love. Many marriages are full of selfish selfish people, who in turn are hurting other people.Your husband may have been living a life on the edge and fell off, but he did not willingly neglect the relationship. All he needs to do is STOP living a life on the edge. You can mostly tell that if the relationship was initiated by the other woman (you can tell that because you should know if your man is a women's man or not) and/or if it happened when he was vulnerable, e.g. when both of you were going through some differences, arguments or difficulty or work/financial problems. During these times, people are can snap and stumble, and someone living at the edge will fall off the cliff, while someone not living at the edge will fall within the perimeter of safety.If this happened while everything was normal and his reasons do not add up, then this guy is hiding something, and you are the best judge to find out what he's hiding, probably he has done this for a longer time than you know he has.In short, I think he needs to come clean, and let you judge.Please don't make your verdict while in the whirlwind of anger, betrayal and all that. Pause, listen to the evidence, then take your time to decide. You are the best judge. None of us here in EP or at the salon should just tell you what to do, because every relationship between two people is as unique as their DNAs.I wish you the strength and wisdom to do what you have to do. I wish you happiness.And if you decide to keep him, define new ground rules, which are necessary for any relationship. One of them should be, NOT LIVING AT THE EDGE.

Hi, I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I support your decision to leave, once the trust has gone, it will never be there again..not really. Even if you try to work at things, quite often, the situation is raised during conflicts and arguments. Be strong, follow your heart and protect your children.

If the conservative people prove in their on way (give them time) that they are not there for you then, this could be an exciting change for you in the future. This could be the storm before the calm, instead of the saying calm before the storm :0)

Patience never goes unrewarded,just this thing bear in your mind.Pray to God and ask him to show both of you the right path in order to solve your problems and save your marriage.

I know I'm young, what do I know? But I think I can help you. I look at your picture, and if that is you, I see a very innocent, simple, beautiful woman who wants nothing more than a simple life, a worthy and trustworthy husband, and more. Your husband cheated on you, I'm so sorry he hurt you. I feel like all women in the world are my sisters, because we are women, and only we understand what one another is going through. However, in this particular situation, you understand more, because you and only you endured it, felt the pain, the betrayal. Some can relate to you, but all relationships have their differences. I want to just tell you to o what ever your heart tells you to do. In the long run, you want to look back and be happy with what you've done, changes you've made for the better. You have to choose, not us, and whatever you choose, us younger women will learn from you because like I said, you understand more. You are only 26, soooo young! Theres time, there always is time at 26. There's a reason you found out now, and not when you're 46! Dont' allow yourself to live with pain, it will make your hair fall, make you old, weak... find a solution within yourself to make you strong, happy! I understand you have daughters, beautiful daughters! However you are young yourself, and a human as well who deserves the right thing. You have to think about them, and wonder if this was them, what would you want them to do? They will learn from you. If you settle an unhappy life with him, they may make that mistake too one day. He cheated once, that's bad and enough! I've heard once a cheater always a cheater. he can't just stop because you've caught him! What if you never caught him? then what? that makes it okay?......................... my advice is listen to your dreams literally...if you have dreams at night and he is not in them, or your're dreaming of a life without him...that is what you desperately want then. And this i know. Listen to all the signs, and go from there :)

Also I feel like since there isn't love there (on my part), why stay? Will I ever be able to love him again? I tell myself that isn't possible.

Thank your for your heartbreaking story. I am 68 years old and I've been married to a wonderful woman for 42 years. We have nothing in common at all, and we've had our ups and downs, but we're still together and there is much love and gratitude on both sides.
Now, I understand one hundred percent how you feel. Trust, once lost, is not easy to rebuild. But you say the counselling had a "big impact" on him. If that is the case, then perhaps you should give him a chance to rebuild the trust and prove that he's a different man. Is he contrite? Is he remorseful? Has he come to realize that losing his family wasn't worth whatever pleasure he got out of the affair? Has he come to the point where he is simply appalled by what he did? Is he so ashamed that thinking about it makes him feel like jumping off a bridge?
Dr. Joy Brown on her radio program used to suggest that a betrayed woman ask her husband three questions:
1: Why did it happen? And his first answer will be, "I don't know." But that's not an acceptable answer. He needs to dig deeper and answer that question for himself as well as for you. Maybe he already has in the counseling sessions.
2: How do I know that it won't happen again? And he needs to give you a serious answer to this.
3: What do I get if it does happen again? This means, if there is something he has that is very important to him, whether it's a boat, whether it's a sportscar, whether it's an autographed baseball bat, something that means A LOT to him that he wouldn't want to lose. And you guys draw up a written contract that says that if it happens again, you get that item to sell, or destroy, or do whatever you want with it. And that will be an extra guarantee that it won't happen again.
Then, he begins building trust. This means that you have the right to see all his e-mail accounts any time you want, you get to see his cellphone any time you want. He must conduct his life so that he will never have anything to hide. If he really shows that he sincerely regrets what he did, then perhaps you can begin to trust him a little bit again, and then over time, wounds can heal, and this will become simply a chapter in your lives, rather than the overwhelming disaster it seems now.
Please don't be in a hurry to break up your home, for the sake of the little ones. They need and deserve an intact home with two parents, and joint custody on alternate weekends just doesn't cut it. You should, I hope, want to forgive him if he gives you sufficient reason to do so.
The product of all of this ultimately is wisdom.

He has completely changed. 100%. I see it daily. The angry part of me doesn't want to or feel like giving him another chance. He cries about losing us. He wishes he could take back what he did. But he can't and that is where I hurt. I was his first, he was my first, and now there is/was another woman. There are no words....

I know. But it's only been four months. The wound is still fresh. This is just as painful as a death in the family and it must be grieved over before you can heal. You cannot expect to "get over it" in a few months. Healing from something like this takes time. This is why I say, don't be in a big hurry to break up the home. Many divorcees come to feel that the divorce was the biggest mistake they ever made. It is not a decision that should be made in the grip of anger or pain.
You have to give yourself, as well as him, time to come back from this.

I feel your pain! And being in a relationship where I've been cheated on, lied to and had names thrown at me by the person I loved with all my heart, I can tell you, you truly never get "over it" - at least not in my case. I don't love him like I used to and I always have those bad memories. Four years and two babies later, I came on this site as an outlet because I'm feeling the same exact way I did four years ago (read my story). Bottom line is, do what you feel is right for you and your girls! Don't worry about others views because they haven't been in your shoes, they haven't felt your pain and betrayal. I chose to continue a relationship with him and may very well be stuck in the same situation. You're not making a bad decision. Do what YOU feel is right. Best of luck to you!

I will read your story when my girls take a nap. Thank you for the encouragement!

I don't think you ever really get over it, but the passing of time numbs the pain and helps you sort things out. The "million dollar question" is...are you better off with this person or without them? Personally I've found that just taking life a day at a time is about the best course of action you can take, then ask yourself the "million dollar question" once in awhile, and if you're not happy with your life, change it.

Realize and know, you are not alone. When I walked in on my wife and another man I was devastated like you. Everyone said "give it 3 months and if it isn't better, move on..". I gave it 3 months and it was a little better, so I stayed. A year later she had another affair, and unbelievably, I'm still in the marriage, although sometimes I tell myself, "Dude you are crazy, LEAVE." But at this point in life when I consider all the complications a divorce would bring, the answer to the million dollar question seems to be "hang in there a little longer".

All the best to you and your kiddos.

Thank you.
That "million dollar question" keeps comes to mind every day. I go back and forth and back and forth some more. One day I decide I will stay. The very next day...I'm over it ALL. I'm just confused and hurt. :/ Hard question to answer.

firstable im so sorry u have to go true this . with ur loser husband.kiss I behind goodbye. u don't need to be the spear . u his wife and if he was filling to go with other girl and have and affair. why he wasn't a men and tell u and go with ur lives I know is hard u have to little angels but u are a person who deserve respect and love and if he is doing this to u how the u going to boulive in him. u any 26 good bless u young women I wish I was 26 lol. find help at church or counselor u need to make ur life work all over again. give ur self respect and trow that garbage away. best of look,