What I Didn't Expect And Continues To Rewind In My Head Of Potential Cheating

I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and we've always been much in love and inseperable. I know what the situation I'm going to tell you isn't a big deal but you always trust your gut feelings right? 

I was on my boyfriend's computer and wanted to go on my facebook. I didn't realize it automatically went on his but  saw it was his profile and had a gut feeling of wanting to check his messages, so yes I went through his private profile inbox, which I know is wrong. What I saw was a convo thread between his female co worker and him. I noticed he sent her a message first telling her how it was so nice seeing her earlier at work! The second thread read, I just wanted to take the time to tell you how I missed you! The girl replied, awww me too I miss you and how cute. His reply said, no problem not as cuter as you. He insisted and was asking about school and insisted that they should take classes together. At this point I was beginning to take a simple guy flirt into an invitation to hang out.

I have confronted him about this and he says there's obviously nothing going on and that I'm reading too into it. The thread of the messages keep rewinding in my head and each time I remember the words of I miss you and your cute,  I get so upset, sad and dissappointed. I mean I have the right to feel this way? 

Bottom line, with talking to another girl I believe there should be boundaries of words you say to each other especially when you're in a relationship. I know there are many guys out there that flirt and their girls are secure and find with it...well that's them and how they handle situations and majority of relationships that I've seenstarted off like that ended for the worst. I'm a concern girlfriend and If I didn't love him, I wouldn't give a daym at all about what I read between another female and him. I know what's wrong, this is wrong and its been 2 days later and I still haven't got over it. He hasn't admitted anything was wrong about that conversation. I must have cried till the river dried last night. 

Please give me some advice about this situation. He loves me and I know he does but this other girl and co-worker he'll see often bothers me. I've never been insecure, but my insecurities showed with this situation. 
joanteee joanteee
16 Responses May 29, 2010

I'm not here to attack anyone...you brought up profiles, so I looked at yours. I'm sorry there's not a lot of love in your life...that is a tragedy for anyone.<br />
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What exactly is it about my profile that you think is so bad? That I'm comfortable with my sexuality? That I enjoy my life? That I don't have any hang ups about what other people do with their privates? That I do not feel a useless, poisonous emotion like jealousy? Did you notice that I also like old movies and books, or that I love my cat? Or that I've traveled around the world?<br />
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See, I didn't come to EP to trumpet my problems so I could get an internet hug like it seems you and a lot of other people have. Yeah, I wasn't being a "nice guy" and I realize I came off smarmy, because I meant to. But seriously, every other person that commented told you guys exactly what you wanted to hear and I didn't and I won't apologize for that.

SameDifference , congratulations on being a so rude. I told joanteee to check your your profile and not listen to someone like you. I still feel the same way.If you wanted to attack me you should have done it elsewhere. This is about joanteee, so let's be on the same page. I'll say again she needed a look at your groups and see what a mess You were before you broke her heart.Thankfully, she was a strong person and was momentarily on her knees with hurt when you tried to rub her nose in it and<br />
the attitude you used is why I did look at you profile.Unless you've changed a lot I would still stand strong on what I said.<br />
As for me, I'm 58, have a son your age, I have been diagnosed with ADHD, I am on meds., and I have a lot of issues going on. That's why I came here to ep. I'm here to give and get help from people that are like me. How can you tell me to sit and wait for God to call me Home when you are an Atheist?<br />
And seriously, there is not much love in my life. It's been an adventure tho to get to my age and believe it or not you'll be my age one day and will see for yourself. As for judging people on thier profules, you have ony shown yourself to be exactly as your profile, and, by the way I would not have even looked if it if I had not wanted to have my thoughts straight before wanting to help this young woman to not listen to the likes of someone like your profile made You look.

Love has no boundaries. Only people have boundaries. <br />
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Think about that.

First of all Samedifference, I am not possessive nor controlling towards my man, you have no right to analyze me through a situation I wanted to vent out through this blog with what we have. You don't know me and I don't know you. We're communicating and reading each other through advice (yes I'll take it or I'll simply ignore it, cool!) I have the rights as anyone in a relationship "to question." If you don't question, how would you ever know? I don't like assuming nor guessing he's doing this. I'm not going to be submissive or oblivious to anything....what you did leave off is that love has boundaries of what's unnecessary. Sure you can trust but seriously human nature I am not perfect and will wonder and have the tiny bit of insecurities, heck we're all insecure! Most of us front like we're not and that's fine, that's them individually. <br />
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No matter what age you are, or how long you've been in a relationship is no excuse for me to confide in you. I don't know you nor your relationship. Don't expect me to respect what you say to me when you say **** to me like its my fault for feeling this way. You can learn to use your words better. I would hate to be a person who seeks advice from you all the time. They'd have to be screwed up and dysfunctional by now!<br />
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Again, thanks for your advice! Also please don't be rude to other folks on here. That is not cool and you as a 34 year old should know better!

First of all I am 34 years old and have been in a relationship for the last 5 years, which (if you are capable of math) means over twice as long as you and your man have been together. So your theory that I "don't show no love nor has ever experienced recieving it" is false. Nice grammar by the way.<br />
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Secondly, BCBoomer, what the hell do you know about me? If profiles are all you want to talk about, yours looks like an old lady with a bundle of psychological issues. What 60 year old has ADHD? Go to a doctor and grab some depression meds and wait for God to call you home. Seriously...all your experiences are about pain or depression or sadness. Where's the love in your life?<br />
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And here's a tidbit for all of you. Love is not jealousy. Love is not freaking out over stupid text messages. Love is being open and honest. You are possessive and controlling and your man will get that sooner or later.

You Go Girl!! I'm so happy it worked out!Seems like I 'm hearing good thingsabout everybody today!Your friend,<br />

Hey Samedifference, how old are you? Don't need to sound blunt but I picture you as a insecure lonely individual who don't show no love nor has ever experienced recieving it. You lack communication in any relationship or if you've ever been in a real successful relationship that is. <br />
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Me and my man are doing just fine and you know what this situation made us even stronger and he was glad I brought this up and was concern about "us," before you pass judgement or give "helpful" advice, please know how it feels to go through a similar experience. You probably have never felt a girl or guy (whatever you like) care for you too deeply to even bring up a matter to "work something out" Thanks for your lovely advice though, I appreciate ignorant responses. It makes me more secure about situations that I went through that there are men out there that are so far up on themselves and complete a**holes. I love my man and he respects me and listens to me because he loves me and was concern as well and figured yes he f'd up! At least he was man enough to admit it!<br />
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By the way thanks BCBoomer58 for your thoughts and gettin' my back! I actually thought it was a joke when I read Samedifference response, lol it made my day actually! lol<br />
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God Bless!

Please ignore what SameDifference said, pleaseI Please go to his profile before you listen to to his <br />
"helpful advice". It is exactly the way this man would would leave a comment! <br />
I hope you are doing well. Take Care

You're reading way too much into it. Trust me, if he sees this girl everyday and was doing something wrong...it wouldn't be on the internet (unless your man is the dumbest cheater ever). <br />
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These aren't even words he's saying to her face! <br />
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Think about it. If he was banging her, the messages in his inbox would be waaaay saucier.<br />
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BTW, you might want to look through his cell phone and e-mail daily just so you can sleep at night.<br />
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OR....you can draw up a contract that tells him what he can and cannot say tp people when you aren't around and let him sign it so that you can sue him later.<br />
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OR...you can apply for a job at his place of business so you can watch him.<br />
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If I was your man I'd go ahead and do the other chick. Seems like he's already paying for dinner, he might as well eat it.

Absolutely. I was wondering how things were going for you. Yeah, it was big time f-up that was not to be seen by you. If this is how your relationship has been for more than this, I do caution you to keep your eyes open, but if over all it has been a good one except for this, I see how you would want to work it out. I told you earlier that only you know if he is a worthy person. I f you can't feel love , comfort, trust you might ought to let him go, because you did say he was throwing a guilt trip on you,has he stopped that? Does he have an attitude if you bring it up? Are you feeling good with things with you and him or still feeling doubt? If you still have really strong feelings concerning it - Well I hope all is well but in my experience, my instincts were always right, and I would just show a "distance" with him, like subtly avoiding him and if he notices check out his reaction. He will always deny, always, or say it meant nothing Always. He will not offer any info you do not ask for.<br />
I pray things go well and please let me know how you are!!! Hugs, BCBoomer58

Thank you all for your connections and sharing your similar experiences. I was looking for a place to really write what I was feeling and this website sure helped especially with the responses I've gotten from people willing to give me their thoughts.<br />
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At the moment my boyfriend keeps saying its nothing and he admit it was a minor **** up and I wasn't meant to see that. He sees how much this is bothering and agreed to not associate himself with this girl again. He is a really great guy and I wouldn't have invest over 2 years if he wasn't. He is 21 and I'm 26, I realize he is young (I myself is too) and sometimes yea he needs to let it out with flirting as a guy and it so happen I caught him with that thread. Other advice I've gotten from my sisters is to let him go and date other people, maybe he needs to experience other woman since I am really his 1st serious long term relationship. I hate that thought but just to see what he thought about it I asked him, he didn't want that at all, he really wants us to work. <br />
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I'm moving on from this but I'm going to be cautious and continue strong communication with him. Trust is so easy in relationships through books, Dr. Phil but human nature with yourself and your gut feelings is always what's right. Trust to me has to be built and secure in yourself and within the relationship. If that doesn't succeed I feel there really is no point to be in the relationship at all, right?<br />
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Thank you all!

Girl, you are completely right to be feeling hurt and betrayed by this. Those are not words that should be said by a guy with a girlfriend to another girl! <br />
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I was in a pretty similar situation. I only found out that my boyfriend cheated after finding text messages on his phone similar in tone to the facebook messages that you read. Did you find out more about the two? Does he have her phone number?<br />
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Forgive me for being so cynical, but in my experience, I also tried to give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and was let down. My advice would be to confront him, and nip this in the bud. If he really cares about you, he'll see how much this is bothering you and stop what he is doing.<br />
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Best of luck!

I hope you are spared the pain of betrayal joanteee , I hope he will man up and be honest with you and maybe he will. It may or may not be what you want to hear and also if he's a decent man that has never given you cause to doubt him before, you may be able to work through it. But never, never let him give you guilt trips, that is defensive and unfair of him. He should not care what you see of his and you should feel comfortable enough with him to ask him anything you want. And it works both ways. I have been there, done that, and felt pain on my part but good about knowing I was better. It did not come all at once. But I did find happiness,still have it. Mine was a cheater, I left , thought life was over , but I did find love with a good man.<br />
I don't know how this turns out for you , but if he's worth it you ask him anything you like. You better believe he would be asking plenty if it was turned around ,even though he'll deny that too. Until this is resolved, don't ever forget that you are doing the right thing. It's you who makes the decision. I'm sorry to know you are going thru this because the not knowing and the knowing might be equally painful.

I had something the same happen to me, only it was true my girl freind was seeing someone else, I done the same thing as you I fell in her ( private world ) and the message's I found told me all I had to know.<br />
I told her about what I found, and she had to tell me, because it was very clear in the massage's I found what was going on.<br />
I stayed with her ( yes I know I'm stupid ) and now she block's everthing to make sure I can't see her ( pravate world ) I still think she's at it.<br />
I can only say to you next time you can get in this private world say nothing, because all they will do is stop you from seeing what they are doing, that way you can't find out what is really going on.<br />
Don't feel guilty, you did the right thing to have a look.

Thanks BCBoomer58, your words kept me at ease and I'm glad there are other people out there who would feel the same way as me in my situation. Its somewhat so manipulative how he makes me feel guilty for feeling this way because I'm starting to tell myself I'm overreacting a bit and need to get over myself. <br />
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Like that Stevie wonder song "lately" a part of the lyrics read "Hope my premonition misses of what I really feel, my eyes won't let me hide because they always start to cry." <br />
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Have a peaceful day.

You are no more insecure than about a billion or so others are. Yes, you feel guilty for invading his privacy, but then how else would you ever know?<br />
In a long term serious relationship I agree there should be boundaries on what type conversations our S.O. should have with other people ,especially if it's not public. He might finally say what's going on and it may be nothing . But if there is or something is about to happen, (this is my opinion and experience) they will deny it forever and attempt to make it look like it's your own problem. <br />
If he's worth it, try to work it out, but never feel you don't have a good reason to wonder and don't let him lay the guilt trip on you. He will talk it thru with you or If not I would feel exactly like you. <br />
Good Luck