I Caught My Boyfriend Arranging To Have Sex With Someone Else! Cheating?

My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 2 years when I found some messages that he was sending a girl basically arranging to meet up and have sex. At the time I was very distraught, but the thought of leaving him didn't even cross my mind. He said all the right things and I forgave him. I even sent the girl a message asking if anything happened and she said it was all just talk. For the next month or so he was the sweetest thing ever, and I know that he truly felt guilty and regretted what he did. I asked him why he had done this, and he responded with "I don't know, I stuffed up, and I promise I won't do anything wrong by you again!". I decided to snoop through his emails and i found messages that were sent to about 3 differebt girls that were full of innappropriate flirting, when i looked at the date that they were sent I was hoping that we weren't together at that time, but it turns out that we were together for about 4 months at that stage. A few months later he asked me to marry him and I said yes, after all it was what I always wanted. We were happily together for a few more months and had a huge engagement party. Now approaching our 3 year anniversary I cannot stop thinking about the fact that he was arranging to sleep with someone else and that I can't trust him. I keep thinking is this how I want to live forever? I feel miserable, but I'm scared to leave him because I live his family and I'm embarrassed to break up the engagement after my parents spend so much money on it and so many people attended. I dont think i will ever find anyone quite like him. I also know that he loves me more than ever, perhaps as much as I once loved him, and I don't want to leave him heart broken. Why has this memory come back to haunt me, and I why can't I just be the girl I used I be. I used to make him cakes, be excited to see him, but now I just love being alone, and I can't stop finding faults in him. He constantly tells he how much he loves me and is always treating me well, and it would break his heart to leave him now. What should I do?? -scared and confused
missscared missscared
18-21
May 13, 2012