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My Man Cheated On Me - Then Told Me

My boyfriend of 5 years recently admitted that he was seeing someone else for the first few months of our relationship - he has not specified for how many months.

I had previously come out of a 13 year relationship with a serious 'cheater' and have 2 kids by this previous relationship. My new (current) man had just finished a 13 year marriage - claiming that he too had been cheated on. I spilled my guts to this guy. The relationship was (in my eyes) fantastic. I thought I had found 'the' guy - sensitive, loving, great in bed and good looking - better than I could have ever hoped for at my age and stage in life.

BUT....there was always this gut feeling that something was amiss.... I put it down to my suspicious mind due to past life experience. I found him always just that little bit reserved - put it down to his past experience.....even when I accidently found in his browsing history '****' sites - which I put down to any red blooded man doing what is accepted as normal - even though these seemed a bit more like a 'search for real action'.

There were a few text messages from women come thru....also accepted by me, as he runs his own business and generally deals with many women.....even tho some seemed a bit 'cosy'.

When I voiced any concerns, he assured me that things were fine and I was just being paranoid......he even proposed - saying "that if it makes you feel better".... I didn't say no, but things just seemed to get forgotten about......he also suggested moving in together - but this has been forgotten about too.

Why did he recently tell me that he was in a relationship when he met me, which continued for a 'few months' before he decided to end it 'for my sake'... That's when things blew my mind right apart.

Now I just find myself continually wondering what I am doing with this man, who listened to me relating the hurt of being cheated apon by my ex, and how I loathed anyone who cheated on someone who loved them......he listened and agreed - citing his own failed marriage - blaming it on his ex for cheating on him.......when all the time he was doing it to me.

Now he gets angry whenever I raise the topic. I just cannot understand it at all. Sort of makes me feel guilty for bringing it up again....even tho I feel we have never discussed this thing fully so that I can start to get my head and heart around it. Keeps stating he is going to try his hardest to make it up to me and that I should just forget it.......(?)

I have a lot to offer in a relationship, in the way of real estate and assets, for which I have worked long and hard for..... I am no longer sure of myself - am I being paranoid....he says he told me the truth because he felt guilty????????
But then says he feels so bad about the hurt he has caused me and says the work he is doing to make this up should be appreciated.....is this sick or what??????? He loves my farm and my lifestyle - hunting, fishing, gardening.

Can anyone read into this mess.....because it is doing my head in big time! What is this man doing? The worst thing is, I have had to go away for a months work and I am so angry with him and I am sitting stewing on it every day. Going over and over it in my head til it gets quite messed up.

We are only speaking via email at the moment (everything's getting worse). I was a bit cool towards him when he rang (definitely not abusive or anything... just cool) so looks like he has given up ringing.....although he emails any news of my farm!!!!

So what the?????? Any advice? Or looking at the story can anyone give me their thoughts? Always better coming from 'new eyes'.

I am ready to make my stand and become the independent solo being that I always have been.......he has done well to make me very financially dependent on him.... but I am not stupid and have kept things manageable if need be.....
he has guarded himself well - I now nothing of his finances - he knows all of mine.

Thought I loved this man - now after all I've been thru before - think I've been 'had' again!
Moleo Moleo 51-55, F 1 Response Dec 8, 2012

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hi, a lot of the things you write about I feel I am also going though. You might have more experience in relationships and life in general for I am young. But I can somehow relate. For example, please don't feel guilty for even bringing the topic up when you did with him. I used to do the same thing and my ex would get mad. I honestly felt like maybe something was wrong with ME and I am being too paranoid... so i would let it go as you did. My ex also cheated on me even though I know he loves me and cares about me. You say you don't understand it and I am in the same situation. I mean if he loves you why would he do it right? But i think it's just self control and your bf probably loves you but he also has urges and goes through with them.